View Full Version : ederley parents

05-21-2014, 09:12 PM
Not necessarily a subject for here but I need some advise . My mom is 83 and still lives on her own. Dad passed on almost 30 years ago and she has literally not done anything physical in 20+ years . Needless to say her body has fallen apart . She has had two spinal fusions and is addicted to pain killers . In the last two years she has fallen and needed to be hospitaiized at least seven times and been in nursing home twice for rehab .I have tried repeatedly to move her in with us but she refuses . I have tried to talk to her about assisted living but she refuses . Today I got the call from life alert that she had been rushed to the hospital , for the second time in a week , and was in bad shape . When I got there they didn't think she was going to make it but has so far pulled through . She has told me she no longer wants to live but keeps hanging on .She is one of my best friends and I love her to death but am at wits end what to do . I know I am not the only one that is dealing with this so how has others in this situation dealt with it ?

05-21-2014, 09:59 PM

05-21-2014, 10:04 PM
Bring her in house :) assisted living just makes them crazy. The family interaction makes the elderly feel comfortable...

05-21-2014, 10:20 PM
Sorry to hear you're going through that. It's tough.

05-21-2014, 10:30 PM
Bring her in house :) assisted living just makes them crazy. The family interaction makes the elderly feel comfortable...

have to agree 100%! I just recently lost my father at age 71 to dementia. we moved him to a assisted living because he and my stepmother were going at it all the time. after we moved in there he went down hill so fast it is so saddening. wish I knew more then that I know now.

what happens in those places is so freaking scary!

ps, my that guy so much!

05-21-2014, 10:58 PM
Sorry to hear about your mom... you should definitely move her in with you

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05-21-2014, 11:16 PM
Dang im so sorry... thank gosh for life alert, im glad to hear that those are actually being used. I would just move all her stuff out while she is in the hospital, and take her home with you when she is released. Im sure with the family around and her not being alone will change her view completely! Hope it all works out for you!

05-22-2014, 02:07 AM

05-22-2014, 02:22 AM
This is a good Subject to discuss for any of us, I feel like I'm just 5-7 years behind with my dad. Tried to get him to move in with us already etc.... Hmmm

05-22-2014, 07:46 AM
Beware of moving her in with you if other siblings are in the family. A friend of mine did that and all was well until Granny passed and people found out she had a sizable estate and she had left it to the favorite son. Things got real ugly real fast and the lawyer fees from fighting family members was staggering. Make sure the rest of the family, including distant relatives, know what your plans are and everyone agrees.

05-22-2014, 07:50 AM
I was just thinking about this with my parents. I was considering building a "granny apartment" in my back garage.

05-22-2014, 08:13 AM
I lost my dad four years ago and mom last month. Mom had dememtia and we had a sitter with her for three years before moving her to assisted living.

I work a lot and have three kids, moving her in with us was just too much to ask of my wife. She would have wound up being the primary care giver and she has enough on her plate already.

There isn't "one answer fits all" in a situation like this. Make your decision based on what is best for your mother and know in your heart that your decision was made in her best interest. Good luck with whatever you choose, you will still probably agonize over it when it is said and done.

05-22-2014, 09:54 AM
This is a hard topic, it's just like taking the car keys away, it's not going to go well with anyone but it must be done.

I have been in retirement planning and selling seniors their medical insurance, life insurance, and long term care insurance for 11 years. I deal with clients kids and spouses on this topic pretty regularly and get to know how a senior thinks.

A) they do not want to go to a nursing home bc they know they will die there. It is the last place people go before they die is how they think.

B) assisted living is a resort if they can not live in kids home. Note it is very important to tour the facility and possibly talk to a few residence and ask their opinion. Not all of the people living there are crazy without memory. There are many different levels of assisted living, someone may live there because she's a widow and wants to be around people her age, some may have a spouse who is sick and wants to be with that person, so not everyone living there has lost it upstairs.

C) no one wants to burden their children so she's going to fight that battle.

D) doesn't want to live anymore is very common as well.

I'm sure more issues are happening at her house that she keeps from you. Now is the time to put your foot down and make a stand. 7 hospital trips in 2 years is basically an every 90 day average. That is extremely frequent. She has the life alert and that goes off when she triggers the call. It is not like a prison house arrest bracelet where you can not take it off, so what happens when she's not wearing it and can't get to it. Bathing or showering could easily be a fall senerio and if she could not get to the button the life alert is pointless.

I say move her in with you is first choice. Assisted living would be second choice.

If she is not social and kind of marches to her own drum, sticking her in an assisted living facility would be overwhelming.

Everyone comes into the world as a child and leaves as a child unless tragedy occurs. You will need to start making more of the responsible and reality choices for her. She's going to buck you but you must stick to your guns and guide her. Do not argue with her. Sometimes you have to tell her to get over it and that your way is the way things are going to be, but arguing with her won't do anything but cause problems. Let her have choices and not control her 100% like a Napoleon, but financial and living choices need to be made by you. Keep in mind her house is her castle. She's not going to want to give it up easily.

05-22-2014, 10:08 AM
My mom lives here... http://www.wcbay.com. I would like to move in with her ;)

Hope you are able to get this worked out.

05-22-2014, 10:32 AM
Kyle has some good insite.
As a physician, I manage over 100 elderly residents in nursing homes and countless others at home. Your mother represents a very challanging case. Here is some advice I would give a family coming to me.
First, you are going to have to accept that you mother needs pain management. The meds needed have serious side effects and if she is not seeing a doctor specifically specializing in pain management, she should be.
Second, if your mother's doctor does not specialize in geriatrics, you should have her seen by one that does. This is not to replace her usual doctor but rather to look for opportunities to improve her care so she can be more independently and be hospitalized less often. The old saying "two heads are better than one" applies here. With her family doctor, pain doctor ("dolorologsit"), and a good geriatrician in place, you should limit other doctors that she sees to avoid confusing care.
Third, you have to develop a plan to find a place for her to live that provides for her needs. It sounds like she is a little unrealisitic about her ability to live independently. This is a common problem and I'm sure I would be just as resistant to change if I were in a similar position as your mother. This is where lawyers come in. You need to have some type of power of attorney to make sure her financial house is in order and to make sure what ever estate she has will be used appropriately to provide fior her care. This could mean using her assests to pay for in home care. If her insistance to stay alone present a real and present danger to her body and she refuses your attempts to help, you can have her declared incompetent and be appointed as her gaurdian. This is a tough step, but some times necessary. If you don't do it, eventually the department of human services will step in and then the state will have guardianship and you won't be able to control what happens.
What you do often is determined by the funds you have at your disposal. If there is no money to pay for care, then a nursing home becomes the only option. If you have enough money, you should be looking for competent in home care. Depending on her needs, this could be a caregiver that dispenses her meds on time, makes sure she is getting nutritious meals, and helps with house work. Or, if her needs are more complicated, it could be a nurse. Because you are talking about care that needs to be provided daily, you may need 2 or 3 people that take shifts.
I have had families that take the step to move in with their mother when the mother refused to move in with them. This allows her to stay in the home where she is familiar and allows you to provide the assistance she needs. It also allows you to start gently pushing her towards moving back to your home when she becomes comfortable with your caregiving.
I wish you the best in this. You will need a supportive family to make these sacrifices and a few guardian angels!.

05-22-2014, 02:33 PM
Good advice here from people. My grandmother went kicking and screaming to a nursing home and 2 days into it she realized it was the best thing she ever did. People that lived 2 blocks away from her when she was in her house that never visited suddenly started to drive all the way across town to visit her in the nursing home. In her house she would go weeks without seeing anyone, yet in the home she had daily visitors. It annoyed me that people did not visit when she was in her house. :mad: She lived almost 20 years in that facility and loved every minute of it.

Another option to relieve the family work is to move her in to your home but also get help during the days. My cousin did that so his wife did not feel like it was being all dumped on her. It was perfect for them because they had professional nurses to check on her progress and monitor her meds and how she was doing. They were able to catch a serious side effect once that the family would have never recognized.

For those that have older relatives, here is something that REALLY cheers them up....write a letter to them. No email, no facebook, a real letter sealed up in an envelope and mailed with a stamp. I did this for 20+ years for my grandmother and she waited at the door weekly for her letter from me. If it was late she would thrash the postman and it gave her something to do. In her later years she was also nearly blind so my dad was forced to stop by and read the letters to her and so he also got to find out what I was doing while I was in college and grad school. I now write to my mother in law every Monday morning and I mail it by noon. I think it brings me good Karma. She gets it on Thursday and the rest of the family says she waits for that letter like her life depends on it. I tell her about nothing in particular (the weather, my garden, the grandkids) and if I have some pictures, real printed out pictures, of our kids doing something, I send those along to. Hands down I have been son-in-law of the year 5+ years running and nobody can touch me. :D

05-22-2014, 03:47 PM
What a timely discussion. My folks are still in there home, but it's getting close to when we'll be forced to make changes.
Thanks to all for the great input!

05-22-2014, 10:07 PM
Sounds like many of us are in the same situation. While I am lucky enough to have parents still healthy and living on their own, my mothers' parents are in their mid 80's and my fathers' mother is 89 and just recently had her car break and dad told her it couldn't be fixed and took her car away from her. After my grandfather passed away, (they had been married 67 years) grandma would come to our house on sunday after church and stay until wednesday or thursday to be with her great grand kids and be around family instead of in her apartment. That went on for a couple years until her sister moved in across the hall from her. Now without wheels she spends her time with her sister arguing like siblings do (she is bossy). My mothers' father suffers from alzheimers and granny takes care of him but it is taking a toll on her. We are trying to steer them towards an assisted living place but she will not have any of it. My wife and I were talking the other night about building a home with a walk out basement so my mother in law (who is handicapped due to an auto accident) could live with us, have an entire living space to herself and come and go as she pleases if it should come down to that. The future holds many challenges for all of us, those of you that have been through it can certainly shed some light on the places to tread lightly and those to make the proper decision.

05-23-2014, 11:05 PM
so I had a long conversation with a Palliantive care physician tonight . never heard of that before . Doesn't sound like this is gonna end well .

05-27-2014, 08:23 PM
just met with the doctors this afternoon . end of life hospice is what is coming next

05-27-2014, 10:20 PM
That time comes for almost everyone. The real deal is that each person is different and needs to be treated differently. I feel your pain as both my parents have reached their reward. Love and proper care are what it's all about.

05-27-2014, 10:29 PM
Im sorry that its coming to that, that's how my grandfather spent his last week or so. Id like to think it made it better as he passed with all of us around him. All of our prayers will be with you and your family!

05-27-2014, 11:25 PM
So sorry to hear your Mom's health has taken such a turn. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

When my grandmother passed we were blessed to have hospice involved. They were a tremendous help for both my grandmother and our family.

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06-17-2014, 02:08 PM
Sitting in hospice with her today . She stopped eating and communicating on Friday and has not been awake since Sunday . The end is near . Thankfully it has gone quickly as she has only been here two weeks . It was her wish to give up the battle and rest so all I can do is be here for her . Hopefully she realizes I am here

06-17-2014, 03:27 PM
Sitting in hospice with her today . She stopped eating and communicating on Friday and has not been awake since Sunday . The end is near . Thankfully it has gone quickly as she has only been here two weeks . It was her wish to give up the battle and rest so all I can do is be here for her . Hopefully she realizes I am here

sorry to read atihanyi.

best wishes.

06-17-2014, 03:46 PM
so sorry for what you have been going thru ...

06-17-2014, 04:52 PM
Tough times, prayers sent up!

06-19-2014, 08:09 PM
at 4:50 this morning she passed away peacefully . hadn't been awake in five days . spent the last two days of her life at her side .
Rest in peace mom

06-19-2014, 08:30 PM
I'm so sorry to read that your Mom passed, I'm sure she went peacefully, I am positive that she knows you were at her bedside. My wife has been a Hospice Nurse for the past 7 years and although she has been at hundreds of bed sides everyone still hits her hard.

06-19-2014, 08:38 PM
Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Mom 6 months ago and have always been glad I was by her side when she passed. Time will help.

06-20-2014, 08:26 AM
So sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents in the last four years. Remember the good times, it will get easier with time.

Prayers sent up for you and the rest of the family.

06-20-2014, 08:44 AM
Sorry for your loss atihanyi :(. Never second guess whether or not your mom knew you were with her. You were, and that's what matters. She knew that, even if she didn't communicate with you. She's in a great place now, and in the coming few days will be remembered by hundreds of people for the impact she made on them throughout her life. You'll hear stories and share stories, laugh and cry, but the important thing is that you loved her enough to care that she passed peacefully. I pass my condolences to you and your family.

06-20-2014, 10:36 AM
It is hard but such a blessing to be with someone at the time of their death. It is one of those rare times where you can really get a sense of God's peace. May she rest in peace.

06-20-2014, 11:32 AM
Atihanyi, sorry for your loss. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Your opening message said "She is one of my best friends and I love her to death" so it sounds like you and her have had a good run - she lives on in you!