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  #521  
Old 04-03-2007, 09:27 AM
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sizzler sizzler is offline
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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  #522  
Old 04-03-2007, 10:56 AM
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puck_11 puck_11 is offline
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Italian mother

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.


During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.


Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:


"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"


Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.


"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
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  #523  
Old 04-06-2007, 06:41 AM
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chudson chudson is offline
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends.

If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
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  #524  
Old 04-07-2007, 04:31 PM
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The Fable of the Woodcutter

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Heather Locklear. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is not your wife!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Heather Locklear, You would have come up with Tara Reid. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' to Heather Locklear!"

The Moral of this story: Anytime a man lies, it is for good and honorable reasons and for the benefit of others.
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  #525  
Old 04-10-2007, 02:45 PM
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trickskier trickskier is offline
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Subject: Catch


A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside
and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that stuff again; you're in my closet now.'
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  #526  
Old 04-10-2007, 03:01 PM
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peason peason is offline
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What's in a name?

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at
Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a
book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir,"how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time
since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back
to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you
like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto
hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate
ride of sex she ever had in her life! As the cloud of sand began to
settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what
I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
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  #527  
Old 04-16-2007, 11:26 AM
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M-Funf M-Funf is offline
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DAMN CHECKING ACCOUNT


A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you.

What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn
checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager
agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul
language. They both return to the window and the
manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my
damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager,
"and is this bit** giving you a hard time?
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  #528  
Old 04-17-2007, 09:53 AM
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trickskier trickskier is offline
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I Miss Bill Clinton:

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
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  #529  
Old 04-17-2007, 10:24 AM
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  #530  
Old 04-17-2007, 11:19 AM
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Democrats and Baseball.

I hope democrats think this is a joke... Republicans know it to be the truth!

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe
this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.

A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional
Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket
refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of
fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person
had paid for the tickets.

Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the
ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This,
according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.

A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less
money to spend on tickets to begin with.

Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having
few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at
entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a
lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a
$50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional
$25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for
the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay
anything for the tickets.
They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

All those that received a refund of any amount will, of course, be taxed
on the amount of money refunded.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John
Kerry, senator Chuck Schumer, Senator John Murtha or Senator Hillary
Clinton for assistance.
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