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  #511  
Old 03-28-2007, 11:08 AM
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Naste Craft Naste Craft is offline
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HA HA HA
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Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
-- Babe Ruth
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  #512  
Old 03-28-2007, 11:14 AM
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Sodar Sodar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sanjuan23
How do you circumcise a redneck??????









Kick his sister in the Jaw.
I don't get it.......

































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  #513  
Old 03-28-2007, 11:16 AM
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sanjuan23 sanjuan23 is offline
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good" said her Mother.
"Is it because I am blonde?"
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
Very Good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because your blonde!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No honey, it's because you're 24."

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  #514  
Old 03-30-2007, 08:47 AM
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Jkelly Jkelly is offline
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Here is your laugh for today.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we
started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with 'hell' and you say something with '***'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until
I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be
Cheerios."
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  #515  
Old 03-30-2007, 10:08 AM
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kjohnson kjohnson is offline
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Men's two piece

A friend of mine said he now has a new two piece bathing suit? Apparently, it consists of a condom and a cork.
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  #516  
Old 03-30-2007, 12:47 PM
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shepherd shepherd is offline
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Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing
seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with
billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can
only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise
for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"


The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and
it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, as the medicine
man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123
for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.
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  #517  
Old 03-30-2007, 01:27 PM
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sanjuan23 sanjuan23 is offline
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your
54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary,is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home before lunchtime tomorrow.
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"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory."
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  #518  
Old 03-30-2007, 01:49 PM
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Monte Monte is offline
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little Jerry Clower http://www.headoftheholler.com/Jerry/
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  #519  
Old 03-30-2007, 04:23 PM
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jbfootin jbfootin is offline
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a Professor of Sports Medicine at Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and bouncing, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
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  #520  
Old 04-03-2007, 08:53 AM
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chudson chudson is offline
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Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.! Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, And breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
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