Morning Joke Thread

[chudson]

A Centipede Story:

A guy was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He went to a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a Centipede, that came with a little white box to use as it's house.

He took the box home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the Tavern for a drink.

So he asked the Centipede, in the box, "Would you like to go down to the Moose Head Tavern with me and have a Beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the Tavern for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation and decided to ask one more time. This time, he put his face up against the Centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Moose Head and have a drink with me?"

Just then a little voice came out of the box and said,

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[Naste Craft]

HaHaHa....

[trickskier]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law were on vacation in Jerusalem when suddenly his mother-in-law became ill and died.

The man goes to the local funeral director to make the burial arrangements. The funeral director asks him if he would like to have her buried in Jerusalem or shipped back to the United States? He asks the funeral director for a price on each option.

The funeral director tells the man that he can bury his mother-in-law in Jerusalem for $5000, to have her shipped back to the United States will cost $20,000.

After thinking about it for a moment, the man tells the funeral director to have her body shipped back to the United States. Puzzled, the funeral director asks why he wants to spend an extra $15,000 dollars to have her buried in the United States?

The man replies, a long time ago a man died over here and arose 3 days after being buried..............
I JUST CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE....

[RexDog1]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah funny

good way to start the week!!!!!!!

[sanjuan23]

Half-A-Head of Lettuce:

A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The
man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some @$$hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Nebraska, sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Nebraska?", the manager asked. The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there.
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Nebraska."
"No $h!t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[trickskier]

An elderly man and his wife were on their way to Florida for vacation. He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio".

The guy at the next pump then says "I used to date a girl from Ohio. That was the worst sex I ever had".

The woman leans out of the window and yells "What'd he say"?

Her husband replies, "He thinks he knows you"!

[sanjuan23]

A young guy from Kentucky moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything
under one roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Kentucky."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing
rod Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive
department and sold him the Ford 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and
I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[trickskier]

LOL...................Good One Sanjuan...........

[RexDog1]

Originally Posted by trickskier

An elderly man and his wife were on their way to Florida for vacation. He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio".

The guy at the next pump then says "I used to date a girl from Ohio. That was the worst sex I ever had".

The woman leans out of the window and yells "What'd he say"?

Her husband replies, "He thinks he knows you"!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOL

[sanjuan23]

How do you circumcise a redneck??????









Kick his sister in the Jaw.