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  #31  
Old 03-15-2005, 08:46 AM
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From My Father in Law (of all people)

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
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  #32  
Old 03-15-2005, 09:07 AM
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Three great jokes to start the morning!
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  #33  
Old 03-15-2005, 09:14 AM
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Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.
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  #34  
Old 03-15-2005, 10:00 AM
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Good one DMAC!
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  #35  
Old 03-15-2005, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmac
Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.
Good one!! I didnt see that commin
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  #36  
Old 04-08-2005, 04:31 AM
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morning guys.....might be old but still relevant

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital were testing an
> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
> mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
> willing to try it out.
>
> Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain
> transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent
> was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
> But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
> doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
> the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband was still
> feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
> was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try
> for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the
> pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
> encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
> delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
> experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got
> home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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  #37  
Old 04-08-2005, 06:50 AM
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Funny!
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  #38  
Old 04-08-2005, 08:35 AM
Ron Grover Ron Grover is offline
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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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  #39  
Old 04-08-2005, 08:36 AM
Ron Grover Ron Grover is offline
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"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
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  #40  
Old 04-08-2005, 08:37 AM
Ron Grover Ron Grover is offline
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It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
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