Morning Joke Thread

[TayMC197]

Originally Posted by bbymgr

Gun buy back program finally explained!!

Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.

Well of you're the one knocking up the neighbors wife, that might be alright. Lol

[TxsRiverRat]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

[shepherd]

A Sequestration/Furlough Tale

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the
bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and
watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other
man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a
new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked
right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container
and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the
men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayer's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I
dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's furlough day is today... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

[thatsmrmastercraft]

Originally Posted by shepherd

A Sequestration/Furlough Tale

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the
bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and
watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other
man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a
new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked
right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container
and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the
men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayer's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I
dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's furlough day is today... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

What is this doing in the joke thread?

[TxsRiverRat]

My GF sent me a text a few minutes ago:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!"

I texted back:

"I'm taking a dump.... What should I do?"

[clrussell]

Originally Posted by TxsRiverRat

My GF sent me a text a few minutes ago:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!"

I texted back:

"I'm taking a dump.... What should I do?"

That's classic!


Tapatalk

[McDye]

now thats funny...

[mikeg205]

Originally Posted by TxsRiverRat

My GF sent me a text a few minutes ago:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!"

I texted back:

"I'm taking a dump.... What should I do?"

Then the fight started... lol...

[2RLAKE]

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...

And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born A Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching
a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[mikeg205]

Originally Posted by 2RLAKE

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...

And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born A Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching
a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."