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  #2021  
Old 04-05-2012, 08:31 AM
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pmkkdx pmkkdx is online now
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amen to those last 2!
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  #2022  
Old 05-15-2012, 10:10 AM
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Ole died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Lena turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Ole would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Marni, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"

"All of it," said Lena. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Marni exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"

Lena answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Marni computed quickly.

"For the love of God, Lena , $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
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  #2023  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:31 AM
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c_craig c_craig is offline
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Old one, but maybe new to you...

A farmer had five female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart.
So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only
vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in
the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in
the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn".
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  #2024  
Old 07-02-2012, 08:13 PM
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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  #2025  
Old 08-22-2012, 10:56 AM
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  #2026  
Old 08-22-2012, 01:22 PM
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An Indian chief decided to plan ahead for the winter, and wanted to start collecting wood to burn and stay warm.

The Chief started collecting some wood for a few weeks, then decided to call the weather service for some advice.

The Chief calls the weather service and inquires about how cold the upcoming winter should be. The weather service responds saying it looks like it will be a cold one.

The chief goes out and collects more wood for fires over the cold season, and calls the weather service again a couple weeks later asking for an update. The weather service tells him that the newest models indicate an even colder winter than thought before.

With that in mind, the chief went out and collected as much wood as he could find. He called the weather service back and inquired once again how cold the winter should be. This time the weather service responded saying this could be the coldest winter ever recorded in history. The chief asks how can this be, to which the weather service resonded...

Well, the indians have been gathering record amounts of wood this year.
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  #2027  
Old 08-22-2012, 03:27 PM
Jason.H. Jason.H. is offline
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skidog wins this page lol
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  #2028  
Old 08-22-2012, 04:13 PM
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Thought this might be the best place to place this photo. Always entertaining to capture a MasterCraft towing in a Malibu. This was on Lake Owasso, St. Paul, MN on Monday. Hard to see the rope but it was there...

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  #2029  
Old 08-26-2012, 08:45 PM
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2RLAKE 2RLAKE is online now
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CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
*
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
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  #2030  
Old 08-26-2012, 08:47 PM
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2RLAKE 2RLAKE is online now
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When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?
*
It's because she smells like a new*truck.
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