Morning Joke Thread

[quincyfirefighter]

Originally Posted by Jeffer

Letter to a men's helpline...


Hi Henry,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

So...is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Too Good

[DemolitionMan]

Originally Posted by Jeffer

Letter to a men's helpline...


Hi Henry,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

So...is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Very Funny!

[DemolitionMan]

Originally Posted by SkiDog

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor .

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility... And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

That is so true!

[DemolitionMan]

Originally Posted by 2RLAKE

Sex On The Beach...



A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought
Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy
batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

...........

[shepherd]

One winter morning a husband and wife in WISCONSIN were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to GOOD WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied,



"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[shepherd]

A very ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, sits down and orders a draft beer.



'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.


'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. It was great!'

'Fantastic, you lucky sucker!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'



'Don't know... Never found the head. '

[BrooksfamX2]

...............

[thatsmrmastercraft]

Originally Posted by shepherd

A very ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, sits down and orders a draft beer.



'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.


'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. It was great!'

'Fantastic, you lucky sucker!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'



'Don't know... Never found the head. '

Never saw that one coming.

[DemolitionMan]

Originally Posted by shepherd

A very ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, sits down and orders a draft beer.



'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.


'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. It was great!'

'Fantastic, you lucky sucker!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'



'Don't know... Never found the head. '

Oh Boy!!!

[scott023]

Oh no.