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  #1981  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:24 PM
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When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
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  #1982  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:30 PM
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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He pulls out a velvet sack and takes a hamster out of the sack, placing it on the bar. The little hamster runs around a bit until the man produces a miniature piano and piano stool from the sack, and puts them on the bar. The hamster runs over, sits down on the stool, and to the absolute wonder of all the people at the bar, begins to play the piano like a master.

The little hamster has done four or five numbers and in launching into "The Entertainer" when the man reaches into the sack again and pulls out a bullfrog. He sits the bullfrog down on the bar next to the piano-playing hamster. Immediately the bullfrog, with the hamster accompanying him, sings a rendition of "Danny Boy" that brings tears to the eyes of all assembled. A hundred people are watching. It's the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen.

As "Danny Boy" ends, through the thunderous applause, a bystander leans over and says, "Excuse me, are these animals for sale?"

"Well," says the guy with the animals, "I'm really attached to the hamster. but I might sell the bullfrog."

"I'll give you five hundred dollars for the frog," says the other man.

"Sold!" says the animal guy, and he hands over the frog and takes his $500. Then he starts to pack up the hamster and the piano in his sack.

The bartender leans over and says, "Look, buddy, it's really none of my business, but just five hundred bucks for a singing frog? It's the most amazing thing in the history of the world and you didn't even get enough for a good suit. Are you crazy? You got totally ripped off!"

The guy says, "No, I didn't. The hamster's a ventriloquist."
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  #1983  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:33 PM
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
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  #1984  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:35 PM
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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  #1985  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:36 PM
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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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  #1986  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:38 PM
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An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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  #1987  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:42 PM
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"...
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  #1988  
Old 12-23-2011, 01:02 PM
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  #1989  
Old 01-24-2012, 12:22 PM
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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..
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  #1990  
Old 01-26-2012, 01:23 AM
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Letter to a men's helpline...


Hi Henry,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

So...is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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"5 out of 4 people have a problem with statistics..."
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