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  #1621  
Old 04-30-2009, 09:48 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Actual call center conversation!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.





Last edited by TMCNo1; 04-30-2009 at 09:57 PM.
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  #1622  
Old 05-02-2009, 09:05 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." Pausing to wipe away a tear, she continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
."
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1623  
Old 05-02-2009, 10:36 PM
Tomsinamerica Tomsinamerica is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by woftam View Post
The season is over for all but the die hards, so here are a couple of old snowboarder jokes.

Q: How does a snowboarder greet a skier?
A: Whoa, sorry dude.

Q: What's the difference between a snowboarder and an upright vacum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag.
Q: What's the difference between a learner snowboarder and his instructor?
A: About 3 weeks...
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  #1624  
Old 05-07-2009, 03:53 PM
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trickskier trickskier is offline
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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a FSU Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
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  #1625  
Old 05-08-2009, 08:54 AM
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jbfootin jbfootin is offline
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A woman took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girlfriends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"

Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
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  #1626  
Old 05-08-2009, 09:03 AM
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Craig Craig is offline
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A Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t.'
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  #1627  
Old 05-11-2009, 03:32 PM
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RexDog1 RexDog1 is offline
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'


'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.'
'You'll really love my place.'
'The grass is almost a foot high'
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  #1628  
Old 05-11-2009, 05:08 PM
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SkiDog SkiDog is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RexDog1 View Post
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'


'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.'
'You'll really love my place.'
'The grass is almost a foot high'
I'll get some good mileage outa this one in the morning at breakfast!
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  #1629  
Old 05-13-2009, 02:11 PM
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Bilge Water Bilge Water is offline
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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.



She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."



"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family
name?"



"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It
represents the things that I enjoy the most--cars and men.. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen.' So, what's your name?"



He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
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  #1630  
Old 05-13-2009, 02:43 PM
woftam woftam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomsinamerica View Post
Q: What's the difference between a learner snowboarder and his instructor?
A: About 3 weeks...
Q: What do you call a snowboarder who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Give a man a snowboard and keep him distracted for a day.
Teach a man to snowboard and you can't get him to work....
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