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  #1591  
Old 04-07-2009, 02:51 PM
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trickskier trickskier is offline
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Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




Men's Love Poem


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesnít rhyme and I don't care.
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  #1592  
Old 04-07-2009, 03:06 PM
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trickskier trickskier is offline
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When to Start Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'
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Last edited by trickskier; 04-08-2009 at 06:42 AM.
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  #1593  
Old 04-07-2009, 09:59 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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"The Old Golfer"


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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  #1594  
Old 04-08-2009, 01:05 AM
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bbymgr bbymgr is offline
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Gun Control


Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!"
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  #1595  
Old 04-09-2009, 12:23 PM
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rholmes rholmes is offline
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Where do baby planes come from???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to

Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) Turned to

his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats Have

baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who Couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big

dogs Have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes

have baby Planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell You to ask me?' The boy

said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell Your mother that there are no baby planes

because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother explain that to you.
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  #1596  
Old 04-10-2009, 02:19 PM
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chudson chudson is offline
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A date to reflect

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
It is worth reflecting on the anniversary of the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully on April 11, 1996 at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And thatís was when the trouble
started.
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  #1597  
Old 04-11-2009, 01:48 PM
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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  #1598  
Old 04-13-2009, 09:01 AM
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shepherd shepherd is offline
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The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone. The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME...

I SAID .....

"BRING POSSE"
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  #1599  
Old 04-13-2009, 04:10 PM
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SkiDog SkiDog is offline
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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed the telephone pole & hooked up his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

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  #1600  
Old 04-13-2009, 06:32 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to
see what's up.
The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand
and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you alright? You've been in here for a
while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone "doody" yet."
His mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But,
Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "Works for Ketchup!"
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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