Morning Joke Thread

[RickDV]

A fellow was walking down a country road and noticed as he passed one farm that the largest pig had a wooden leg. Finding this rather unusual he stopped to ask the farmer about it.

"Well that is a special pig" says the farmer. "He saved my family's life."

Curious, the fellow asked how a pig could save the family.

"A couple of months ago the house caught fire in the middle of the night. Our pig broke out of his pen and busted into the house and made so much noise we woke up and were able to escape the fire" the farmer explained.

"So did the pig lose a leg in the fire?" the man asked.

"No, nothing like that" says the farmer. "You see, when you have a pig that special, it's just not right to eat it all at once!"

[Ron Grover]

Heart trouble Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent passing of her husband. She decided to join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol. She decided to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, become a vegetable, and become a burden to someone else, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Granite_33]

Originally Posted by sizzler

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
> >of goat's milk.
> >
> >The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
> >through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
> >
> >"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
> >
> >"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
> >
> >"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
> >
> >"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
> >
> >"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
> >when he was born".
> >
> >"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
> >
> >"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ",
> >she whispers.
> >
> >"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> >started school".
> >
> >"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
> >
> >After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> >wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't
> >they?"
>
>

A guy went in to buy an inflatable sex doll for his buddys upcoming bachelor party. The owner of the Adult toy store showed him 3 models.

The first inflatable model was a white woman. Realistic blond hair, supple breasts, very nice looking. It was $40.
The next inflatable model was a black woman. Big a$$, trim waist, light skinned. More attractive than the blond. Though it was a bit larger, still $40.
The last model was an inflatable muslim woman. It was short, and wore a burka, not attractive at all. It was $70.

The guy looks at the Muslim doll and says to the owner....that is one ugly doll.......No man in his right mind would buy that thing!!
Why is it more expensive that the other, more attractive dolls????

The owner replied........the first two dolls take a long time to inflate, and are difficult to fill. Just regular dolls.
The muslim dolls? They have a special feature.......they blow themselves up.

[SDmc205]

Two men are sitting in a bar on the top of the Empire State building.

the first one says to the second "there is something really wild about this building. If you fall out the window you will fall two floors and be blown right back in."

The second says "no way, show me."

the first guy jumps out the window, falls about 40 feet and is blown right back in.

the second guy says, "do it again."

the first guy jumps out the window and is blown right back in.

The second guy says "I'm doing it", jumps out the window and falls 120 floors to his death.

The first guy sits down and the bartender says "Superman you're a real pr*ck when you're drunk."

[SDmc205]

Two men are sitting in a bar.

The first says "I've been sitting here for the last hour and I can't help but think you're from Ireland."

The second says "I am from Ireland."

The first says "So am I, what a small effin world we live in."

The First says, "what part of Ireland are you from?"

The Second says, "I'm from Dublin."

"So am I, what a small effin world. What part of Dublin are you from?"

the second says, "I was raised on St. Francis street."

"I can't effin believe it, so was I," says the first, "where did you go to school?"

"St. Mary's class of '63."

No effin way, St. Mary's class of '63 meself, what a small effin world."

A third guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender how its going. The bartender replies, "It's going to be a long night............. the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[SDmc205]

Paddy comes to New York from Ireland and his cousin talks him into going to a baseball game.

Paddy doesn't know what is going on but he watches the game for a bit to see if he can figure it out.

First he sees a guy in the middle of a field throw a ball at another guy who hits it with a stick and runs down a white line. Everyone in the stands yells "RUn, Run!"

A second guys swings his stick and hits the ball and he runs down the white line. Everyone yells "Run, run!" Paddy thinks this game is easy, I've got it down.

A third guy gets up with a stick in his hand. The guy in the middle throws the ball at him four times and the guy with the stick walks down the white line. Padddy jumps up and yells, "Run, run!"

his cousin says, "Ah, no Paddy the man doesn't have to run, he got four balls."


Paddy yells, "Walk with pride man, walk with pride!"

[bradamerry]

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

[bradamerry]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

[bradamerry]

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[bradamerry]

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."