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  #1121  
Old 05-27-2008, 01:37 PM
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Good Morning,

The Dead Cow and Vet School . . .

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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  #1122  
Old 05-28-2008, 03:31 PM
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Upon reaching age 70, old Koot decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, Mrs. Koot became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Koot obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he returned, Mrs. Koot asked about his day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts? You're 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'

Mrs. Koot took the card and read it. 'Old Koot, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week'.
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  #1123  
Old 05-28-2008, 03:47 PM
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I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'



I say, 'Well, I don't have much of a chemical background

but one of the things I enjoy the most is

turning wine and cold beer into urine!'
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  #1124  
Old 05-28-2008, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbfootin View Post
I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'



I say, 'Well, I don't have much of a chemical background

but one of the things I enjoy the most is

turning wine and cold beer into urine!'
that's great... i'm only 25 and i can't wait
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MY LED INSTALL... CHECK IT OUT

MY WAKESIDE RIDE

"It's just water... not concrete or dirt... so just throw it"
-Parks Bonifay

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink... when they wake up that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
-Frank Sinatra

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
-Jimmy Buffett
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  #1125  
Old 05-29-2008, 09:51 AM
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RexDog1 RexDog1 is offline
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Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I WILL WIN.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communication.

Because I'm a man, when I catch cold, I NEED someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. Your a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back togeather.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a caculator instead (applies to engineers only).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The TRUE answer is aways sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't........ and if you are feeling amorous afterwards......... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine........ It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is after all the year 2008, I will share equally in the house work. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the grden with a beer, wondering what I should do.

This has been a public service message to help women to better understand men.
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  #1126  
Old 05-30-2008, 08:32 AM
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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  #1127  
Old 06-02-2008, 11:03 AM
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jbfootin jbfootin is offline
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Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the con-
versation got around to their line of work and what kind of
cars they drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally,
I drive a white Vette."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a
sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on
by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctolo-
gist...and I have a brown Probe."
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  #1128  
Old 06-02-2008, 12:44 PM
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A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
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Current - '07 X2 blue on silver metal flake w/ switch graphics

MY LED INSTALL... CHECK IT OUT

MY WAKESIDE RIDE

"It's just water... not concrete or dirt... so just throw it"
-Parks Bonifay

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink... when they wake up that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
-Frank Sinatra

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
-Jimmy Buffett
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  #1129  
Old 06-03-2008, 09:54 AM
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Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
__________________
Current - '07 X2 blue on silver metal flake w/ switch graphics

MY LED INSTALL... CHECK IT OUT

MY WAKESIDE RIDE

"It's just water... not concrete or dirt... so just throw it"
-Parks Bonifay

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink... when they wake up that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
-Frank Sinatra

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
-Jimmy Buffett
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  #1130  
Old 06-05-2008, 01:36 PM
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RexDog1 RexDog1 is offline
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Two ladies talking in heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...
we'd both still be alive.
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