Morning Joke Thread

[RexDog1]

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[chudson]

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, Botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY


Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

[kjohnson]

Why don't lawyers date sharks?

Professional courtesy!

[kjohnson]

Why don't lawyers date sharks?

Professional courtesy!

[jbfootin]

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box
of crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put
it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her
the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would
the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise
your hand?"

Not one hand went up.

So she took them home and ate them herself.

[jbfootin]

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the
groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the
wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a
healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride
come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and pain-
fully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front
desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What
happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an
alligator."

"My God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving
up for 75 years.... I thought he meant his money!"

[chudson]

BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding
pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns
to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's
make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's
baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[flipper]

Sorry if it's a repeat.....

An Irish guy moved to town, and started going to the
corner bar every night, and would order three beers. Drink
them, and order three more. So one night, the bar was
quiet and the bar tender went to the Irish man and asked

"Why do you order three beers at a time, instead of just one
like everybody else here?

"Well sir, back home, my two brothers and I would go to
the pub every night after work, and have a beer. So,
since they are not here in the states with me, I order
for them as if they were here"

So this went on for a few more months, when one night the
Irish man came in and only ordered two. Worried the bar tender
went to the man again and asked

"Is everything okay with your brothers....I noticed you only
have two beers tonight. Did something happen to one of them?"

The Irish man replied

"Oh no, they are just fine....I just decided to quit drinkin', but I
can't stop them"

[chudson]

Amazing story of Mother Nature...


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the event s of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant, who stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs, and slammed his stupid *** against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Evan Jones]

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Condaleeza Rice was briefing President Bush this morning. She told him that yesterday 3 Brazilians got killed in Iraq. Bush imediately broke down and started sobbing. Condaleeza asked the President why all of a sudden this affected him more than other days.

Bush replied.. "But Condi...... isn't 3 Brazilian a huge number ?"
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