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  #1011  
Old 03-19-2008, 05:19 PM
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SkiDog SkiDog is offline
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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid !...Sh e bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

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  #1012  
Old 03-20-2008, 05:05 PM
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I'm writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your letter I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down; this explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I started a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up; this accounts for my two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind....I let go of the rope.
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  #1013  
Old 03-20-2008, 05:17 PM
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RexDog1 RexDog1 is offline
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wow that is a bad day .............
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  #1014  
Old 03-24-2008, 02:03 PM
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chudson chudson is offline
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Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a SMCF/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
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  #1015  
Old 03-27-2008, 11:09 AM
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A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying: - Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up. After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: - Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? - No, ma'am, he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.
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MY LED INSTALL... CHECK IT OUT

MY WAKESIDE RIDE

"It's just water... not concrete or dirt... so just throw it"
-Parks Bonifay

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink... when they wake up that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
-Frank Sinatra

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
-Jimmy Buffett
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  #1016  
Old 03-27-2008, 11:15 AM
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Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked :
- What are you up to there, Little Johnny ?
- My goldfish died, replied Little Johnny tearfully, and I've just buried him.
The neighbor was concerned :
- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it ?
Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied :
- That's because he's inside your cat.
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Current - '07 X2 blue on silver metal flake w/ switch graphics

MY LED INSTALL... CHECK IT OUT

MY WAKESIDE RIDE

"It's just water... not concrete or dirt... so just throw it"
-Parks Bonifay

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink... when they wake up that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
-Frank Sinatra

"Indecision may, or may not, be my problem"
-Jimmy Buffett
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  #1017  
Old 03-27-2008, 05:19 PM
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chudson chudson is offline
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............
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  #1018  
Old 03-27-2008, 06:14 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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THE 6 BEST SMART ANSWERS ..........


SMART ANSWER
#6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked..
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ANSWER
#5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."




SMART ANSWER
#4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




SMART ANSWER
#3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid re plied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ANSWER
#2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."






SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-azz guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1019  
Old 03-30-2008, 11:53 AM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Rednecks!

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim
'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these
here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth
Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1020  
Old 03-30-2008, 01:20 PM
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Gerd Gerd is offline
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funny stuff

I didn't read every joke so hope this is not a repeat.

Fella walks into a bar and sees this gorgeous blonde, after a while he decides to approach her and asks "hi ther what's your name"
The blond answers "Carmen"
The guy says, thats a nice name does it mean anything
she lets out a little giggle and answers "I like cars and I like men" that's why I'm named Carmen, she then asks the guy "so whats your name"
The guy answers "B.J Titsenass"
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