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  #1001  
Old 03-14-2008, 02:09 PM
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wakeX2wake wakeX2wake is offline
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i was walking down the street one day and ran into Ben... a guy that i hadn't seen in quite some time...
I said "hey Ben how's it been going?"
he responded "well my name is 'Lucky' now"
I had to have an explanation so i asked him "why is your name Lucky?
He then told me how he had won $200,000 in a poker game a week earlier
I congratulated him and told that was goo and I would call him Lucky from now on...
So we finished our chat and went on our ways...
Some time later I ran into 'Lucky" again...
I greeted him (remembering his story) by saying "hey Lucky"
He laughed and said "well my name is 'Lucky Lucky' now"...
This guy had hit the lottery for $2million the week before!
So I laughed and told him I'd call him 'Lucky Lucky' from then on...
Well more time passed and I ran into him again only this time he was walking in what appeared to be considerable pain...
Never-the-less, I greeted him by saying "well hey Lucky Lucky"
He said "well hey man..."
I looked at him and I asked "has your luck finally ran out?"
He laughed and said "no way man you're going to have to call me 'Lucky Lucky Lucky' from now on"
Being confused I HAD to know the story...
He said "I was hooking up with this married woman the other day and her husband came home and shot me in the boys while I was on top..."
I looked at him and said "that doesn't sound too lucky to me!"
He laughed and said "well if he'd got there 15 mins earlier he'd have shot me in the back of the head"
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  #1002  
Old 03-15-2008, 11:31 AM
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One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Satan asked, 'Aren't you afraid of me?'

'Nope, sure ain't,' said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 48 years.'
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  #1003  
Old 03-15-2008, 06:39 PM
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied:

It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
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  #1004  
Old 03-15-2008, 06:42 PM
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Little Johnny

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playgrou nd and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!
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  #1005  
Old 03-17-2008, 11:10 AM
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"A new study claims that New York State drinking water con-
tains dozens of pharmaceutical drugs. A spokesperson for
New York state said that pharmaceutical drugs in the drinking
water are not dangerous unless your erection lasts for more
than four hours." -Conan O'Brien
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  #1006  
Old 03-17-2008, 11:12 AM
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"As you know Prince Charles is also known as the Prince of
Whales. Wasn't that also Clinton's nickname?" --Jay Leno
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  #1007  
Old 03-17-2008, 11:18 AM
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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  #1008  
Old 03-17-2008, 11:18 AM
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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  #1009  
Old 03-17-2008, 11:19 AM
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his ! way to bed, In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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  #1010  
Old 03-18-2008, 09:03 AM
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A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
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