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  #2871  
Old 01-02-2018, 12:25 PM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,

"Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

Last edited by slalomjunkie; 01-03-2018 at 08:39 AM.
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  #2872  
Old 01-02-2018, 09:05 PM
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1redTA 1redTA is offline
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An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
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  #2873  
Old 01-08-2018, 10:00 AM
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1redTA 1redTA is offline
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There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends.
Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”
The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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  #2874  
Old 01-12-2018, 11:27 AM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau
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  #2875  
Old 01-12-2018, 06:50 PM
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moosehead moosehead is online now
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  #2876  
Old 01-16-2018, 04:04 PM
toddvdh toddvdh is offline
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy ask s. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's a bout your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
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  #2877  
Old 01-16-2018, 04:58 PM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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Hillary Clinton was addressing a group of American Indians in New York telling them all she did as senator and all she plans to do for them as President. At the end of the meeting the chief gave her a plaque with her honorary indian name, Walking Eagle. After she left someone asked the chief if there is any meaning to that name. He said "A walking Eagle is a bird that is so full of crap, it can not fly"
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  #2878  
Old 01-23-2018, 10:24 AM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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English Lesson for Latinos

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau
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  #2879  
Old 01-23-2018, 10:46 AM
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paintpollz paintpollz is offline
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HAHAHAH those are great!
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  #2880  
Old 01-23-2018, 11:32 AM
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gt23 gt23 is offline
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a little off color, but it will make you laugh, cringe, and laugh again.

What do a pedophile and a tortoise have in common?







they both like to get there before the hair/hare
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