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  #1611  
Old 04-24-2009, 09:45 AM
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RexDog1 RexDog1 is offline
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A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks:
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old."

The husband replies:

"What did he say about your 55-year old a$$?"

"Your name never came up," she replied
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  #1612  
Old 04-25-2009, 08:43 AM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Audio only, nevermind, can't load.
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.





Last edited by TMCNo1; 04-25-2009 at 08:50 AM.
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  #1613  
Old 04-26-2009, 02:21 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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PRICELESS!
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love This!



Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a
Shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
Replied, 'I make $400 a week.. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and
Screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT
And don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
Around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me
What did that goof-ball do here anyway? '


From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery

Guy from Domino's.'


The CEO hasn't asked for another plant tour since!

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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.





Last edited by TMCNo1; 04-26-2009 at 02:24 PM.
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  #1614  
Old 04-27-2009, 12:15 PM
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jbfootin jbfootin is offline
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Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home
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  #1615  
Old 04-28-2009, 02:06 PM
kdr kdr is offline
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Obama and his Teleprompter
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1994 Prostar 205
1999 Prostar 205V
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  #1616  
Old 04-28-2009, 04:27 PM
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C'mon now, don't you know this teleprompter stuff is serious???

The Teleprompter of the United States (TOTUS) has its own blog:

http://baracksteleprompter.blogspot.com/
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  #1617  
Old 04-29-2009, 05:38 PM
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An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter
for the local paper. During the interview the reporter
noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages
playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 20 served
the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied
with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful
young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be
more than 20 or 21 years old!"

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105
and she being only 20," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night.
Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning
six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it
only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six
of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em!"
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  #1618  
Old 04-29-2009, 05:38 PM
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stuie stuie is offline
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An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

Last edited by stuie; 04-29-2009 at 05:40 PM.
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  #1619  
Old 04-30-2009, 05:25 PM
woftam woftam is offline
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The season is over for all but the die hards, so here are a couple of old snowboarder jokes.

Q: How does a snowboarder greet a skier?
A: Whoa, sorry dude.

Q: What's the difference between a snowboarder and an upright vacum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag.
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  #1620  
Old 04-30-2009, 06:28 PM
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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