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  #2941  
Old 08-29-2018, 11:22 AM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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Mornin gang,

The other day the grandkids were over and the 7 yr old asks me “Is it true that in some countries a husband doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

I said, “Sweetie, that’s true in every country…”

Mrs. SlalomJunkie overheard it and said to her: “Do you know what God said after he created Adam? ‘I can do so much better’…”

I couldn’t let her get the best of me, so I said “Sweetie, do you know when it’s time to get a new dishwasher?”

She said “no, when?”

“When the old one expects you to do your share…”

Victoriousforoncely,

SJ

==============

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bìtches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bìtches?"

And his dad replies, "bìtches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen."

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shìt!"

"Mom, what is shìt?" and she says, "Perfume."

So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fûck!"

The boy asks, "Dad, what does fùck mean?" and dad says "preparing."

Then he follows his dad upstairs.

A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?"

The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."

The following night his father invites over some important business clients.

The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bìtches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shìt on her face and my dad is downstairs fûcking the chicken.”
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  #2942  
Old 08-29-2018, 04:28 PM
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moosehead moosehead is offline
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As seen in Denver this AM




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  #2943  
Old 08-31-2018, 10:21 AM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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So the other night I manscaped down south, and it was feeling a little irritated. So I put on a little talcum powder on the affected area…

Mrs Slalomjunkie walked in and saw it and said “What is that white powder on your pecker for?”

Without skipping a beat I said “It’s crushed up aspirin for your headache… Do you want it orally or as a suppository…?”

Diagnosingly,

Dr. SlalomJunkie

============

Happy memorial day!

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull. One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her with the shìt oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had. The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible romp.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is. One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau
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  #2944  
Old 09-05-2018, 02:24 PM
curver900 curver900 is offline
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this one is a bit well....
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  #2945  
Old 09-10-2018, 03:25 PM
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pmkkdx pmkkdx is offline
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True Golf Buddy

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas?
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know
ahead of time, you stupid [censored]???"

"Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."
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  #2946  
Old 09-10-2018, 04:34 PM
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Bwag1961 Bwag1961 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pmkkdx View Post
True Golf Buddy

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas?
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know
ahead of time, you stupid [censored]???"

"Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."
PG

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“A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money.”.....but it's a lot of fun!!
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  #2947  
Old 09-12-2018, 01:34 PM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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So this morning I was texting with Mrs SlalomJunkie about how great our yard is looking this season. She actually agreed it was looking great…

Then she says “I woke up with eye swollen shut…”

I replied “If you don’t put out soon, you’ll wake up with both of them swollen shut!”

Predictively,

SJ

=======================


A white guy and a black guy were arguing about God’s race… He’s white… No, he’s black…

The debate continued until they agreed they should just ask God directly… They bet $100 on the answer.

So they called on God until he answered to them, “Yes, what may I assist you with today, gentlemen…?”

The white guy says “God, we’re having a debate and bet that only you can settle…”

God says “Anything, you want, just ask…”

God, we want to know, are you black? Or are you white?

God replied “I am what I am…”

The white guy says “You head him, now pay up…”

The black guy says “Wait a second, he did not specify what color he was…”

The white guy says “No he didn’t, but if he was black, he would have said “I is what I is!”
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  #2948  
Old 09-21-2018, 05:01 PM
toddvdh toddvdh is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . .














"You just happened to catch my eye."
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  #2949  
Old 09-21-2018, 06:02 PM
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bturner2 bturner2 is offline
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Did you see the most recent reporting on CNN? Don Lemon has just broke the story that Katelyn Jenner has filed a sexual assault complaint against Bruce Jenner for touching her inappropriately 30 years ago.
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  #2950  
Old 09-24-2018, 12:24 AM
toddvdh toddvdh is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Boat: 2004 maristar 210
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo, and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the Family.'


And the moral of this story is...
Always keep your condoms in your car!
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