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  #1701  
Old 08-15-2009, 01:56 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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LOOKING FOR WORK

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it
in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of
ILLINOIS , put him in the White House for THREE MONTHS, and now half
the WORLD is looking for work.
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1702  
Old 08-15-2009, 01:58 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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WHY!!



WHY IS IT......IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......BUT IF YOU CROSS THE US BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?
WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS??????
(Americans must be stupid)
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1703  
Old 08-20-2009, 09:18 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink enve lope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.


"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"


The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."


The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"


"He is a veterinarian," she answered.


"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"


The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '!
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1704  
Old 08-24-2009, 12:17 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Subject: Gynecologist assistant

A man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more;

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Billings , MT. That's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line for the applicants is right now.
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1705  
Old 08-25-2009, 06:29 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Yesterday, I needed to go to the emergency room.Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service..

Attachment 50934.
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat - but don't try it at Taco Bell ; the whole crew will exit and you'll neve r get your order!
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.





Last edited by TMCNo1; 11-17-2009 at 11:01 AM.
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  #1706  
Old 08-25-2009, 07:34 PM
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mlay mlay is offline
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Funny. My Dad has a Department of Homeland Security shirt and to see some of the looks he gets in some of the places he goes. Funny thing is its netted him quite a few free beers also
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  #1707  
Old 08-25-2009, 10:05 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Home improvement projects,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mnPinUvBuM
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.





Last edited by TMCNo1; 08-25-2009 at 10:08 PM.
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  #1708  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:36 AM
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SkiDog SkiDog is offline
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, drive a Yugo, and I voted for Obama."
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  #1709  
Old 08-26-2009, 04:11 PM
TMCNo1 TMCNo1 is offline
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Cocktail Conversation

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an
attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.

Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?"

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
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Quote: 2RLAKE,
At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




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  #1710  
Old 08-26-2009, 05:04 PM
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Jimmauburn Jimmauburn is offline
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One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: "Gimme a beer."


The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: "Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?"


The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer."
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