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  #2911  
Old 06-29-2018, 12:35 PM
CrashCourse316 CrashCourse316 is offline
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Women's Sports
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  #2912  
Old 07-12-2018, 07:01 PM
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shepherd shepherd is offline
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Disney Jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. " Cinderella agrees to be home by 2a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."

MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f-cking Goofy."

RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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  #2913  
Old 07-13-2018, 08:39 AM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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Mornin gang,

Wednesday Mrs SlalomJunkie and I drove into town to the Home Depot... Our washer is on its way out… Vibrates so bad it’s surprising it hasn’t bounced out of the utility room… Anyways, as we drove down the road, there’s a billboard with a hot chick with a 6 pack of Bud Light…

She said “Oh, I guess if I drank 6 of those, I would look like her!”

I said “No honey, if I drank 6 of those you would…”

Beer Gogglesingly,

SJ



It’s Friday, why not be a little crude.




One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?"

His grandpa replied, "Can your p-nis reach you’re a--hole?"

"No", said Little Johnny.

His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer.

He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"

His grandpa replied, "Can your p-nis reach you’re a--hole?"

"No" said Little Johhny.

"Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies.

His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?"

Little Johnny replied, "Can your p-nis reach you’re a--hole?"

His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"

Little Johnny replied, "Then go f--k yourself.
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau
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  #2914  
Old 07-13-2018, 10:38 AM
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Maristar210 Maristar210 is offline
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haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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  #2915  
Old 07-16-2018, 10:03 AM
toddvdh toddvdh is offline
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
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  #2916  
Old 07-24-2018, 12:22 PM
slalomjunkie slalomjunkie is offline
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A woman walks into a freight company wanting a job as a truck driver. The manager said they had strict toughness tests to pass before being hired as a driver... She said she understood and was sure she could pass.

“OK, so so you curse?” asked the manager

“Hell yeah motherf***er, I can outcuss any son of a b*** here...” she said

“Very nice! OK, so do you chew tobacco?”

“SPITTTTT!! Yup, I sure do!”

“Wow, I’m impressed! OK, final question... Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“Well, no, I haven’t... But I been swung around by the tits a few times...”
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The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau
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  #2917  
Old 07-24-2018, 02:37 PM
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pmkkdx pmkkdx is offline
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A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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  #2918  
Old 07-24-2018, 05:08 PM
toddvdh toddvdh is offline
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Not sure if this one has been posted, but here you go.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
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  #2919  
Old 07-25-2018, 09:48 AM
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1redTA 1redTA is offline
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“ Whenever you feel bad about your job....




Remember Hillary Clinton has a gynecologist “
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  #2920  
Old 07-25-2018, 10:05 AM
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stuartmcnair stuartmcnair is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1redTA View Post
“ Whenever you feel bad about your job....




Remember Hillary Clinton has a gynecologist “
Jesus Christ now that is in my head.....
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