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  #2121  
Old 06-28-2013, 07:02 AM
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Traxx822 Traxx822 is offline
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Ok, You want to hear a real joke now?





Woman's Rights
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When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
1 Corinthians Chapter 13 - 11
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  #2122  
Old 06-28-2013, 09:15 AM
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shepherd shepherd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tmacx2 View Post
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because
she would have said 'about what'.
Peg Bundy: "What are you thinking?"
Al Bundy: "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
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  #2123  
Old 06-28-2013, 10:07 AM
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One day (back when I was married) I walked into the house with a sheep under my arm....

The wife looked at me and I said "this is the pig I sleep with when you're not around..."

She said "That's not a pig, you moron..."

"Um, I was talking to the sheep honey..."
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What does the fox say?

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding...

You know they all have a little string hanging out, but it's not a tampon, it's a price tag...
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  #2124  
Old 07-18-2013, 12:14 PM
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A Mexican, a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared."I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa .."

Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he- co!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck , the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"
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What does the fox say?

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding...

You know they all have a little string hanging out, but it's not a tampon, it's a price tag...
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  #2125  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:57 PM
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SkiDog SkiDog is offline
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent". They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says "Well, I'm from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
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  #2126  
Old 08-20-2013, 02:49 PM
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A Russian, a Mexican, and Texan are out riding horses.

The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of Vodka, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Mexican looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!"

The Russian says, "In Russia, there is plenty of Vodka and the bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Mexican pulls out a bottle of Tequila, takes a few sips, throws the Tequila into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Texan can't believe his eyes, "What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Tequila!"

The Mexican says, "In Mexico, we have plenty of Tequila and bottles are cheap."

So, awhile later, the Texan pulls out a bottle of Beer. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Mexican.

The Russian, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The Texan replies, "In Texas, we have plenty of Mexicans and the bottles are worth a nickel."
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What does the fox say?

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding...

You know they all have a little string hanging out, but it's not a tampon, it's a price tag...
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  #2127  
Old 08-21-2013, 08:45 AM
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2RLAKE 2RLAKE is offline
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COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely!

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress
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  #2128  
Old 08-21-2013, 08:46 AM
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2RLAKE 2RLAKE is offline
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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Georgia when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of
her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents,
who thank him endlessly.

A reporter, a liberal, has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing,
really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you
have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


This pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!!
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  #2129  
Old 08-21-2013, 08:55 AM
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mikeg205 mikeg205 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2RLAKE View Post
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely!

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress
Would be funny if not true...
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  #2130  
Old 10-31-2013, 01:30 PM
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2RLAKE 2RLAKE is offline
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Here are a couple good ones
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