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  #2111  
Old 03-26-2013, 11:48 AM
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George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
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  #2112  
Old 03-29-2013, 05:59 PM
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Last night I was having a drink at a bar when a fat ugly woman came up to me and said, "You're cute, can I have your number?"

I replied, "Got a pen?" She said, "Of course I do."

I told her, "You'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone."
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  #2113  
Old 05-01-2013, 07:21 AM
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BASS PRO SHOP'S BLIND CASHIER...........



A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop in Calgary to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to choose so she takes one over to the counter.


A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir, Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
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  #2114  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:35 PM
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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:


"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
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  #2115  
Old 06-13-2013, 03:01 PM
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An atheist was hiking and got charged by a huge grizzly. Just before he was about to be mauled to death he screamed "God save me!"



Suddenly time froze and a light shined down from heaven. God said,"Now when you are about to die you call to me? You have mocked those who believe in me and have spent your life turning people away from me."



The atheist said, "You are right. I don't deserve to be called a Christian at the end of life. Do me one favor, could you make the grizzly a Christian?"



Suddenly, time started back up and the bear dropped his paw that was about to strike, sat down next to the atheist, bowed his head and prayed..."Lord,for this meal I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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  #2116  
Old 06-20-2013, 11:42 PM
LittleFuss LittleFuss is offline
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Nicki Manaj and Lil Wayne fall off a nearby boat and are clearly drowning.

What beverage do you reach for in the cooler?
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  #2117  
Old 06-21-2013, 10:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleFuss View Post
Nicki Manaj and Lil Wayne fall off a nearby boat and are clearly drowning.

What beverage do you reach for in the cooler?
I'd probably try to save them because I wouldn't know who they are.
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  #2118  
Old 06-27-2013, 06:04 PM
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Men are just smarter
An observation on an age old question...



What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some
deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because
she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about
various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
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  #2119  
Old 06-28-2013, 06:56 AM
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Traxx822 Traxx822 is offline
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what's a post turtle?
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb *** put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet
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  #2120  
Old 06-28-2013, 07:00 AM
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Traxx822 Traxx822 is offline
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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind.
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When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
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