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  #2091  
Old 02-06-2013, 02:03 PM
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I saw a heavyset woman up on a table dancing at a wedding. I said to her, "Nice legs",

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"...
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  #2092  
Old 02-06-2013, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pmkkdx View Post
I saw a heavyset woman up on a table dancing at a wedding. I said to her, "Nice legs",

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"...
Hilarious... reminds me of when I was at McDonalds being assisted by a big ol girl... It was taking forever...

She said “Sorry about the wait...”

I said, “Hey no problem tubby, lose another 20# and you’d look great...”
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  #2093  
Old 02-06-2013, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by TxsRiverRat View Post
Hilarious... reminds me of when I was at McDonalds being assisted by a big ol girl... It was taking forever...

She said “Sorry about the wait...”

I said, “Hey no problem tubby, lose another 20# and you’d look great...”
did she have a lisp
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  #2094  
Old 02-07-2013, 04:50 PM
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100 MPH GOAT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure
out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago
and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"





The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
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  #2095  
Old 02-07-2013, 05:32 PM
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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?

Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothing!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I am really sure. When Obama was re-elected,
I remember my dad saying, that's the last ******' thing we needed."

Last edited by pram; 02-07-2013 at 05:52 PM.
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  #2096  
Old 02-07-2013, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffbare View Post
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?

Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothing!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I am really sure. When Obama was re-elected,
I remember my dad saying, that's the last ******' thing we needed."
amen brother
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  #2097  
Old 02-09-2013, 03:28 PM
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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
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  #2098  
Old 02-13-2013, 02:08 PM
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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?”
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  #2099  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:31 PM
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Ammo situation is getting desperate

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead
gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy
voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a
trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just
what kind of ammo have you got to trade?"
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  #2100  
Old 02-24-2013, 11:45 AM
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Gun buy back program finally explained!!

Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.
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