Morning Joke Thread

[TxsRiverRat]

Why I’m divorced...

One Saturday afternoon in August, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my pregnant wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my ice cold Corona, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened cheap sunglasses and stared
directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

[mikeg205]

Originally Posted by TxsRiverRat

Why I’m divorced...

One Saturday afternoon in August, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my pregnant wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my ice cold Corona, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened cheap sunglasses and stared
directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

That would do it...

[Fast50dad]

Ten character

[milkmania]

Last edited by Fast50dad; Today at 08:27 AM. Reason: Too political after re-reading

now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

[Fast50dad]

To make up for the one I removed:

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked


For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.



It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.

[mikeg205]

Originally Posted by Fast50dad

Ten character

Too political is ok...it's sexual we frown at... GDP downturn last quarter, less in our checks, no decrease in D.C. spending, no senate budget, executive orders abound to crap on Constitution, debt limit ceiling no an issue...the sky is the limit - how can a joke be too political.

[mikeg205]

Originally Posted by Fast50dad

To make up for the one I removed:

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked


For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.



It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.

okay that's funny...

[j.mccreight@hotmail.com]

Ah Mis’sippi Highway Patrol trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 82 about 2 miles east of tha’ River Bridge at Greenville ‘bout 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was ah Magician and ah Juggler and he was on his way to Columbus, Mis’sipp...i to do a show at the Shrine Circus............ He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit ‘em and handed ‘em to him.

While the man was juggling, a pickup truck pulled in behind the patrol car.

Ah sho’ nuff drunk good ol' boy from tha’ Suburbs of Leland got out, watched the performance for ah lil’ while, then went over to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The trooper watched him and then went over to his patrol car, opened the door, an’ asked the drunk, “jus’ what in tha’ hell do you think you’re doing??”

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my a$$ to jail, ‘cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.”

[dfmaus]

Steve Martin taking a sobriety test in The Jerk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRbZtCTzMg8

Originally Posted by j.mccreight@hotmail.com

Ah Mis’sippi Highway Patrol trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 82 about 2 miles east of tha’ River Bridge at Greenville ‘bout 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was ah Magician and ah Juggler and he was on his way to Columbus, Mis’sipp...i to do a show at the Shrine Circus............ He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit ‘em and handed ‘em to him.

While the man was juggling, a pickup truck pulled in behind the patrol car.

Ah sho’ nuff drunk good ol' boy from tha’ Suburbs of Leland got out, watched the performance for ah lil’ while, then went over to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The trooper watched him and then went over to his patrol car, opened the door, an’ asked the drunk, “jus’ what in tha’ hell do you think you’re doing??”

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my a$$ to jail, ‘cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.”

[shepherd]

You're welcome.



THESE REALLY WORK!!



AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.