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  #2161  
Old 05-02-2014, 11:37 AM
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shepherd shepherd is offline
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Tales from the South

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
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  #2162  
Old 05-07-2014, 08:11 PM
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03 35th Anniversary 03 35th Anniversary is offline
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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.
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  #2163  
Old 05-08-2014, 03:43 PM
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pmkkdx pmkkdx is offline
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^^^amen!
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  #2164  
Old 05-09-2014, 08:44 PM
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Traxx822 Traxx822 is offline
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Beautiful^^^^^

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk
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  #2165  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:28 PM
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  #2166  
Old 05-15-2014, 10:39 PM
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j.mccreight@hotmail.com j.mccreight@hotmail.com is offline
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Boat: 1989 MasterCraft TriStar 190 SE
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The Texas Midget

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc , and I didn't even feel it.
What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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  #2167  
Old 05-16-2014, 11:26 AM
curver900 curver900 is offline
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Boat: Mastercraft, prostar 2001 205v
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This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple,
I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.
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  #2168  
Old 06-06-2014, 11:32 AM
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TxsRiverRat TxsRiverRat is offline
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Boat: 93 Prostar 205
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Posts: 3,765
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
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What does the fox say?

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding...

You know they all have a little string hanging out, but it's not a tampon, it's a price tag...
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  #2169  
Old 06-06-2014, 01:01 PM
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DooSPX DooSPX is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 03 35th Anniversary View Post
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

^^^^^ HOLY SHEET!!

LMFAO!
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A.K.A. One of a kind mistake
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Need a new prop to fit your needs? Call OJ PROPS 800-359-9730

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are stupid, than to open it and prove it"?
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  #2170  
Old 06-10-2014, 05:52 PM
TxsRiverRat's Avatar
TxsRiverRat TxsRiverRat is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Boat: 93 Prostar 205
Location: Southwest
Posts: 3,765
A woman walks into a freight company wanting a job as a truck driver. The manager said they had strict toughness tests to pass before being hired as a driver... She said she understood and was sure she could pass.

“OK, so so you curse?” asked the manager

“He** yeah mother****, I can outcuss any sonsof**** here...” she said

“Very nice! OK, so do you chew tobacco?”

“SPITTTTT!! Yup, I sure do!”

“Wow, I’m impressed! OK, final question... Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“Well, no, I haven’t... But I been swung around by the tits a few times!”

She was hired on the spot.
__________________
What does the fox say?

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding...

You know they all have a little string hanging out, but it's not a tampon, it's a price tag...

Last edited by TxsRiverRat; 06-10-2014 at 06:52 PM.
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