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sizzler
10-22-2004, 06:07 AM
two parrots sitting on a perch..........one says to the other
"can you smell fish ??"

Leroy
10-22-2004, 08:34 AM
Good one sizzler, I'm a little joke dense, so it took me about 10 minutes to get it!

Mag_Red
10-22-2004, 08:52 AM
Good one sizzler, I'm a little joke dense, so it took me about 10 minutes to get it! Took me about 20 seconds....but I did have to think about it :D

sizzler
10-22-2004, 08:56 AM
two goldfish in a tank..........one says to the other.

"how do you steer this thing"



sorry guys ,,,works boring and i'm just clockwatching till 5 ..then i'm off to the lake

Mag_Red
10-22-2004, 09:50 AM
:purplaugh You really should give the joke book back to your kids.

ktn_cmu
10-22-2004, 10:20 AM
Hey, I heard this one the radio yesterday...I hope I can recreate it here. I hope no one get offended by this, if you offend easily...Mag told me to do it...

Anyway:

This lady walks into a bar. This lady, a 350 pounder, walks up to the bar, lifts her arm, making it very obvious she doesn't care to shave, and says "who wants to buy a lady a drink?"

No one answers but one little drunk guy down at the end. He says, "Bartender, give the balerina a drink."

So...the bartender does...

A few minutes later, the same lady walks to the bars, lifts her arm, once again revealing her european background, and says, "who wants to buy a lady a drink?"

Again, no one answers but one little drunk guy down at the end. And again he says, "Bartender, give the balerina a drink."

The bartender does, but this time after he gives her a drink, he walks down the drunk sitting at the end and says, "Sir, I don't mind you buying that lady drinks, that is your choice, but I have one question for you, why do you keep calling her a Balerina?"

The drunk replies, "Bartender, any lady that can lift her leg that high has got to be a Balerina..."

Mag_Red
10-22-2004, 10:53 AM
:purplaugh
The joke was funny too ;)

MarkP
10-22-2004, 11:08 AM
:uglyhamme any lady that can lift her leg that high has got to be a Balerina:uglyhamme

east tx skier
10-22-2004, 11:40 AM
In this same line of jokes.

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

And, of course, the popular ...

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7-8-9.

ktn_cmu
10-22-2004, 11:49 AM
Did you hear the one about the roof...

Eh, nevermind, it is over your head...

east tx skier
10-22-2004, 12:35 PM
Awesome. Good one KTN!

MarkP
10-22-2004, 12:46 PM
sitting on a perch:toast: took me a while

but I got it:banana:

bradamerry
10-22-2004, 03:15 PM
Come on MarkP, I got it, must be easy!

east tx skier
10-22-2004, 03:25 PM
I read it at least three times before I busted out laughing.

paulphillipson
10-22-2004, 03:26 PM
Hear about the cannibal who passed his cousin in the woods?

ski_king
10-22-2004, 03:30 PM
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

ski_king
10-22-2004, 03:31 PM
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
....................Dam

ktn_cmu
10-22-2004, 03:32 PM
Good one...
<a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008_ZSzeb029' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_72.gif' border=0></a>

Hey, is there a way I can use HTML in posting???

MarkP
10-22-2004, 04:25 PM
Good one Powerslot..

Hey is it Indian summer yet

ski_king
10-22-2004, 05:13 PM
Good one Powerslot..

Hey is it Indian summer yet

No, not at least a good enough Indian Summer for me to "unwinterize" the boat. But, if a good weekend hits, I will do it! November is one month I have never skied, maybe this year will be the year.

Leroy
10-23-2004, 11:41 AM
ktn; I knew you could, but I see HTML turned off on mine and do not see how to turn on.

Mag; If only I could catch those jokes that quick! Too many years as engineer.

Try the middle school twisters.
http://www.teachersfirst.com/twister/select-a.htm

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Colors are so hard to tell apart.

Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. How practical!

Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. NOTE I have a beard....

Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Ok enough said.

Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Doesn't everyone?

Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. It's so easy!

Real Engineers say "It's 77 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin," and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day." Was 58 F on Monroe yesterday.

Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car." Very efficient!

Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Now that means something!

Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. WHy not!

Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. Or the shelves in the garage, still waiting on someone to build them.....

Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Hmmm, not funny.

Real Engineers don't find the observations above at all funny.

JimN
10-23-2004, 12:42 PM
Leroy-How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

Leroy
10-23-2004, 01:09 PM
JimN; Ohhhh, one of those word problems......something to do with shoes?

dwvktm450
10-23-2004, 02:08 PM
Bush and Kerry are both in the barbershop at the same time, and it is nothing but silence. Finally KIerry is finished first and the barber asks him if he wants some aftershave. He says, "No, I do not want the wife to think I have been in a whore house when I get home." Next the barber finished Bush and the barber asks him if he would like some aftershave. Bush replies, "why not, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

captkidd
10-26-2004, 11:25 AM
I might as well join in:

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings, so get out!"

The string goes outside and thinks about it for awhile, then ties himself into a knot and frays one of his ends. He goes back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Coming right up" and gets his drink. The string drinks it and orders another. Suddenly the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?!"

To which the string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

ktn_cmu
10-26-2004, 11:39 AM
My Dad is an engineer...

So I'll add, real engineers know all relevant formulas and mathematical equations by heart, but can't figure out the answers because the buttons on their calculator wrist watches are too small

NeilM
02-24-2005, 01:21 AM
Two Hydrogen atoms are walking along. One says to the other:"I've lost an electron"

The other asks: "Are you sure?"


First one replies "I'm positive"

erkoehler
02-24-2005, 01:45 AM
Wow, this site has just been brought down to a different level.

MarkP
02-24-2005, 10:36 AM
I might as well join in:

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings, so get out!"

The string goes outside and thinks about it for awhile, then ties himself into a knot and frays one of his ends. He goes back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Coming right up" and gets his drink. The string drinks it and orders another. Suddenly the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?!"

To which the string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."I'm a frayed knot:uglyhamme ........:noface:

bradamerry
02-24-2005, 10:58 AM
Thought this was funny!! :eek:

bradamerry
02-24-2005, 11:01 AM
Duck hunter's biggest fear! :rant:

DanC
02-24-2005, 06:53 PM
These are for Brian

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." - Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - Infantry Journal





and finally





"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN (or someone named Brian) RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

BriEOD
02-24-2005, 07:13 PM
Those are great Dan!! Thanks for sharing. I especially like the one about the combat ready unit and the inspection. That is the truth!!

sizzler
03-02-2005, 10:41 AM
Sound familiar !!


It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.


I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"


I finally stopped, turned looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back.......


"Would the C**T in the clubhouse kindly shut the F**k up and let me play my second shot?"

:D

bradamerry
03-02-2005, 10:43 AM
Now that is funny!

sizzler
03-02-2005, 11:03 AM
why ,thank you....i try to be of some use on this site

bcampbe7
03-02-2005, 11:10 AM
That's great Sizzler!
I'm not too proud of it but that could have been me a few years ago.
However, I got into long drive contest two years ago so I shouldn't have to worry about those 10-15 yard worm burners!

Bongo
03-02-2005, 12:08 PM
A grandfather, father and son are about ready to tee off at the first tee box when the Starter walks up the threesome and tells them they've got a fourth joining. They look up and see this attractive woman coming to join them. "Oh great" the father sighs, "just what we need, a woman to interrupt our game".

When the woman gets to the tee box, she tells the three guys "Look, I know you were expecting to play a round by yourselves. So I’ll keep out of your way and try not to interrupt your game”.

As they are golfing along, the woman stays out of their way. While the men don’t particularly keep track of all her shots, they notice that she’s playing a pretty good game and hasn’t been a hassle all day.

Finally, on the 18th green, the woman says to the men. “This is far and away the best round of golf I’ve ever played. I’ve got a chance to shoot par. If you help me sink this 20 foot putt, I’ll give you each a hummer.”

The 17 year old boy is beside himself. “Come on, make the putt.” he says.

The father starts helping determine the break and where she’ll need to aim.

The grandfather walks over to the ball, picks it up, tosses it her way and and says “That’s a gimme.”

:D :D

Bongo

sizzler
03-02-2005, 12:13 PM
v.nice..... :D

true story now...i was playing in a corperate golf day a few years back with a woman client in one of the four-balls....on a par 3 we asked her what she would do if she got a hole-in-one?? she replied that she would b### each of us.......my partner proceeded to take her ball off of the tee and concede the "putt"......
the look on her face was priceless

and no..she did not :uglyhamme

sfitzgerald351
03-02-2005, 01:07 PM
Great jokes! I'm still laughing.

:uglyhamme :uglyhamme :uglyhamme

MarkP
03-02-2005, 01:12 PM
Great jokes! I'm still laughing.

:uglyhamme Hell, I may take up golf

sizzler
03-02-2005, 05:43 PM
dont......its a great walk wasted :toast:

ChrisG
03-02-2005, 05:52 PM
...unless of course you get a cart and a case of beer :toast:

MarkP
03-02-2005, 06:21 PM
...unless of course you get a cart and a case of beer :toast:
Hey,

One of the two times I was on a gulf course did involve a case of beer...........;) and a girl

ChrisG
03-02-2005, 06:37 PM
Nice...talk about a hole in one :D

milkmania
03-02-2005, 06:39 PM
ahhhhhhhhhhh........but did you sink your putt???

milkmania
03-02-2005, 06:42 PM
dont......its a great walk wasted :toast:

translation requested here....

does this mean it's great walk that is wasted???

or

a great walk while wasted???

I guess either applies:uglyhamme

ChrisG
03-02-2005, 06:52 PM
In my case, the second option...just don't drink and drive (a cart). You may spill your beer.

JimN
03-02-2005, 07:44 PM
Sizzler- shouldn't the comment about the "great walk wasted" have quotes around it?

sizzler
03-03-2005, 04:48 AM
sorry chaps.......it was late for me...and full of cold ones :D

atlfootr
03-03-2005, 11:34 AM
Friend sent it, probably NSFW for some ...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any legs or feet. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy s**t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!".
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, throughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this .... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrasing but since you asked,
I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithloogy.
You really ought to buy me, I'd make a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Psssssst" says the parrot ... "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!".

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. The guy's delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" ask the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty
and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???"the guy asked incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting w/ her boosums and slowly going down.
WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Dammed if I know, I got a hard-** and fell of my perch".

sizzler
03-08-2005, 02:50 AM
morning chaps..

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened Ray ?

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do ?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that" !

:uglyhamme

Professor
03-08-2005, 08:09 AM
Good Morning Sizzler...Good One! You and atlfootr - keep them coming

sizzler
03-08-2005, 09:05 AM
good morning to you to..prof

bcampbe7
03-08-2005, 10:17 AM
Even though I don't drink, I found this funny...

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit-Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

bradamerry
03-10-2005, 05:01 PM
WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH??


A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Navel conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German." :uglyhamme

DanC
03-10-2005, 05:38 PM
My boss is a retired two star. He's gonna love this one.

Professor
03-10-2005, 06:56 PM
So Excellent!

Frank S.
03-10-2005, 11:33 PM
My first post - you would think it would be about a boat, but....

Frank S.
89 Tri Star



HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER.

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,

"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

André
03-11-2005, 08:53 AM
Welcome to the board Frank!!!

Mag_Red
03-11-2005, 09:16 AM
:purplaugh Great Joke and welcome :wavey:

jimmer2880
03-14-2005, 07:11 AM
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!



2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!



3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?



4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!



5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.



6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.



7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!



8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.



9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?



10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Leroy
03-14-2005, 08:49 AM
Great one Frank! Welcome, there's plenty of time to talk about boats!

DanC
03-15-2005, 08:45 PM
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard!
Spit it out!"

DanC
03-15-2005, 08:47 PM
Replace the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman with your favorite Team Mastercraft members. :toast:

bradamerry
03-15-2005, 09:12 PM
Replace the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman with your favorite Team Mastercraft members. :toast:
Who's the Irishman???? That is really all that matters.

BriEOD
03-15-2005, 09:32 PM
Do you know why God invented Beer???

So the Irish wouldn't take over the world!!!