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Farmer Ted
10-05-2004, 01:32 PM
The following are statements actually made in the American Courts. They were taken down, word for word, by court reporters who had to suffer the torment of remaining calm and politely unalarmed while recording these exchanges.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: (pause) Did you actually pass the bar exam?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: (pause) Oral?


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: (pause) No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, actually, it may just be possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

Zach S
10-05-2004, 02:03 PM
Good Stuff :D

G-man
10-05-2004, 02:30 PM
Hey Doug I hope this court reporting came out of Louisana and not Texas though it is remotely possible.

mgurley
10-05-2004, 02:32 PM
Very funny!! :uglyhamme

OhioProstar
10-05-2004, 02:38 PM
What are 10,000 trial lawyers at the bottom of the sea.....

Of course this year one of them is running for VP.

bradamerry
10-05-2004, 03:40 PM
Doug it is OK if you would like to stay away from this thread, we understand.

east tx skier
10-05-2004, 05:17 PM
Just got here, sorry. Nobody loves lawyer jokes as much as lawyers. Keep 'em coming.

George, it could easily be Texas.

Ohio, I believe the answer to your question is "a good start."

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you die.

OhioProstar
10-05-2004, 05:53 PM
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

lakes Rick
10-06-2004, 08:04 PM
Should have some good ones for you shortly..

My EX got caught dipping into our boys trust fund...

Her lawyer has already contacted my Lawyer and said it was 'my fault" she stole $200,000 from her kids.....

Some things never change....

lakes Rick
10-06-2004, 08:06 PM
What do you call the guy who graduates last in his medical school class?????

Doctor.....................

BriEOD
10-06-2004, 09:04 PM
Tim good stuff!!!

jimmer2880
10-07-2004, 06:36 AM
Of course it's your fault Rick... When you split up, you should keep $20.00 a week for yourself & give the rest to her! How can she even think about surviving on 1/2 YOUR salary? That's way too stressful. You should earn more so she can get a raise!

That's one of the big things that stinks about divorce... the kids always get the shaft... :(

Sorry to hear about your luck... give her he!!

sizzler
10-07-2004, 07:12 AM
chaps...i sympathise.....i only keep the wife happy to keep her from running off with the tennis coach and taking my millions......oh she also drives the boat!!!

Ron Grover
10-07-2004, 09:03 AM
Actual story:

In high school my daughter was an active debater. As a senior in high school she announced to me that she would like to became a lawyer.

I sat there very quietly thinking of the tuition and 7 more years.

Anxiously she ask, "Dad, what do you think?"

I calmly responded, "I only wish you would have chosen a more respected profession like prostitute or crack dealer."

Eventually she chose the medical profession.