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bcampbe7
09-13-2004, 01:03 PM
Joke for Doug...

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that ***** if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

BriEOD
09-13-2004, 01:26 PM
LMFAO!!!!! :uglyhamme

captkidd
09-13-2004, 03:18 PM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet
their maker, because of the grief they have experienced,
He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears
this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his
wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!

jimmer2880
09-14-2004, 07:06 AM
They're both funny as he!! :uglyhamme

MarkP
09-14-2004, 09:27 AM
You guys slay me:uglyhamme

east tx skier
09-15-2004, 03:34 PM
Awesome, I love it! :purplaugh

NeilM
09-17-2004, 11:45 AM
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult...However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was miserable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible........anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

sizzler
09-17-2004, 11:49 AM
:D :D :D very good

Knoxes
09-17-2004, 11:59 AM
Skeleton walks into a bar.

"Gimme a beer and a mop."

sizzler
09-17-2004, 12:09 PM
why did the mexican throw his wife off of the cliff?????




tequilla.........

bcampbe7
09-17-2004, 12:11 PM
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a sh@#?









show-off!

Lake_Tippy_Skier
09-17-2004, 12:17 PM
Skeleton walks into a bar.

"Gimme a beer and a mop."

wasn't this on Bob and Tom the other morning?

Knoxes
09-17-2004, 12:36 PM
I have no idea who Bob and Tom are.


Horse walks into a bar...

bartender says "why the long face?"

lakes Rick
09-17-2004, 12:41 PM
I have no idea who Bob and Tom are.




Better than hee haw......

bcampbe7
09-17-2004, 12:45 PM
Bob & Tom are awesome. Listen every morning on the way to work. I would listen at work but don't have a radio and the website is blocked.

Lake_Tippy_Skier
09-17-2004, 12:58 PM
I have no idea who Bob and Tom are.


Horse walks into a bar...

bartender says "why the long face?"


www.bobandtom.com

Very funny morining program that is based in Indy and is probably on a radio station near you.

bcampbe7
09-17-2004, 04:49 PM
Man sues wife... (http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=6267050)

BriEOD
09-17-2004, 04:54 PM
Ya'll need Sirrius or XM you'll never listen to radio the same again.

bradamerry
09-17-2004, 07:46 PM
BriEOD, I just bought one. I'm trying to set it up :confused: ?

Andrť
09-17-2004, 08:24 PM
A woman was getting married for the third time and was talking to her best friend :
"The first one was a gynecologist(sp) and we never had sex.He only wanted to check me up..."
"The second one was a psychiatrist,he only wanted to talk about sex..."
"This one is a lawyer.It's sure that i'm gonna get ****!". :D

MarkP
09-17-2004, 08:48 PM
Yep:banana: !! :uglyhamme!!!

bcampbe7
09-20-2004, 04:56 PM
Redneck riding lawn mower...

east tx skier
09-21-2004, 03:15 PM
Nice.

Sorry, the only joke I can ever remember ends with "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."

NeilM
09-21-2004, 11:51 PM
Nice.

Sorry, the only joke I can ever remember ends with "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."
Doug: too funny.. for one of my friends, I also think that's the only joke he knows...:purplaugh

NeilM
09-22-2004, 12:08 AM
I have a sickness with keeping my vehicles clean. My Dad is the same way. I think it is inherent. The boat is no different. The house on the otherhand is. I let the wife worry about that and have someone come in every other week to do the deep clean. Brings me to another point... Housecleaners are worth every penny. The time not spent cleaning the house time spent on the lake or doing whatever else you so desire. I'm trying to talk the treasurer (AKA wife) into hiring someone to mow the lawn. More time, MORE TIME...
You can get your cat to help you out with the housecleaning...

1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,


The Dog.

Illustrations are attached...

MarkP
09-22-2004, 11:35 AM
Ew, Dont do that to your cat..:rant: !!

mgurley
09-22-2004, 11:56 AM
Maybe this will help!

mgurley
09-22-2004, 11:57 AM
or this maybe!

BriEOD
09-22-2004, 12:05 PM
Doug I also know the ol' "WY" joke...oldie.

east tx skier
09-22-2004, 03:23 PM
Neil, I'm rolling. There's nothing funnier than a pi$sed off-looking cat.

bradamerry
09-22-2004, 05:28 PM
Don't laugh, I think that lawn mower is a great idea!!! :steering:

Leroy
09-22-2004, 06:19 PM
Great one Neil!

JimN
09-22-2004, 07:26 PM
Well, like they say, "Dogs have owners, cats have a staff."

BriEOD
09-22-2004, 09:04 PM
MarkP,

Where did you get that smiley?

east tx skier
09-23-2004, 03:05 PM
Brian, I think its :rant:

That is colon symbol "rant" colon symbol

bradamerry
09-29-2004, 04:02 PM
The first old lady told the second old lady that sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" by getting naked, laying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second lady thought this was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even harder time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straigt up in the air.

Just than her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed.
"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an A$$hole"!!!

MarkP
09-30-2004, 01:12 PM
ew, thanks i think:eek:

mgurley
09-30-2004, 01:34 PM
That's definitely a mental picture I could have done without. But hilarious. :purplaugh :uglyhamme

MarkP
09-30-2004, 01:38 PM
Brian. thatís our new one.. (new one every two months). Didnít you read the welcome pack??:rant:!! Get with it man:uglyhamme ..

MarkP,

Where did you get that smiley?

BriEOD
11-03-2004, 05:07 PM
Some light humor...

Doug's Place Has Everything

One day, in between slalom sets, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like everything. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Doug's Place. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Doug's Place. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite skiing spot for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Doug's Place, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. ! Get a lawyer.

; 5. If you don't stop skiing your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Doug's Place.

east tx skier
11-03-2004, 05:40 PM
Nice. It's not easy sitting inside that box day in and day out.

MarkL
11-03-2004, 06:54 PM
man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her,draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a
sexual
harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach,
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you
your
hair smells nice?" the woman replies,





It's Keith, the dwarf!"

jimmer2880
11-04-2004, 07:35 AM
man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her,draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a
sexual
harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach,
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you
your
hair smells nice?" the woman replies,





It's Keith, the dwarf!"
Shouldn't it be Keith, the vertically challenged.....? just bustin bud...

:uglyhamme