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bradamerry
05-03-2005, 03:44 PM
~How to change the oil in your car~

Instructions on how to change the oil in your car - FOR WOMEN:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
vehicle.

MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for $50.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on you in
process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No; drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into
hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
blood flow. 38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer
$40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!
:uglyhamme :uglyhamme

east tx skier
05-03-2005, 03:52 PM
So true. If I didn't have to drive 40 minutes round trip to the beer store, I'd probably have attempted an oil change on my car by now.

6ballsisall
05-03-2005, 03:59 PM
Boy that episode used to be dead on for me! Now with no time it's off to a quick lube to get er' done. Funny how I save money having someone else do all the work!

:D

DanC
05-03-2005, 04:10 PM
:uglyhamme
just like my projects, they just keep getting worse

Brad, I could use your instructions on how to change the brake pads but I only have a dial-up. :uglyhamme

bradamerry
05-03-2005, 04:12 PM
:uglyhamme
just like my projects, they just keep getting worse

Brad, I could use your instructions on how to change the brake pads but I only have a dial-up. :uglyhamme
I'm sure there would be a tire mark on something in that post. :rant:

Larryp
05-03-2005, 04:30 PM
I bet most of you don't use the quick lube for the boat.

6ballsisall
05-03-2005, 04:35 PM
Actually I really thought about Larry! Figured for what one of those oil pumps cost I could get 2 years oil changes. In the end I broke down and bought one, it seemed like a good reason to drink beer :D

Leroy
05-03-2005, 04:38 PM
Tooo Funny Brad!