View Full Version : Non-Political Jokes

09-13-2008, 11:11 PM
Post a political joke and you will have an elephant sit on you or a donkey kick you in the business!

Women Are Evil By Nature..

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

09-13-2008, 11:37 PM
That might be tough without offending some race, creed, color, beliefs, religeon plus gey, women's and imigration rights :confused: what'd I forget?

Shams new boat :banana:

ProTour X9
09-14-2008, 08:09 AM
This shouldn't offend anybody:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and Police car?
A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

09-14-2008, 03:05 PM
I ain't gonna touch this thread, yea right!:rolleyes::D

09-16-2008, 11:56 AM
A magician got booked on a passenger cruise liner. There was a talking parrot near the stage. At first, the act was going fine. A few days later, the parrot started catching on. He was yelling out "it's in his sleeve"...."it's under the table"...."it's in his hat"...

That night the ship crashed into a submerged rock and sunk. The magician and the parrot were clinging to some debris. For several hours they were just glaring at each other.

Finally, the parrot said "okay, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

09-16-2008, 08:02 PM

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

ProTour X9
09-16-2008, 08:54 PM
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''
__________________________________________________ _______________________________
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
Signs You're Getting Older
1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower. HAROLD!

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. HAROLD!

33. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, "because I said so."

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word "equity" means.

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Two out of 50 isn't bad, sir.

09-16-2008, 09:10 PM
You got that right!!!!!!:D

51. You use all your leftover sex lube when replacing water pump impellers!!:rolleyes:8p:D
52. You fill your Virgra prescriptions using them with fertilizer, thinking you won't have to stake up your tomotos!

09-17-2008, 09:55 AM
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'8p

09-17-2008, 11:10 AM
if your gas tank if half full... you're an optimistic boat owner

if you gas tank is half empty... you're a pessimistic boat owner

if your gas tank tank has 1/4 of its volume occupied and your guage reads 1/2 tank... you're a mastercraft boat owner

09-17-2008, 04:59 PM
Great Gift ideas for men..........................


09-17-2008, 07:32 PM
Maybe not a joke and maybe too political, but,

My kind of lady!!

Awesome SeniorMoment

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?'

The old womanlooked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouthour country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your *** and open it!'

09-17-2008, 09:32 PM
Actual statements in insurance trials

Incidents with Pedestrians.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Accidents with other vehicles.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)

Collisions, calamities, and injuries.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

Who is to Blame?

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the
verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard

09-18-2008, 09:25 AM
A Mississippi State trooper pulled a car over on Interstate 10 about 2 miles West of the Alabama State line around midnight. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Mobile to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, leaned on the side of his car, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, ' You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.

09-18-2008, 09:27 AM
Saw this sitting in a hotel parking lot the other day ...

09-18-2008, 09:29 AM
Saw this sitting in a hotel parking lot the other day ...

I don't get it? :confused:

09-18-2008, 09:30 AM
What don't you get, Skipper?

09-18-2008, 09:38 AM
The joke, what's the funny part?

09-18-2008, 09:41 AM
The bus?
No joke, it's a political campaign bus.

09-18-2008, 09:42 AM
Now I get it.