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milkmania
03-25-2005, 06:42 PM
this may not be the place for this.....

but I consider you guys "friends" and you tell how it is....straight up!


my Grandmother passed away on Wednesday, her services are Saturday....
her Pastor (1999 til present) will preside over the services, and her former pastor from Tulsa will also speak from his memories of my Grandparents from 1958 to 1999

what do I need to pay these guys?
I have no clue, I do not want to insult them.

I've been the one to take care of all arrangements, and I know it is proper to offer these men payment for their services, but I don't know who to ask:o

her present pastor will be driving 150 miles one way, and her old pastor is local to services.

thanks guys

Mag_Red
03-25-2005, 07:11 PM
:confused: I have no idea but this should keep it at the top of the page till you get an answer. Sorry about the loss of your Grandmother.

Leroy
03-25-2005, 07:26 PM
Sorry to hear this Milkmania. Condolences to you and your family, a Grandmother is hard to lose.


I don't know the proper amount, maybe our board minister or someone else can comment. When I lost my dad 13 years ago I put $100 in an envelop for the pastor, extra work, creating eulogy, etc. But I think the ministers consider this part of their job and expect nothing.

Ric
03-25-2005, 07:38 PM
I don't know either but my condolences and prayers for your family as well


bumping you to the top

André
03-25-2005, 07:49 PM
Sorry Milkman.
M.I.L and grandmother,Those are hard time for you and family.
Hoping for some better things happening to you.

MarkL
03-25-2005, 07:54 PM
Ask the funeral director.

MasterMason
03-25-2005, 08:29 PM
Ask the funeral director.


Sorry about your loss Milk.. MarkL has hit it on the head, ask the funeral director what he would add if he had to provide a preacher, and go from there. I think it was about $150 when my dad died last year. He didn't have a regular preacher so had the funeral home get one to come down.

6ballsisall
03-25-2005, 08:39 PM
Milk,

The wife and I send our condolenses for our loss.

Bongo
03-26-2005, 12:30 AM
Sorry to hear about your loss.

The general sentiments on the board have it right. Probably about $150 in a discrete envelope. However, ask the funeral director - he absolutely has his ear to the ground and is programmed to give you good guidance.

Bongo

milkmania
03-26-2005, 01:08 AM
thanks for the kind words guys.
I feel a lot better.
What I've considered is $200.00 for the pastor that has to drive 300 miles round trip, and $100.00 for the pastor that is speaking for my Grandmother that lives locally.

my reasoning is fuel. and I'd rather go long than short and hurt someone's feelings, etc.....

As Andre mentioned, my Mother in Law is in VERY bad health with lung cancer... two weeks ago the hospice nurse said since her lips and tongue were turning purple, she'd probably have 24-48 hours to live.......... 2 weeks ago

we're just praying to get through Grandma's services before the mother in law passes away.

I've seen this pressure before... my mother died in 92 from cancer, then my brother got killed in a motorcycle accident 16 days later. it was tough times, but my wife and family got me through that, and I am much stronger now.

again, thanks guys
I knew it was an awkward question for a boat board, but you folks have real life experiences just the same:)

whitedog
03-26-2005, 01:17 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Your family is in our prayers. Keep the faith and remember that God will not give you anything that you cannot get through.

You are about right on compensation and your reasoning.

Vern Swieringa
03-26-2005, 01:40 AM
Brian,

I'm sorry to hear of your grandmother's death. You have my heartfelt sympathy's and prayers. I have officiated over many funerals over the past five years. I have recieved honorariums from $0 to $75. The $0 was from a family whose mother passed away in the hospital while I was the on call chaplain. I didn't know the family at all and they called a couple days before the funeral and asked if I would do it. I said I would and I didn't ask for any specific fee. I leave that up to the families to decide. I wasn't disappointed, because I just considered it another opportunity to share God's grace to hurting people.

With that said, my guess is that different areas of the country may have their own norms. I think you're giving a little more to the pastor driving a 150 miles is very considerate. I think the advice to ask the funeral director is a good one. THey have a better idea, than even the pastors, what people typically give for funerals.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

milkmania
03-26-2005, 01:53 AM
Vern,

Thank you, seriously

you made me think of another point....
the current Pastor is the one that officiated over my Mother's funeral in 1992, and helped another Pastor with my brother's funeral.

I was talking to my Grandmother's old Pastor and found out he used to take my Great Grandmother to church services before he left California back in 1963 to come back to Tulsa.
My Grandparents left California to come back to Tulsa in approx. 1977 with Grandpa being sick on the trip back here from bone cancer.
I was so excited to hear how my Grandparents originally met "Brother Rich"...
He and Grandpa worked construction together in California.

then they reaquanted themselves in Tulsa, Grandpa was saved, then a short time later Grandma was saved. you must realize these people were in their retirement ages:)

thank you all so much

mbeach
03-26-2005, 09:31 AM
this may not be the place for this.....

but I consider you guys "friends" and you tell how it is....straight up!


my Grandmother passed away on Wednesday, her services are Saturday....
her Pastor (1999 til present) will preside over the services, and her former pastor from Tulsa will also speak from his memories of my Grandparents from 1958 to 1999

what do I need to pay these guys?
I have no clue, I do not want to insult them.

I've been the one to take care of all arrangements, and I know it is proper to offer these men payment for their services, but I don't know who to ask:o

her present pastor will be driving 150 miles one way, and her old pastor is local to services.

thanks guys

sorry for your loss. lost my mom several years ago and paid long time pastor (retired) $100 and current pastor ($75) since they both presided over service. also paid pianist and soloist $50 each. hope this helps.

SteveO
03-26-2005, 09:36 AM
Milkman,

Sorry for your loss, You're in our prayers

mtrask
03-26-2005, 09:45 AM
Condolences, Keep the faith, God Bless!!

MasterMason
03-26-2005, 11:28 AM
I've seen this pressure before... my mother died in 92 from cancer, then my brother got killed in a motorcycle accident 16 days later. it was tough times, but my wife and family got me through that, and I am much stronger now.


I feel your pain on this one. Last year I lost my Dad on Jan 13, my uncle on Jan 31, and my almost 90 year old aunt and uncle were killed in a car wreck together about 4 months later. Way too many funerals in too short a period of time.

roddydog
03-26-2005, 11:43 AM
Very sorry for your loss. I think the guys have got it right. Discretion is best.

quincyfirefighter
03-26-2005, 11:56 AM
From my family to yours. Our Condolenses

aprgriggs
03-26-2005, 12:29 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. It is ok to offer money in an envelope. I would also put a letter of appreciation in with the money. Good Luck and God Bless.

pdoppenheim
03-26-2005, 02:54 PM
thanks for the kind words guys.
I feel a lot better.
What I've considered is $200.00 for the pastor that has to drive 300 miles round trip, and $100.00 for the pastor that is speaking for my Grandmother that lives locally.

my reasoning is fuel. and I'd rather go long than short and hurt someone's feelings, etc.....

As Andre mentioned, my Mother in Law is in VERY bad health with lung cancer... two weeks ago the hospice nurse said since her lips and tongue were turning purple, she'd probably have 24-48 hours to live.......... 2 weeks ago

we're just praying to get through Grandma's services before the mother in law passes away.

I've seen this pressure before... my mother died in 92 from cancer, then my brother got killed in a motorcycle accident 16 days later. it was tough times, but my wife and family got me through that, and I am much stronger now.

again, thanks guys
I knew it was an awkward question for a boat board, but you folks have real life experiences just the same:)
Sorry for your loss.

I think your contributions (and that is what they are) OF $200 AND $100 are appropriately generous.

I've been there a while ago and I asked a friend in the clergy and he said nothing was required but $100 was customary and reasonable.

milkmania
03-26-2005, 10:04 PM
Had a Beautiful service today in Tulsa.
Windy & cold, but no rain

I fixed 2 appreciation cards & envelopes with $200.00 & $100.00 and at one point I handed them to the funeral director and asked him to give them to the two pastors....

it was also very discreet, I saw him hand out the envelopes as the pastors shook his hand after the final viewing.


thank you guys, I'm going to bed...been driving all day:)

georgea0731
03-27-2005, 09:40 AM
I believe we gave the pastor around $100 since we was local. We also made a small donation to his church, around ($50-$100, can't remember).
No matter what you do no one will question you! They are serving God, the community and their church members, so this is not like a birthday gift, wedding gift, where someone is comparing or questioning the value.
Good luck and we're sorry about your loss!

milkmania
03-31-2005, 12:16 AM
well, haven't been able to get on the board much lately....
Mother in Law passed away very early Tuesday morning, her services are Friday @ 2:00

thank you all again

ski_king
03-31-2005, 12:24 AM
Sorry to hear of your loss.... our thoughts are with you and your family.

Kell
03-31-2005, 12:52 AM
Milkmania, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Our thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

milkmania
03-31-2005, 01:04 AM
thanks guys,

actually after seeing the reactions of the wife's family.....
they seem relieved
Cancer's a horrible disease to endure.

being from a small town, we used the local funeral home, and this young funeral director made it a wonderful experience for both my family's involved.
Shoot, we even kidded around about one "client" wanting to be buried with his Remington 30.06, one person with the six pack, and another was buried with "a green leafy substance"

he was so cool, he was very informative, great personality.... we actually had some good laughs:purplaugh

Bongo
03-31-2005, 01:26 AM
Glad it went as well as it could, under the circumstances.

I've found funeral directors, etc. to generally be very funny...if you can get them out of the demeanor they need during the formal part of their task. They may have the best view of the human spirit and emotion. And also the follies we silly humans do.

BTW, did you take care of the guy (financially)? On the couple occasions I've had the unfortunate opportunity to be one of key guys, they have always laid out everything -- including any fees that they might customarily accept. I don't recall if there was anything above the formal fees (there may not have been), but I do remember they had it nailed.

Now...maybe you need to connect with Mag_Red for a little sentitivity training. ;-)

Bongo

milkmania
03-31-2005, 02:11 AM
yes, TJ the funeral director has been greased.....:purplaugh

I forgot he was telling us this one group came through once.
some family members wanted him to stand at the front door and refuse entrance to some other family members....
he simply told the lady "I'm a Funeral Director, not a bouncer"

tex
03-31-2005, 09:38 AM
Milk-Sorry for the losses. I understand what you are going through. Cancer has taken too many people close to me. There is a sense of relief. Remember people grieve differently. I always like going to the lake! Anybody close to me, knows that is where I am most comfortable. You are and your family are in our thoughts.

east tx skier
03-31-2005, 11:16 AM
Milk, a little late, but I, too, am very sorry for your loss. Like Tex, I've lost quite a few people to cancer and it is as hard as anything you'll go through. I'll be sending some good thoughts your way, buddy.

jsonova99
03-31-2005, 11:26 AM
Milk, verry sorry to hear about your losses. We'll keep you in our thoughts.

Granite_33
03-31-2005, 11:33 AM
Milk,

Your sums are generous indeed and will be most appreciated.

Having an uncle who is a catholic priest, I know that he always considered doing things like this part of his service.....and he never expected anything in return.

Anything he did get was most appreciated and never expected.

captkidd
03-31-2005, 04:35 PM
Milk, I too want to offer my condolences. Your family is certainly in my prayers.

I don't care what anyone says, I feel honored any time someone cares enough about the opinions of others on here to share their hurts and ask for our advice. Most of us will never meet in person, but it seems that at times like this we all share a kinship of sorts.

jsonova99
03-31-2005, 04:36 PM
Milk, I too want to offer my condolences. Your family is certainly in my prayers.

I don't care what anyone says, I feel honored any time someone cares enough about the opinions of others on here to share their hurts and ask for our advice. Most of us will never meet in person, but it seems that at times like this we all share a kinship of sorts.


Well said!! :toast:

milkmania
03-31-2005, 05:16 PM
Milk, I too want to offer my condolences. Your family is certainly in my prayers.

I don't care what anyone says, I feel honored any time someone cares enough about the opinions of others on here to share their hurts and ask for our advice. Most of us will never meet in person, but it seems that at times like this we all share a kinship of sorts.

thanks.

I sort of look at is diversity in experiences...
each one has different experiences, and finding out this kind of stuff sure helps a lot.

ski_king
04-02-2005, 10:50 AM
I want to thank Brian (Milkmania) for starting this thread. It will help me with what I have to do this weekend.

My father passed away early this morning and I will be making his funeral arrangements this afternoon.

In the meantime, I am sitting here fondly remembering the man who taught me to ski and drive a boat. I loved him dearly and he will be deeply missed.

Thanks Guys,
Denny

MasterMason
04-02-2005, 11:02 AM
Powerslot,

sorry about your loss. Lost my dad a year ago. And your doing the right thing, remember the good times.

Vern Swieringa
04-02-2005, 11:16 AM
Powerslot,

You're in my thoughts and prayers. May your memories of your dad bring you warmth as you meet with family and friends to laugh and cry together.

Vern

André
04-02-2005, 12:11 PM
Powerslot
Sorry to read about your loss,my condoleances to you and family.
My dad wad to be rush to the hospital a couples of weeks ago with heart problems.So many things went trough my head at that moment that i had to take a break from work and stayed home for 2 weeks to get myself on my feets.
Keep some good memories of your father as i'm sure he was a good man and showed you good values.
Take care of your mom if she's still with you.
Life goes by so fast...Enjoy it!

JEREMY79
04-02-2005, 12:17 PM
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. This morning at eight oclock I lost my Great-Grandfather. He was 97. He fought a long heroic battle against age and multiple strokes. He was a very fine man.

milkmania
04-03-2005, 12:17 AM
Powerslot82 & JEREMY79,

I'll be thinking about you guys and I know what you mean about memories.
My grandfather was the male role model in my life, and I'll never forget that man.

when you talk to your children about memories, you'll learn more about yourself and that relationship than you can imagine.

scott88prostar
04-03-2005, 10:00 AM
Milk , Power, Jeremy......sorry guys!.....its the hardest lesson and the greatest....what I mean by the greatest is how much you loved them

JEREMY79
04-06-2005, 12:24 AM
Guys, I just got back into town from the funeral. Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts and prayers. This is tough. Life is backwards. It should get easier as you get older.

MasterMason
04-06-2005, 02:47 AM
Guys, I just got back into town from the funeral. Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts and prayers. This is tough. Life is backwards. It should get easier as you get older.


Actually I disagree there, kids should lead a carefree existence, it it hard enough to live a good life and do the right things, without having to grow up too fast. Make your kids remember their childhood fondly, and insulate them from as much of the bad stuff as you can, so they will do the same with theirs.