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sizzler
02-08-2005, 05:47 AM
n the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
>together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog
and
>began to sink.
>
>Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get
>the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
>
>Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
>no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
>
>Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW.
>Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
>hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
>
>Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the
>chicken
>
>arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
>rope the chicken tossed to him.
>
>After tieing the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
>chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
>car, rescued the donkey!
>
>Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
>the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
>The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
>pals.
>
>A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
>began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
>
>The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
>puddle.
>
>Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he
>would
>
>then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
>donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>
>
>The moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
>
:banana:

André
02-08-2005, 06:58 AM
LOL!
Sizzler ,good one...as usual!!!

Professor
02-08-2005, 08:09 AM
Great... :D

sizzler
02-08-2005, 10:11 AM
i would like to say that i dont need a BMW.....

but i can't :D

JimN
02-08-2005, 10:58 AM
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky with a smile, "Now let the poison work."

JimN
02-08-2005, 10:59 AM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

############################
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with
my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

milkmania
02-08-2005, 11:02 AM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



love it:woohoo:

Leroy
02-08-2005, 11:14 AM
Great one's JimN :uglyhamme

sizzler
02-08-2005, 11:26 AM
very nice jim,very nice

JEREMY79
02-08-2005, 12:41 PM
very nice jim :)

JimN
02-08-2005, 04:14 PM
Here are some I think most of you can relate to.

JimN
02-08-2005, 04:16 PM
And just when you thought it was over,.....

milkmania
02-08-2005, 05:01 PM
a webcam clip of a guy telling his girlfriend goodnight......
hilarious!!!!!

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/webcamlove.html

Zach S
02-08-2005, 05:58 PM
It looks like the gal in "drunk 4" may have had a little trouble making it to the toilet before passing out. :toast:

JimN
02-08-2005, 11:39 PM
Here's another one. I hope PETA doesn't see this.

sizzler
02-10-2005, 10:54 AM
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to
choose a
>husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with
the men
>increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
>
>The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose
>a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
down
>except to leave the place, never to return.
>
>A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
>husbands...
>
>First floor
>
>The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
women
>read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job
or not
>loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
>
>Second floor
>
>The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
>extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder
>what's
>further up?"
>
>Third floor
>
>This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good

>looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the
>women,
>"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they
went.
>
>Fourth floor
>
>This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids,
>are
>extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
>romantic
>streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting us
>further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
>
>Fifth floor
>
>The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove
>that women are f ** king impossible to please. The exit is to your
left, we
>hope you fall down the stairs."

ktn_cmu
02-10-2005, 11:11 AM
That's awesome!!!

MarkP
02-10-2005, 12:02 PM
The exit is to your
left!!:uglyhamme !!

Professor
02-10-2005, 12:36 PM
GREAT! Keep them coming...

JimN
02-10-2005, 12:50 PM
But wait, there's more!

MasterMason
02-11-2005, 01:35 PM
Hopefully no one is offended, but I found it funny





President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Hoosier Bob
02-11-2005, 11:11 PM
I have to say I will be telling that one tomorrow even though it is offensive. I only repeat offensive jokes!
Sorry!

BriEOD
02-12-2005, 09:22 AM
Good one! :D

JohnnyB
02-12-2005, 11:55 PM
So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by a fine lady who asks him if he wants to go home with her.

So the panda bear obliges and goes back to this gal's place for a night of wild sex.

In the morning he gets up to leave to get back to the zoo, and she says

"You can't leave you have to pay me"

Panda bear says "why would I pay you"

Girl says "I'm a prostitute"

Panda bear says "yeah and I'm a Panda bear"

Girl says "you don't understand".....grabbing a dictionary, she shows the Panda the definition of prostitute: Person who has sex in exchange for money

Quickly thinking, the Panda Bear opens the dictionary to Panda and says "see, Panda Bear : Animal that eats bush and leaves"

"Good-bye"

BriEOD
02-13-2005, 06:47 AM
Cute... :D

Professor
02-13-2005, 11:10 AM
Didn't expect that one. :D

bradamerry
02-16-2005, 07:23 PM
A blonde joke, imagine that ;) !

JEREMY79
02-16-2005, 08:02 PM
good one

Ron Grover
02-17-2005, 10:28 AM
Caution PG-13 rated






The University of Colorado spent $250,000 conducting a study on why the head of a mans ***** is larger than its shaft. At the end of the study they concluded that it was to provide greater pleasure for the man during sex.

Researchers at the University of Kansas did not agree with their findings so they spent $500,000 researching the same subject. Their conclusions were that the larger head was to provide greater pleasure for the woman during sex.

The University of Missouri wanted to settle the issue once and for all. They spent $11.25 on a study and concluded the head was larger to prevent your hand from slipping off and hitting yourself in the forehead.

bradamerry
02-17-2005, 01:22 PM
Amen brother :headbang: !

dmac
03-15-2005, 08:46 AM
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Mag_Red
03-15-2005, 09:07 AM
:woohoo: Three great jokes to start the morning!

dmac
03-15-2005, 09:14 AM
Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.

Professor
03-15-2005, 10:00 AM
Good one DMAC!

MarkP
03-15-2005, 10:36 AM
Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.Good one!! I didnt see that commin:uglyhamme

sizzler
04-08-2005, 04:31 AM
morning guys.....might be old but still relevant

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital were testing an
> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
> mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
> willing to try it out.
>
> Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain
> transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent
> was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
> But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
> doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
> the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband was still
> feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
> was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try
> for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the
> pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
> encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
> delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
> experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got
> home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
:D

BriEOD
04-08-2005, 06:50 AM
Funny! :D

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:35 AM
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:36 AM
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:37 AM
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:41 AM
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:43 AM
A preist wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIESTS A$$ SHOWS. The preist was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREIST"S A$$ OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREIST'S A$$.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:47 AM
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Much to her embarrassment, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:50 AM
Bill Johnson called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I cannot come work today, I am really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my leg hurts, I cannot come work."


The boss says: "Bill I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Bill calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. By the way you got nice house.

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:51 AM
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying SOB! You've been playing golf!!"

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 08:57 AM
A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. You did right, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:02 AM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

The next morning she begin thinking if one is good 10 would be great so she crushed ten for his coffee.

A week later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad passionate love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:09 AM
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:11 AM
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How in the world do you think I am gonna find you a lawyer up here?"

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:18 AM
An elderly man owned a large farm. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping. He made the women aware of his presence. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he added, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:21 AM
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:22 AM
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a$$ and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States.

Ron Grover
04-08-2005, 09:42 AM
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were chasing me and trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

MarkP
04-08-2005, 10:30 AM
Good ONE!!!!!:uglyhamme

captkidd
04-08-2005, 03:46 PM
Good ONE? I'm searching the TV Guide to see when Ron's going to be on Letterman.

André
04-08-2005, 04:05 PM
Holly cow! If only i could memorize a couples of them!
Ron,very funny jokes,keep them coming! LOL

sizzler
04-19-2005, 09:28 AM
DONT KNOW IF I POSTED THIS ALREADY.....


A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after
> > >some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
> > >
> > >They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special
> 'Chicken
> > >Surprise'.
> > >
> > >The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> > >
> > >Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the
> > >pot
> rises
> > >a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
> > >around before the lid slams back down.
> > >
> > >"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
> > >
> > >He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again
> > >the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking
> > >around before it firmly slams back down.
> > >
> > >Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is
> > >happening
and
> > >demands an explanation.
> > >
> > >"Well sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?"
> > >
> > >"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
> > >
> > >"Oh, I do apologise, this is my fault," says the waiter.........
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >"I've brought you the Peking duck."
> > >
> > >
> >
:uglyhamme

NeilM
04-19-2005, 10:26 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in he room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$85,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?

sizzler
04-21-2005, 02:13 AM
nice one .......

heres another.....

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

:smile:

lakes Rick
04-21-2005, 10:37 AM
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

:smile:[/QUOTE]

Your preaching to the choir here...

6ballsisall
04-21-2005, 11:03 AM
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

:smile:

Your preaching to the choir here...[/QUOTE]

I read that just before your post LR, somehow I knew you'd say that :woohoo:

sizzler
04-22-2005, 08:19 AM
something for Lakes Rick.....

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Mike was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mike tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.

"What's in the bag?", asked the old man. Mike looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my Wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

:D

Ron Grover
04-22-2005, 10:46 AM
It was Mike the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house gave him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, led him through the door, closing it behind him and then led him upstairs to the bedroom where she indulged him with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed OJ.

When his appetite was satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what's the dollar for?

Well, said the blonde, last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and suggested we do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said "screw him...give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.

sizzler
04-22-2005, 11:09 AM
nice one ron

sizzler
04-22-2005, 11:15 AM
>>> Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
> >>> When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home
> >was
> >>> take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and
> >>> told
> >her
> >>> to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she
> >>> said
> >to
> >>> me
> >>> that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
> >>>
> >>> I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
> >>> this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never
> >>> had a single problem." Jack took his father's advice and as soon
> >>> as he got
>
> >>> Jill
> >alone
> >>> after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers,
> >gave
> >>> them
> >>> to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers
> >were too
> >>> big
> >>>
> >>> and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I
> >wear the
> >>> trousers in this relationship and always will.
> >>>
> >>> I don't want you to forget that".
> >>> Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. Try
> >>> these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too
> >small.
> >>> "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. Exactly,"
> >>> replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude,you
> >>> never will.
>
:uglyhamme

peason
04-22-2005, 11:31 AM
An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the peanut falls in his ear. He tries and tries to get the peanut out, but it is lodged in his ear. Upon seeing his frustration, his daugher asks if he needs help, which he declines. The boyfriend speaks up and says I know a sure way to get the peanut out, trust me it will work.
The boyfriend then sticks his two fingers into the man's nose and tells him to blow as hard as he can. Sure enough the peanut pops out!

After the young couple leave, the wife was so impressed with the boyfriend and his solution to getting the peanut out she goes on and on about how smart the young man is. She finally askes her husband what he thinks this boy will be when he grows up.

The man replies, "I don't have any clue what he will be, but by the smell of his fingers he is going to be our son-in-law" :eek: :purplaugh

jayocheskey
04-22-2005, 11:47 AM
Very Dirty!!!

sizzler
04-22-2005, 11:58 AM
so wrong..........but goood

André
04-22-2005, 12:12 PM
Good jokes guys !
Keep them coming !

Ron Grover
04-22-2005, 01:33 PM
Maria and Tony get married and they are poor newlyweds so they go back to Maria's mothers house for the honeymoon.

Maria has never been with a man and doesn't know quite what to do. So they go upstairs and all of a sudden Maria runs downstairs the stairs in a panic. Mama, mama she screams, Tony took off his shirt and he has a hair all over his chest.

Mama comforts her little girl and tells her all good men have hair on their chest now go back up stairs with your husband.

So Maria goes back upstairs and Tony takes off his pants. Maria runs out the door and down the stairs yelling mama mama Tony has hair all over his legs. Mama again comforts her little girl by telling her all good men have hair on their legs. Now go back upstairs.

Maria goes back upstairs and finds Tony sitting on the edge of the bed. He raises his leg and pulls off one sock and reachs down and takes off the other sock. In a mowing accident Tony accidently had cut off 3 toes and a portion of his foot. Maria runs screaming out of the room.

Down the stairs she runs, Mama Mama, Tony only has a foot and a half. Mama turns around to her little girl and hands her the spoon, here stir the pasta.

Ron Grover
04-27-2005, 11:13 AM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts???"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes I have. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

Ron Grover
04-27-2005, 11:36 AM
Service With A Smile

Henry was standing in line at the airport check-in counter. The man
in front of him was giving the ticket agent all kinds of grief. It
appeared the agent was doing everything possible to please the man,
but nothing seemed to work; the customer seemed to get angrier with
every suggestion the agent made, and raised his voice louder and
louder.

The agent, on the other hand, kept perfectly poised and, when he
finally got everything in order, sent the man off with a smile.

Henry handed the agent his ticket for processing and said to him, "I
don't know how you kept your cool with that man."

"Oh, it wasn't too hard," said the agent, "I've dealt with his type
before."

"I still don't understand how you managed to stay so calm when
someone is yelling at you like that?" noted Henry.

"Well," continued the ticket agent, "you noticed he was going to
Seattle?"

"Yes," said Henry.

"His luggage," said the agent, "is going to Singapore."

Leroy
04-27-2005, 10:33 PM
Gandorf the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Gandorf the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Gandorf the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Gandorf the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Gandorf the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Gandorf worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Gandorf the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

The King immediately summoned Gandorf the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

BriEOD
04-28-2005, 07:08 AM
Funny :purplaugh

erkoehler
04-28-2005, 09:14 AM
That is too long! I am so tired I didn't read it all (I'll be honest!) I think it was funny, oh well off to bed!

Leroy
04-28-2005, 09:22 AM
I'll find a couple of one liners for ya Eric! :D

erkoehler
04-28-2005, 09:25 AM
Can't stay a w a k e any longer!


Talk to you guys after 3 today!

MarkP
04-28-2005, 09:47 AM
That is too long! I didn't read it all

Now thats funny:uglyhamme

sizzler
04-28-2005, 10:16 AM
guys ...the towns mentioned are around my hometown...please feel free to substitute them for your own towns.....

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They
>are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St
>Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had
>any contact with a man's thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
>I once touched the head of one with the
>tip of my finger"
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and

>pass
>through the gate."
> St. Peter asks the next girl (from Hornchurch) the same question,
>"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" The girl is a

>little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked
>one."
>St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through
>the gate."
>
>All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
>the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.When
>she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to
>be the rush?" The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that
>Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
>

MasterMason
04-28-2005, 10:39 AM
That is too long! I am so tired I didn't read it all (I'll be honest!) I think it was funny, oh well off to bed!


Short attention span disorder?

BriEOD
04-29-2005, 06:50 AM
A man boards a plane and sits down in his seat next to a very attractive woman. As the plane is taking off and climbing to the apporopriate altitude the man and the women begin to talk. He asks her "what do you do for a living?" To which she replies: "I'm a sex therapist." She goes on to say that their are a lot of "improper stereotypes in her line of work." "For example" she tells the man "most people think it's the French that are the longest lovers, when in fact it is Native Americans." "Others believe that latinos give the best oral sex, when conversely it is the Jewish." "Also, a lot of people think that it is the blacks that are the most well endowed, when in actuality it is cajuns." The woman is going on and on. She actually becomes a little embarassed and says to the man: "I've been talking about myself so much I missed your name." To that the man says, my name is: Tonto, Tonto Goldstein but my buddies call Boudreaux." :purplaugh

bcampbe7
04-29-2005, 07:57 AM
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, and then drive to Waco,
Austin, San Antonio. Next, over to Houston and then down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland,
Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene,
Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: I'm
Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry,
George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your
gun. The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Ron Grover
05-06-2005, 10:37 AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Job. Our prayers have been answered!"
__________________

peason
05-06-2005, 11:36 AM
A new priest is up on the altar offering his sermon, the congregation is very pleased with his style and delivery. As he finishes his sermon he solemnly says "Lord you have created us in your image, and without you we are but dust."

While all is quiet, a small child looks up at her mother and askes in a rather large wisper so that everyone can hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

bradamerry
05-06-2005, 03:22 PM
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

bradamerry
05-06-2005, 03:36 PM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

JEREMY79
05-07-2005, 11:09 AM
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.


Whats wrong with all that :confused:

bradamerry
05-07-2005, 11:10 AM
Whats wrong with all that :confused:
I didn't say anything was wrong with it :D .....

JEREMY79
05-07-2005, 11:15 AM
I'll do it this way
1. Yes he goes everywhere the truck goes. (choclolate lab)
2. No. Just have one hat. (that may be worse)
3. Many, Many times.
4. Throw away a few
5. Sh!t I cant remember my phone #
6. Used my sock too
7. Yes. And cows too
8. No. Have blacktop
9. She was a great dog.
10. Many times. Just wipe it off first.

bradamerry
05-07-2005, 01:59 PM
A Texas oil tycoon stormed into his lawyer's office and demanded that he immediately start divorce proceedings against his wife. He said, "I want to sue that adulterous b!tch for breach of contract."

The lawyer said, "I don't think you have a case. Your wife isn't a piece of property. You don't own her."

"Maybe your right," the tycoon said. "But I sure as he!! expected exclusive drilling rights!"

erkoehler
05-07-2005, 02:00 PM
LMAO! :D

:banana: :banana:

sizzler
05-12-2005, 03:44 AM
nice........

sizzler
05-12-2005, 03:47 AM
classic




Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.


The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability.

Stevie says to him from the stage

"OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

( scroll down)
















" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."



:D

Ron Grover
05-12-2005, 12:03 PM
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother".

pilot02
05-17-2005, 04:07 PM
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put your trays up that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

tex
05-17-2005, 04:11 PM
once upon a time there was this kid named eric who wanted to buy a boat...oh we are still waiting on the punch line!

Frank S.
05-17-2005, 10:34 PM
Anyone who has ever eaten an MRE will appreciate this.


I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked
me to, "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's (Meal, Ready-to-Eat.) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkle thingies from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkle thingies on it, it looks fancy right?) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, and added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" which sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes – 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.

She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said, "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???,” as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't s**t for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that it was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.

Frank S.
89 Tristar
Sanford, NC

MarkP
05-17-2005, 10:43 PM
Anyone who has ever eaten an MRE will appreciate this.


I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked
me to, "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's (Meal, Ready-to-Eat.) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkle thingies from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkle thingies on it, it looks fancy right?) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, and added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" which sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes – 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.

She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said, "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???,” as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't s**t for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that it was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.

Frank S.
89 Tristar
Sanford, NC
I guess I don’t have to ask if your gettin any :purplaugh

sizzler
05-18-2005, 02:35 AM
frank......that cheered me up on a quiet morning :purplaugh

sizzler
05-18-2005, 05:36 AM
bravest man in the world.......

the man who comes home drunk,covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,then slaps his wife on the a$$ and says..
"you're next fatty"

:dance:

Ron Grover
05-20-2005, 02:20 PM
A joke for the women of the group........


1000 women were surveyed in a poll.

85% of those women surveyed said that since getting married their a$$ has gotten bigger

10% of those women said that their a$$ has pretty much remained the same since getting married.

The remaining 5% said it didn't really matter they still loved him just the same.

jayocheskey
05-20-2005, 02:57 PM
I hope I'm one of those that has stayed the same.

pilot02
05-24-2005, 01:58 PM
Subject: chickens and pigs


A man and his buddies go out to their favorite bar for a night of heavy
> drinking. Around 3 AM, he staggers home with a chicken
> under his arm.
>
> When he gets to the front porch, his pissed-off wife is standing in the
> doorway with steam coming out of her ears.
>
> He says, "This is the pig I've been screwing."
>
> His wife yells back, "You drunken son of a *****! That's not a pig!
> That's a chicken!"
>
> He yells up at his wife "I'm talking to the chicken!"

bradamerry
05-24-2005, 04:23 PM
That's not right!!! :uglyhamme

Cary K.
05-24-2005, 10:30 PM
Roflmao !!!!!

bradamerry
06-07-2005, 08:24 AM
Trip to the Doc
> > >This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
> > >His wife said "Where are you going?" He said "I'm going to the doctor.
> > >" And she said "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me
> > >some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker
> > >and was putting on her sweater and he said "Where are you going?"
> > >She said "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said,
> > >"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to
> > >get a tetanus shot!"

MarkP
06-07-2005, 08:48 AM
Come on Brad, I don’t need to picture stuff like that

mgurley
06-20-2005, 09:51 AM
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did santa bring it to you?"

" Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

tex
06-22-2005, 04:06 PM
somebody post a short funny joke. I need to laugh!

bradamerry
06-22-2005, 04:32 PM
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

bradamerry
06-22-2005, 04:33 PM
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck, " says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

pilot02
06-29-2005, 02:33 PM
Mom & dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents were putting their amorous plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, mother and dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle, too."

pilot02
07-07-2005, 03:50 PM
So I'm walking down Peachtree Street headed to a Braves game last weekend, when I'm accosted by a dirty, shabby-looking "homeless man," who asks me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Wanting to set a good example for my son, I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "You're not going to buy beer with this, are you?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the bum said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" I asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well then," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife, Joanie."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

"That's okay." I said. " I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

bradamerry
07-15-2005, 04:18 PM
Gotta Love Them Louisiana Girls !!



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.



The first man married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house.

He said that took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes done and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Louisiana gal. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and meals cooked. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye !

pilot02
07-15-2005, 04:53 PM
"DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT'

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

sizzler
07-28-2005, 09:36 AM
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
> >of goat's milk.
> >
> >The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
> >through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
> >
> >"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
> >
> >"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
> >
> >"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
> >
> >"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
> >
> >"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
> >when he was born".
> >
> >"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
> >
> >"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ",
> >she whispers.
> >
> >"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> >started school".
> >
> >"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
> >
> >After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> >wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't
> >they?"
>
>

André
07-28-2005, 09:38 AM
LMAOROTF!!!
I love the Brits sense of humor!

BriEOD
07-28-2005, 09:43 AM
Lmao!! :d

sizzler
07-28-2005, 10:40 AM
A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a rse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"... :purplaugh

Ric
07-28-2005, 10:44 AM
A hippie hitchiker gets picked up by a trucker
after a while, he asks the trucker effeminitely, aren't you going to ask if I'm a man or I'm a woman?
Trucker :steering: "nope, I'm a gonna ____ you anyway!" :steering:

RickDV
07-28-2005, 12:02 PM
A fellow was walking down a country road and noticed as he passed one farm that the largest pig had a wooden leg. Finding this rather unusual he stopped to ask the farmer about it.

"Well that is a special pig" says the farmer. "He saved my family's life."

Curious, the fellow asked how a pig could save the family.

"A couple of months ago the house caught fire in the middle of the night. Our pig broke out of his pen and busted into the house and made so much noise we woke up and were able to escape the fire" the farmer explained.

"So did the pig lose a leg in the fire?" the man asked.

"No, nothing like that" says the farmer. "You see, when you have a pig that special, it's just not right to eat it all at once!"

Ron Grover
07-28-2005, 12:53 PM
Heart trouble Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent passing of her husband. She decided to join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol. She decided to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, become a vegetable, and become a burden to someone else, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Granite_33
07-28-2005, 02:42 PM
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
> >of goat's milk.
> >
> >The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
> >through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
> >
> >"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
> >
> >"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
> >
> >"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
> >
> >"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
> >
> >"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
> >when he was born".
> >
> >"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
> >
> >"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ",
> >she whispers.
> >
> >"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> >started school".
> >
> >"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
> >
> >After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> >wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't
> >they?"
>
>



A guy went in to buy an inflatable sex doll for his buddys upcoming bachelor party. The owner of the Adult toy store showed him 3 models.

The first inflatable model was a white woman. Realistic blond hair, supple breasts, very nice looking. It was $40.
The next inflatable model was a black woman. Big a$$, trim waist, light skinned. More attractive than the blond. Though it was a bit larger, still $40.
The last model was an inflatable muslim woman. It was short, and wore a burka, not attractive at all. It was $70.

The guy looks at the Muslim doll and says to the owner....that is one ugly doll.......No man in his right mind would buy that thing!!
Why is it more expensive that the other, more attractive dolls????

The owner replied........the first two dolls take a long time to inflate, and are difficult to fill. Just regular dolls.
The muslim dolls? They have a special feature.......they blow themselves up.

SDmc205
07-29-2005, 01:06 AM
Two men are sitting in a bar on the top of the Empire State building.

the first one says to the second "there is something really wild about this building. If you fall out the window you will fall two floors and be blown right back in."

The second says "no way, show me."

the first guy jumps out the window, falls about 40 feet and is blown right back in.

the second guy says, "do it again."

the first guy jumps out the window and is blown right back in.

The second guy says "I'm doing it", jumps out the window and falls 120 floors to his death.

The first guy sits down and the bartender says "Superman you're a real pr*ck when you're drunk."

SDmc205
07-29-2005, 01:11 AM
Two men are sitting in a bar.

The first says "I've been sitting here for the last hour and I can't help but think you're from Ireland."

The second says "I am from Ireland."

The first says "So am I, what a small effin world we live in."

The First says, "what part of Ireland are you from?"

The Second says, "I'm from Dublin."

"So am I, what a small effin world. What part of Dublin are you from?"

the second says, "I was raised on St. Francis street."

"I can't effin believe it, so was I," says the first, "where did you go to school?"

"St. Mary's class of '63."

No effin way, St. Mary's class of '63 meself, what a small effin world."

A third guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender how its going. The bartender replies, "It's going to be a long night............. the Murphy twins are drunk again."

SDmc205
07-29-2005, 01:15 AM
Paddy comes to New York from Ireland and his cousin talks him into going to a baseball game.

Paddy doesn't know what is going on but he watches the game for a bit to see if he can figure it out.

First he sees a guy in the middle of a field throw a ball at another guy who hits it with a stick and runs down a white line. Everyone in the stands yells "RUn, Run!"

A second guys swings his stick and hits the ball and he runs down the white line. Everyone yells "Run, run!" Paddy thinks this game is easy, I've got it down.

A third guy gets up with a stick in his hand. The guy in the middle throws the ball at him four times and the guy with the stick walks down the white line. Padddy jumps up and yells, "Run, run!"

his cousin says, "Ah, no Paddy the man doesn't have to run, he got four balls."


Paddy yells, "Walk with pride man, walk with pride!"

bradamerry
07-29-2005, 03:10 PM
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

bradamerry
07-29-2005, 03:16 PM
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

bradamerry
07-29-2005, 03:25 PM
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

bradamerry
07-29-2005, 03:31 PM
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

propstruk
07-29-2005, 03:41 PM
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

bradamerry
07-29-2005, 03:45 PM
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."

milkmania
07-29-2005, 05:07 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
correct, but how on earth did you know that?"






The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

JEREMY79
08-01-2005, 09:23 AM
These three older fellas were sitting on the square in a town.Talking about getting old.

The first on said: You see that sign down there, I couldnt walk to that without passing out.

The second said: Thats nothing if I was to walk down there I would have a heart attack.

The third said: Oh yeah, I cant even see the sign but I'm sure if I walked to it I would have a heart attack and pass out. But we all have that God that we can still drive!!!!

3event
08-01-2005, 02:22 PM
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Cary K.
08-01-2005, 02:35 PM
Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench enjoying a lovely afternoon. Out of nowhere a flasher comes up and bears all. The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. The third old lady's arms were too short.

pilot02
08-02-2005, 10:51 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh,
I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly,
Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of
terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle
says.....................

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard

bradamerry
08-09-2005, 01:38 PM
The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my god!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your .... equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod?"

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Lake_Tippy_Skier
08-09-2005, 02:33 PM
15 things to do in a Walmart store


15 Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them i! n peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them "Code 3 in Housewares" and see what they do.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

And, last, but not least!

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

jake
08-10-2005, 09:07 AM
Headline from the 'Onion'

"Special Olympics T-ball tee pitches perfect game".

sunward
08-11-2005, 09:12 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word, he made contact, Mary . . .. Mary . . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida."

jbfootin
08-11-2005, 09:13 AM
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

bradamerry
08-22-2005, 09:53 AM
:D
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
>> expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among
>> other things.
>> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
>> great cigars and without yet having made even his first
>> premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
>> against the insurance company.
>> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a
>> series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay,
>> citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
>> cigars in the normal fashion.
>> The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the
>> ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
>> claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
>> lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had
>> warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
>> that it would insure them against fire, without defining
>> what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
>> obligated to pay the claim.
>> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
>> insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
>> the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
>> "fires".
>> NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
>> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had
>> him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own
>> insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
>> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
>> burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
>> in jail and a $24,000 fine.
>> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
>> recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest

sizzler
08-24-2005, 05:24 AM
3 blokes sitting in a pub having a pint,an Englishman ,scots man and Irishman

english fella say’s “how’s this work out! My wife’s bought a new car for herself yesterday and she cant even drive “ “yeh I know exactly what you mean say’s the Scotsman, my wife has just gone on a diet and she isn’t even fat”, they are all the same, says the Irishman my wife has just gone to Ibiza for a week and she bought 20 condoms to take with her and she hasn’t even got a d1ck :banana:

sizzler
08-24-2005, 10:31 AM
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to
>
> Mike behind him,
>
> "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."
>
> "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"
>
> Mike replies.
>
> "There's a diagnostic computer at walmart. Just give it a urine
>sample and the
>
> computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot
> quicker
>
> and better than a doctor".
>
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> Asda.
>
> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for
>the urine
>
> sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds
>later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
>heavyactivity.
>
> It will improve in two weeks".
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>
> Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
>some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
>wife and daughter, and masterbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
> Jack hurried back to walmart, eager to check what would happen. He
>deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4.
>Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5.
>
> And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
>never
>get
>better...........thank you for shopping at walmart. :purplaugh
>

bradamerry
08-25-2005, 09:25 AM
Two prostitutes were riding around town
with a sign on top of their car which said:




"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different,"
the officer smiled . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

bradamerry
08-25-2005, 09:28 AM
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

shepherd
09-01-2005, 01:30 PM
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the
left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten
years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve,
unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened it
and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.
"'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

jamisonsbrodie
09-01-2005, 05:36 PM
Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating; and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary.

bradamerry
09-02-2005, 11:45 AM
Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

jamisonsbrodie
09-02-2005, 12:02 PM
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carring a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have the appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier steet that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

bradamerry
09-02-2005, 02:33 PM
:worthy: :worthy:

John B
09-06-2005, 12:15 PM
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the
next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated.

"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from
the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say, Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"*******S!" I yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car!

John B
09-06-2005, 12:19 PM
"How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

"Ten.

"1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

"2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

"3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

"4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

"5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

"6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';

"7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;

"8. One to viciously smear No. 7;

"9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

"10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country."

shepherd
09-06-2005, 12:38 PM
Nice to see you can play both sides of the political game :popcorn:

bradamerry
09-14-2005, 08:40 AM
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember
>> those
>> headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
>>
>> "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
>>
>> His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
>> in
>> front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache;
>> I
>> do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It
>> worked! The headaches are all gone."
>>
>> The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
>>
>> His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
>> the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
>> see
>> if he can do
>> anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
>>
>> Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
>> picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
>> bed
>> and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>>
>> He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
>> into
>> bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife
>> says,
>> "Boy, that was wonderful!"
>>
>> The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
>> the
>> bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
>> The
>> wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't
>> move,
>> I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
>>
>> This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
>> sees
>> him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my
>> wife. She's not my wife!
>>

bradamerry
09-14-2005, 08:42 AM
Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it
through the muffler

6ballsisall
09-14-2005, 09:14 AM
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the
next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated.

"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from
the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say, Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"*******S!" I yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car!


ROTFLMAO!!!

bfinley
09-14-2005, 11:06 PM
Gootness!

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry and emptied the wash tubs of water, scrubbed the floor, went to the garden and dug potatoes for supper. Then went downtown to get the mail at the post office.

"Gootness, it's hotter den hell today, she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed the tavern and thought,"Vell, vy not?" and walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know, it is hotter den hell out dere and I tink I'll have meself a cold beer." she answered.

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied "Vell, Tanks. I tink its yust fine, und how's yur viener?"

mgurley
09-15-2005, 09:30 AM
This may have already been posted didn't read far enough back to check. I got a big kick out of it, not sure if I would have passed!



The Test.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriendand I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful
younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.



Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."




And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

shepherd
09-15-2005, 01:48 PM
:D And how many of you would have told the future father-in-law "Thank you sir, but I've got to run upstairs to take care of something!"

bcampbe7
09-21-2005, 12:13 PM
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?




























I like cake...

jimmer2880
09-21-2005, 06:38 PM
Now that right there is funny stuff..... if you didn't think that was funny, just leave :D

SKI*MC
09-21-2005, 08:38 PM
LMFAO!!!!! That father-in-law joke was a good one!

sizzler
09-22-2005, 04:19 AM
who was the first person to sail single-handedly around the world?????
























captain hook!!!!! :D

Ron Grover
09-23-2005, 04:59 PM
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

RickDV
09-26-2005, 02:23 PM
Can cold water clean dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of <insert state of choice>. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

richardsoncd
09-27-2005, 02:55 PM
My girlfriend's father told me this when we all went out to eat without her mother...

-What is the difference between newlywed sex and sex between a couple married for 20 years?


-Newlywed's have "household sex", which is sex in the kitchen, sex in the garage, sex in laundry room......old married sex is "hallway sex", that is when you pass your wife in the hallway you tell her "screw you" and keep walking (the clean version).

captkidd
09-27-2005, 05:13 PM
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

bcampbe7
10-03-2005, 11:32 AM
A man comes home from an exhausting day at the factory, falls onto the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks across, but reluctantly fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

By this point his wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Sit there and Drink beer in front of that bloody TV! You're nothing but a good for nothing, lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

sizzler
10-07-2005, 06:16 AM
for all yall southern boys....


>Next time someone chokes on some food you'll know what to do!
>
>
>
>
>A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to
>cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it
>became apparent that she was in real distress, and two cowboys at the
>next table turned to look at her.
>
>"Kin yaw swaller?" asked one of the cowboys. The woman signalled 'No',
>desperately shaking her head.
>
>"Kin yaw breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit
>blue,
>shook her head "No."
>
>With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of
>her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and
>down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent
>spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
>breath again.
>
>The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took
>another drink of his Lone Star beer. His partner said in admiration,
>"Yaw know, I'd heard of that Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never
>seen nobody do it
>
:purplaugh

MarkP
10-07-2005, 08:27 AM
Nice, Sizzler!

bcampbe7
10-07-2005, 09:21 AM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was ! put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke or eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

mgurley
10-07-2005, 11:43 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped
a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they
kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

mgurley
10-07-2005, 11:46 AM
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> >
> > (because they are plugged into a genius)
> >
> > 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> >
> > (they don't have enough time)
> >
> > 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
> >
> > (they don't stop to ask directions)
> >
> > 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> >
> > (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
> >
> > 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> >
> > (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
> >
> > 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> >
> > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
> >
> > 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> >
> > (don't know.....it never happened)
> >
> > 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> >
> > (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

LakePirate
10-07-2005, 11:58 AM
The old Farmer brings home a New Young Rooster from town to help out with the hens. The Old Rooster, not wanting to give up any of his hens, approaches the Young Rooster and says "now boy I ain't going to agree to give up any of my hens, and you ain't going to agree to not have any hens, so here is what we are going to do. We are going to race around the farm house one time and the winner will get to rule the roost."

Well the Young Rooster thinks to himself, this Old Rooster can't keep up with me I am young and can run. So he agrees.

The Old Rooster continued "Now, with you being so young and spry I am going to need a head start."

The Young rooster thinks about it for a minute and says " Sure old man, I can catch you and beat you with no problem"

So the fairest of the hens drops her wing and the Old Rooster takes off, a few seconds later she drops her other wing and the Young rooster takes off. As they cross in front of the farm house the Old Rooster is leading by about 10 yards......


*Shot Gun Blast*

"Damn," the farmer screams at his dog laying on the porch, "that is the 4th gay rooster that I have brought home this week"

jimmer2880
10-07-2005, 03:20 PM
The old Farmer brings home a New Young Rooster from town to help out with the hens. The Old Rooster, not wanting to give up any of his hens, approaches the Young Rooster and says "now boy I ain't going to agree to give up any of my hens, and you ain't going to agree to not have any hens, so here is what we are going to do. We are going to race around the farm house one time and the winner will get to rule the roost."

Well the Young Rooster thinks to himself, this Old Rooster can't keep up with me I am young and can run. So he agrees.

The Old Rooster continued "Now, with you being so young and spry I am going to need a head start."

The Young rooster thinks about it for a minute and says " Sure old man, I can catch you and beat you with no problem"

So the fairest of the hens drops her wing and the Old Rooster takes off, a few seconds later she drops her other wing and the Young rooster takes off. As they cross in front of the farm house the Old Rooster is leading by about 10 yards......


*Shot Gun Blast*

"Damn," the farmer screams at his dog laying on the porch, "that is the 4th gay rooster that I have brought home this week"

That just aint right.....

ski_king
10-14-2005, 12:01 PM
A few days ago, at the local Chevy Dealership, a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there (http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg)." (Click on the word "there".)

shepherd
10-14-2005, 12:13 PM
Edit: Ok got it, thanks. :D Web site was down before...

_DiZZ_
10-14-2005, 12:17 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

:smile:

RickDV
10-14-2005, 05:16 PM
A salesman from New York is driving the back roads of Maine looking for a rural address. He finds a general store and stops to ask directions. The shop owner says

"Ayyupp. Go down the road a piece until you see an old red pickup truck and turn right."

Salesman says "What if the old red truck isn't there?"

"Ayyupp, I suppose you should turn right anyway."

Footin
10-18-2005, 03:29 PM
Subject: Anger Management Advice....a man after my heart!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
It
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I
decided to
call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!"
and
hung up.

I wrote his number down

with the word '*******' next to it, and put it
In my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always
cheered me
up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'
calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with
our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
car window, so I wrote down his

number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had
his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an *******."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my Speed dial, too. Now, when I
had
a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.
"Hello."
"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I

said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, *******," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw
the
two

*******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars,
a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!!!

jmyers
10-18-2005, 04:21 PM
:purplaugh :uglyhamme That was a good one!

SKI*MC
10-18-2005, 04:29 PM
LMFAO!!!! that is so funny!

pilot02
10-20-2005, 09:39 AM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.





Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"





The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.



The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"




The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"



At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

SKI*MC
10-24-2005, 10:18 PM
Hahaha!!!!

bradamerry
11-07-2005, 02:53 PM
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas
near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully
drew his bow and took careful aim.


Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral
procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat,


bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.


His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."


The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

bradamerry
11-07-2005, 03:09 PM
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

mark g
11-07-2005, 04:46 PM
Subject: Funeral Arrangements....



A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking
in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"




"Join the queue."

bradamerry
11-11-2005, 01:35 PM
..........................................

bradamerry
11-11-2005, 01:36 PM
.....................................

JLeuck64
11-11-2005, 02:12 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with one of those big wooden steering wheels they use to pilot the ship hanging out from his pants. The bartendar says "Excuse me sir, but did you know there is a steering wheel poking out from your pants?" The pirate says "AARRGH Matey, she's driving me nuts!"

LakePirate
11-11-2005, 02:51 PM
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

pilot02
11-18-2005, 11:11 AM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor

took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"



"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.



He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.



"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.



Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse
with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"



"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here
in the first place."

sizzler
11-23-2005, 06:23 AM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
>Dublin.
> >
> > She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit
> > as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What
> > man
>here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
> > But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand
> > down
>on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
> >
> > The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
> > turned
>to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
>same
>hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
> > and
>said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
> >
> > The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
> > "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
> > drink,
>but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
> >
> > The drunk replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
> > to
>be a ballerina!"
> >
> > Fw: OOOOPS
> >
> > Sorry, the first attempt got garbled up. Hope this come through
> > right.
> >
> > A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The
> > pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
> > final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us
> > today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
> >
> > He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
> > his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying
> > to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
> >
> > "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
> > take a big crap .. then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
> > big boobs out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
> > her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all
> > night long."
> >
> > Aghast and amused,everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
> > begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this
> > new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
> >
> > Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
> > plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
> > cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips
> > over an old lady's
>bag
> > and down she goes.
> >
> > The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
> > gotta take a crap first."

BriEOD
11-23-2005, 08:14 AM
That's sick Pete! :uglyhamme

Leroy
11-23-2005, 08:36 AM
Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa Ha Ha Ha! :uglyhamme

SKI*MC
11-23-2005, 08:11 PM
haha :purplaugh

sizzler
11-24-2005, 06:30 AM
>A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
>shaking it
>up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along
>and
>asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most
>powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
>The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
>If
>you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
>she'll
>pass a healthy baby."
>The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
>on a
>cat's *** and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
>

sizzler
11-24-2005, 07:26 AM
The Australian Way
>An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
>into
>a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
>notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
>other.
>
>At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his
>place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says
>no.
>He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and
>because she is short of funds she agrees.
>
>The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing
>her
>plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with
>him
>again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
>agree.
>
>This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
>Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some
>more
>attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again,
>so
>she goes over and sits next to him.
>
>She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
>
>"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
>
>"Glen Iris" he replies
>
>"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
>
>"Cameo Street" he replies
>
>"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
>
>He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
>
>"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents
>still
>
>live there!"
>
>"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
>
>HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN.
>
>
>
>

bradamerry
11-28-2005, 08:16 PM
I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six
months on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I
asked her what she expected to earn.

The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is
four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

The temp shook her head and replied, "With 'pleasure', it'll be $600
a week."

sizzler
11-29-2005, 06:20 AM
Think you might like this one !!!
>
>A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train

>stop and her son saying, "All of you b*****ds who want off, get the
>f**k
>off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting
>on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".
>
>The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
>of
>language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and staythere
>for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want

>you to use nice language."
>
>Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
>with
>his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
>passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
>your belongings with you.
>
>We thank you for travelling with u! s today and hope your trip was a
>pleasant one."
>
>She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
>ask

>you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
>is
>no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
>journey with us today."
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added ...
>
>
>"For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
>
>See the fat c*nt in the kitchen."

Utahfoiler
12-15-2005, 06:47 PM
If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are peolpe from Tampa called?

BriEOD
12-15-2005, 06:52 PM
If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are peolpe from Tampa called?
Floridians...not funny I'm from Tampa.

starman205
12-20-2005, 11:59 AM
Blonde's Geometry Test Answer

shepherd
01-03-2006, 08:32 AM
Irish laughter

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for 20 years, but
he will kill any man who does.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A bachelor.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?"

"It did, surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
life, and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
highlights of theirs?

shepherd
01-03-2006, 08:50 AM
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the "Amazing Claude"
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket
watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Sh!t!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

jbfootin
01-13-2006, 04:17 PM
The Rancher's Widow
> >
> >
> > A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
> >
> > She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
ranch,
> > but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
in
>the
> > newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One
> > was gay and the other a drunk.
> >
> > She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
> > she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
> > him around the house than the drunk.
> >
> > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
> > and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and
>the
> > ranch was doing very well.
> >
> > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
> > have done a really good job, a! nd the ranch looks great. You
should go
> > into
> > town and kick up your heels."
> >
> > The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
> > night.
> > One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and
no
> > hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room,
> > he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
> > of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
> >
> >
> > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> >
> > Trembling, he did as she directed.
> >
> >
> > "Now take off my boots."
> >
> > He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
> >
> >
> > "Now take off my socks."
> >
> > He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
> >
> >
> > "Now take off my skirt."
> >
> > He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.
> >
> >
> > "Now take off my bra."
> >
> > Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
> > it to the floor.
> >
> >
> > "Now," she said, "take! off my panties."
> >
> > By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
> >
> >
> > Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
> > into town again, you're fired."

shepherd
01-18-2006, 01:06 PM
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown


18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry


20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

jbfootin
01-27-2006, 10:40 AM
On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

:smile:

RexDog1
01-27-2006, 11:11 AM
On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

:smile:

That is so true, why is that? :huh:

jake
01-27-2006, 11:42 AM
My all time favorite joke...you've probably heard it, but it's worth repeating.


Man walks into a psychiatrist's office without any clothes on but wrapped head to toe in saran wrap.

Psychiatrist says.....


"I can clearly see you're nuts!"

milkmania
01-31-2006, 01:30 AM
Being Cautious
All In A Day's Work

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I also st-st-st-stutter?!!"

milkmania
01-31-2006, 01:37 AM
Old Folks Are Funny Too

An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
"Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

bcampbe7
02-02-2006, 09:27 AM
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?



If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila® However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.



*Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing Karaoke, and / or playing all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

JimN
02-02-2006, 10:22 AM
Bill, Tom and Gary went fishing in early spring, just after the ice thawed. A couple of hours after they started, Gary latched onto a monster and while he was fighting it, he was yanked into the water.


Bill saw him go in and yelled, "Tom- Gary got pulled into the lake!"


They looked all around the boat, but couldn't see him. Tom said, "I'll go get him since you don't swim". He comes up in about a minute with Gary and they drag him into the boat.


After a couple of minutes of CPR, Tom says, "I don't remember Gary having such bad breath"


Bill says, "I don't remember him wearing this snowmobile suit, either".

Danimal
02-02-2006, 11:01 AM
Why don't they have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day in Mexico...




It's too hard on the donkeys...

erkoehler
02-02-2006, 11:13 AM
Bill, Tom and Gary went fishing in early spring, just after the ice thawed. A couple of hours after they started, Gary latched onto a monster and while he was fighting it, he was yanked into the water.


Bill saw him go in and yelled, "Tom- Gary got pulled into the lake!"


They looked all around the boat, but couldn't see him. Tom said, "I'll go get him since you don't swim". He comes up in about a minute with Gary and they drag him into the boat.


After a couple of minutes of CPR, Tom says, "I don't remember Gary having such bad breath"





Bill says, "I don't remember him wearing this snowmobile suit, either".



:uglyhamme :uglyhamme

pilot02
02-03-2006, 11:04 AM
The Collard Greens

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly
collard
green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because .The
ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help
him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his
predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant
my
collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging
up
a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
Would
dig the plot for me.

Love Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Daddy Jankins,

Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.

Love Junbugg Jankins III


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old
man and
left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Daddy Jankins,


You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I
could
do under the circumstances.

Love Junebugg III

kipper88
02-03-2006, 11:16 AM
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver triedto avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to theowners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with hisclothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensivewine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling hapily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wifegave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I justkilled the old cow."

bradamerry
02-03-2006, 11:57 AM
Amen................. LET US PRAY. Lord I think you for this day etc, etc.

bradamerry
02-13-2006, 08:13 AM
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email
address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned
to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on
Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago,
there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an
email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter
in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the
email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister
who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and
saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send email
to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been
checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here!!

stevo137
02-13-2006, 08:23 AM
Brad, me and Mrs. are LOAO! Good one!

sizzler
02-14-2006, 10:01 AM
Tommy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother

asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Tommy. His mother tells

him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little

irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,

and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives

him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why

don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any

eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for

a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat who is

sprawled across the doorway. Tommy looks up at his mother with a smile,

and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

stevo137
02-14-2006, 10:02 AM
Good one Sizz! :D

jayocheskey
02-14-2006, 11:59 AM
Bill, Tom and Gary went fishing in early spring, just after the ice thawed. A couple of hours after they started, Gary latched onto a monster and while he was fighting it, he was yanked into the water.


Bill saw him go in and yelled, "Tom- Gary got pulled into the lake!"


They looked all around the boat, but couldn't see him. Tom said, "I'll go get him since you don't swim". He comes up in about a minute with Gary and they drag him into the boat.


After a couple of minutes of CPR, Tom says, "I don't remember Gary having such bad breath"


Bill says, "I don't remember him wearing this snowmobile suit, either".

Did you make this one up? It sounds sorta home-made.

jbfootin
02-14-2006, 12:03 PM
Did you make this one up? It sounds sorta home-made.
Do you know that Gullible is not in the dictionary! :rolleyes:

jayocheskey
02-14-2006, 12:38 PM
Do you know that Gullible is not in the dictionary! :rolleyes:
I was only trying to say the joke sucked without saying, "the joke sucked." You can take gullible and shove it up..... only kidding.

jbfootin
02-14-2006, 02:26 PM
You can take gullible and shove it up..... only kidding.
Keep reading jokes...your still a little cranky :o

shepherd
02-15-2006, 09:11 AM
http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/gullible

:rolleyes:

easy, fellers... :dance:

kipper88
02-16-2006, 12:40 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, now tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

bcampbe7
02-16-2006, 01:00 PM
An 80+ year old man in line at the grocery store told me this one.


After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled LOVE and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman
said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski
hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Czechoslovakia."

jayocheskey
02-16-2006, 02:07 PM
Keep reading jokes...your still a little cranky :o
Seems like some days, I stay that way... know what I mean?

jbfootin
02-16-2006, 03:23 PM
Seems like some days, I stay that way... know what I mean?
Yeah...I'm guilty of that some days too.

jbfootin
02-20-2006, 02:18 PM
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be.
POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

shepherd
03-01-2006, 04:20 PM
Bush and Pope

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves
them off, saying, "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out
to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe,
Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"

3event
03-02-2006, 01:48 PM
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

3event
03-03-2006, 05:16 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."

jbfootin
03-07-2006, 10:44 AM
I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"
The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.
" Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

bcampbe7
03-08-2006, 01:05 PM
The tale of the blond horse back rider.


A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its
slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the
blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw
herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the
stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great
fortune, Frank the Walmart greeter, sees her and
unplugs the horse.

jbfootin
03-10-2006, 09:15 AM
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you
want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

jbfootin
03-10-2006, 09:20 AM
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking
fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What
the hell do you think you`re doing? There`s a public toilet
20 yards from here!"

The man yells back, "What do you think I have, a hose?"

bcampbe7
03-10-2006, 12:16 PM
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had
ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one
greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him
and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here
again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he
would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same
ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I
thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be
for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.
He said He'd never been in this church "

bigmac
03-12-2006, 02:44 PM
:D
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
>> expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among
>> other things.
>> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
>> great cigars and without yet having made even his first
>> premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
>> against the insurance company.
>> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a
>> series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay,
>> citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
>> cigars in the normal fashion.
>> The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the
>> ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
>> claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
>> lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had
>> warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
>> that it would insure them against fire, without defining
>> what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
>> obligated to pay the claim.
>> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
>> insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
>> the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
>> "fires".
>> NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
>> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had
>> him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own
>> insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
>> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
>> burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
>> in jail and a $24,000 fine.
>> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
>> recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest



http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp



:)

bigmac
03-12-2006, 02:47 PM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he
shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the
hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster
and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy
Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very
sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, Good grief," said Ethel,
"Not the breathalyzer again!"

River Rat
03-13-2006, 02:38 PM
Brokeback epilogue
>
> A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
> The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

> "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a$$ is for."
>

jake
03-13-2006, 02:46 PM
River rat: do you really think that joke belongs here?

jbfootin
03-22-2006, 08:40 AM
After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife
Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who
the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.
Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so
much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to
my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light
later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg
popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg,
the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever
happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head
and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken
bastard! You're ****ting all over the bed."

Ron Grover
03-23-2006, 05:07 PM
Why is it called PMS?





Mad Cow Disease was already taken. :D

milkmania
04-07-2006, 09:59 AM
A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"