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TMCNo1
02-22-2009, 06:44 AM
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!

TMCNo1
02-22-2009, 04:42 PM
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle.



Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?' The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.'

SkiDog
02-23-2009, 01:43 PM
> Mexican words of the day
>
> 1. *Cheese*
> The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
>
> 2. *Mushroom*
> When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
>
> 3. *Shoulder*
> My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.
>
> 4. * Texas *
> My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
>
> 5. *Herpes*
> Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
>
> 6. *July*
> Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
>
> 7. *Rectum*
> I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
>
> 8. *Chicken*
> I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
>
> 9. *Wheelchair*
> We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
>
> 10 *Chicken* *wing*
> My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
>
> 11. *Harassment*
> My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.
>
> 12 *Bishop*
> My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
>
> 13. *Body wash*
> I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
>
> 14. *Budweiser*
> That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

SkiDog
02-23-2009, 01:52 PM
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so
I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but
I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

TMCNo1
02-23-2009, 06:32 PM
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many
trips. President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and
beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President
Bush went up to the man and said, " Has anyone told you that you
look like Moses?" The man didn't answer but continued to stare
straight ahead never acknowledging the President.

The President pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to
the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look
like Moses to you?" The agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the President, " every time I say his name he ignores
me and stares straight ahead refusing to speak......Watch." Again
the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, " You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, " Shhhh! Yes,
I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40
years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my
people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

chudson
02-24-2009, 12:37 PM
Ole & Lena were a truly devoted couple. Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and soon, people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits.


One day, while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said that money was no object, and she was willing to pay him $50,000.


Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.


In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

SkiDog
02-24-2009, 03:47 PM
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest
gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.

TMCNo1
02-24-2009, 06:27 PM
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

TMCNo1
02-24-2009, 06:30 PM
A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 you ask me one, and if I don't know the Answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a $5 Bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone;he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don 't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....

TMCNo1
02-24-2009, 10:28 PM
You might be Taliban if........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

TMCNo1
02-24-2009, 10:33 PM
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes. The next day the teenager came down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wanted to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate....The grandmother said to her, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display
my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening.

SkiDog
02-25-2009, 01:55 PM
Today be my baby girl 18th birthday. I be so glad dat dis be my last child support payment!

Month after month, year after year, all dose payments! So I call m y baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.

I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout dat?" She say to tell you dat "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!


Lawd a Mercy !!!!!!!!

SkiDog
02-25-2009, 01:55 PM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
After the husband checked into the hotel, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

RexDog1
02-25-2009, 04:56 PM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
After the husband checked into the hotel, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

LOL:D....................................

mad-dog1
02-25-2009, 10:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbeach http://www.mastercraft.com/teamtalk/mc2009/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.mastercraft.com/teamtalk/showthread.php?p=576933#post576933)
a story comes to mind. a young and old bull were standing on the hill looking down on a heard of cows when the young bull says let's run down there and make love to the pretty heffer looking up at us. at this point, the old wise bull says let's walk down there and make love to the whole heard. make of this what you will, but have a speedy recovery.

The above reminded me of this one....

A young bull and two old bulls were standing on top of a hill overlooking a herd of cows trying to figure out how to divide the herd equally among themselves, The Old bull that had been there the longest tells the others that he'll take 80 of the cows in the ranch and that was his share, The second bull decides that he will take 60 of them for himself, leaving the remaining 20 for the young bull to have....

As they're finalizing the deal they look over to the driveway and there's a trailer rocking and rolling, The driver lower the ramp and while kicking and slamming on the sidewalls here comes the biggest bull they've all have seeing in their lives...!!

The bulls regroup and the old one says " I Guess I can do away with 40 cows from my share..."

The second bull says: "Well I suppose it is only fair, so he can have 25 of my share..."

All the while the young one is kicking the ground in a cloud of dust, acting really tough, the old wise bull tells him to relax and consider sharing some of his cows to their new "guest"

to which the young one replied:
" Sh!t.... he can have all mine, I just have to make sure he knows I'm a bull too...!!!"

:cool:

shepherd
02-26-2009, 10:12 AM
We all know about Nadya Suleman, the welfare mom who had six kids, then had
artificial insemination and delivered octuplets. Did you hear that Denny's
is now offering a Grand Suleman Breakfast? It consists of 14 eggs and no
sausage ... and the guy next to you pays the bill.

TMCNo1
02-26-2009, 10:33 AM
We all know about Nadya Suleman, the welfare mom who had six kids, then had
artificial insemination and delivered octuplets. Did you hear that Denny's
is now offering a Grand Suleman Breakfast? It consists of 14 eggs and no
sausage ... and the guy next to you pays the bill.


Have ya seen where some porn movie producer wants her to star in a series of adult films? I guess they've run out of barnyard animals!:rolleyes:

Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman

Thursday, February 26, 2009 http://www.foxnews.com/images/foxnews_story.gif
By Hollie McKay
http://www.foxnews.com/images/512701/0_61_suleman1_320.jpg (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,500688,00.html#) AP Nadya Suleman speaks during an interview.


(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,500688,00.html#1)
Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Octomom (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,500688,00.html#1) |
(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,500688,00.html#4)
Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Octomom
You may want to take a shower after reading this.
Vivid Entertainment has offered Nadya "Octomom" Suleman $1 million to star in a pornographic video. Now Tarts has learned the disgusting details of what they want Octomom to do.
They want Suleman, who gave birth to octuplets in January, to have sex in eight different scenes with eight different men.
"The number eight is obviously heavily associated with her so we would like to work with that," Vivid’s CEO Stephen Hirsch told Tarts. "But we would really love just to sit down and talk with her and come up with something she feels comfortable with. We want her to be involved with the whole thing from the plot line to the packaging."
Hirsch says Suleman has received their offer and is considering it. Suleman did not return calls for comment.
"She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids," Hirsch said. "This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family."
However, the New York Post's Cindy Adams (http://www.nypost.com/seven/02262009/gossip/cindy/penniless_octomom_eyes_1_million_home_156928.htm) is reporting that Octomom has been looking at $1 million houses in the Los Angeles area.
So maybe - let's all pray - she doesn't need the money!

mrprostar
02-26-2009, 10:58 AM
A cop sits outside of a popular bar around closing time thinking he will catch a drunk driver. As the bar closes several people file out to their cars followed by one guy stubbling and yelling. He gets to the car and drops his keys. He bends down to pick them up and hits his head on the car. After trying to open the door several times he realizes that its not his car. He wonders around the lot for a while before finding his car. The cop follows him out of the parking lot and down the road. He is swerving around and driving eratically. The cop pulls him over and procedes to give him a field sobriety test. He passes every one without a hitch. The cop says to him, "what happened? You were acting very drunk leaving the bar." "Nothing happened officer, I'm just the designated decoy"

TMCNo1
03-01-2009, 04:10 PM
Two Women Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

shepherd
03-02-2009, 10:34 AM
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

454Prostar190
03-02-2009, 11:17 AM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .



All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."



The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.



And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.........

SkiDog
03-02-2009, 08:09 PM
THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

chudson
03-06-2009, 03:01 PM
How you get twins!!!
45147

SkiDog
03-09-2009, 03:21 PM
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,
California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after,
headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California archaeologists
have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the 'The Valdosta Daily Times', a local newspaper in
Georgia , reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Adel in Cook
County, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Georgia had already gone wireless.

mallees
03-10-2009, 01:09 AM
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,
And then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

TMCNo1
03-12-2009, 06:12 PM
New boots



An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a
hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

TMCNo1
03-12-2009, 06:13 PM
HILLBILLY BIRTH

Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .. . ..]


'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin'um?

TMCNo1
03-12-2009, 06:16 PM
Old Timers Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence ."

jbfootin
03-13-2009, 10:48 AM
OLD GUYS JUST DON'T CARE

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."!!
:rolleyes:

mlay
03-13-2009, 12:35 PM
On that note this is one of my fav's pulled off TT.

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

chudson
03-13-2009, 04:42 PM
The Honeymoons over for Sully, the media found out he is a Republican!
45342

2RLAKE
03-14-2009, 08:17 AM
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

2RLAKE
03-16-2009, 07:38 AM
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he
says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I'm off it for lent!

chudson
03-17-2009, 10:10 AM
On behalf of St. Patricks day............... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SMorJXe5l4

Jim@BAWS
03-17-2009, 12:49 PM
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or
trillion either.

RexDog1
03-17-2009, 01:34 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

chudson
03-18-2009, 03:18 PM
Seein the "Are we alone" thread reminded me of an old joke......................

These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it again “take me to your leader”. And the gas pump doesn’t respond again. Now the little martian is getting pretty mad and says again “take me to your leader” or I’ll zap you with my ray gun. So the gas pump doesn’t respond again, the little martian pulls out his ray gun and BZZZZZZZZZZZZ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. The two little martians come to about a block away one martian looks at the other and says “Harvey you should have known better, any guy that can take his peeker and wrap around himself two times and stick it in his ear has gotta be a mean S.O.B”.

SkiDog
03-18-2009, 05:03 PM
A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

TMCNo1
03-18-2009, 06:49 PM
The Right Answer
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old
for this' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and
said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a
reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Two years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day sir,' replied the trooper.

RexDog1
03-19-2009, 05:20 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!':rolleyes:

scott023
03-19-2009, 05:40 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!':rolleyes:

ROTFLMAO...

TMCNo1
03-19-2009, 06:14 PM
Subject: neighbors

Dear President Obama,
Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know, the ones who live down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV's, ATV's, RV's, a pool, three HDTV's, an X-Box, two Wave Runners, new flooring for their home, an enlarged patio, and a Harley. Also, I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?


Richard Ford,

Queen Creek , AZ

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

CC: 111th U. S. Congress
Capitol Hill
Washington, D.C.

TMCNo1
03-19-2009, 06:23 PM
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh............................
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
urse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had
ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been
bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then
fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able
to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I
a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem ? "

"It's swollen," Fred replied

The nurse started laughing again and hasn't worked since!

Leah
03-19-2009, 06:56 PM
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."



Oh that's never true! We just wait until we aren't in front of the patient!

TMCNo1
03-19-2009, 07:19 PM
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."



Oh that's never true! We just wait until we aren't in front of the patient!


I was hoping you would see that, cause you were the first to come to mind when I read it!
45439

jbfootin
03-20-2009, 09:16 AM
Two drunks stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an
idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and
find us some girls."

"Not me," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can
handle at home."

"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more
drink and go up to your place!":D

TMCNo1
03-20-2009, 08:41 PM
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

stuartmcnair
03-23-2009, 11:06 AM
US Treasury Department
Good day to you, I am Timothy Geithner, Secretary of the United States
National Treasury. President Barack Obama nominated me to be the 75th
Secretary of the Treasury on January 20, 2009.The United States Senate
unanimously confirmed me to the position on January 26, 2009 and I was sworn
into office on January 26, 2009 by Supreme Court Chief Justice John
Roberts.As Treasury Secretary, I am the President's leading policy advisor
on a broad range of domestic and international economic issues.

Before coming to Treasury, I was 9th president of the Federal Reserve Bank
of New York. In that role i also serves as Vice Chairman of the Federal Open
Market Committee (FOMC).After completing my studies, I worked for Kissinger
and Associates in Washington, D.C., for three years and then joined the
International Affairs division of the U.S. Treasury Department in 1988.and i
went on to serve as an attache at the US Embassy in Tokyo.I was deputy
assistant secretary for international monetary and financial policy (1995–
1996), senior deputy assistant secretary for international affairs (1996-
1997), assistant secretary for international affairs (1997–1998. And i was
Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs (1998–2001) under
Treasury Secretaries Robert Rubin and Lawrence Summers.

The United Nations has given me an Instruction also with the World Bank to
wire a sum of $1m into your Bank Account in a Legal way that is why I have
contacted you the United States Department of Justice, The Attorney Peter
Keisler will get some documents for you so that this Transaction can be
completed without delay.
the following documents needed are as follows.

1: United Nations Stop Order Document
2: World Bank Clearance Certificate
3: President's Approval Letter
4: Proof of Ownership Certificate.

These four documents are needed before I can proceed with the transfer into
your bank account in the meantime; I want you to confirm the following
details to me.

Legal First and Last Name
:Complete Residential Address & Age
Direct Telephone No & Fax
Legal Occupation and Position
Address of Occupation

Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can be done as soon as
possible, the President of the United States ( President Barack Obama)
visited Nashville yesterday so I wasn’t able to get his Approval Certificate
from his office. so try and reach me back via my Personal Email and Note
that you can reach me faster via my personal email.

Thanks and God Bless you




Mr.Timothy Geithner.
Executive Secretary United States Treasury Department
Main Treasury 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20220

You may send U.S. mail toUS Treasury Department.
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 20220 Office
Fax: (202) 622-6415

shepherd
03-23-2009, 11:40 AM
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.''

The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.''

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.''

This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?''

''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied.

''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?''

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

chudson
03-23-2009, 05:02 PM
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big Breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Monte
03-25-2009, 08:51 AM
Harold will appreciate this..

THINGS I LEARNED IN NORTH CAROLINA ..

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.



2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NC .



3) There are 10,000 types of spiders , and all 10,000 of them live in NC .



4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.



5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.



6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.


7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"



8) People actually grow and eat okra.


9) "Fixinto" is one word.



10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...


11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.



12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin ' about you."



13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat ?"



14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.



15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.



16) You measure distance in minutes.


17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.



18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.



19) You know what a "Dawg" is.



20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.



21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.


22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.



23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday..



24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."


25) You know all four seasons : Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas .



26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."



27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.



28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.


29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed... If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.


30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your NC friends and those who just wish they were from North Carolina !!!!!

JohnE
03-25-2009, 09:04 AM
I'm glad I'm not from North Carolina. I wish I were in North Carolina.8p

TMCNo1
03-25-2009, 09:21 AM
31) Everyone knows how much you drive, by the amount of chewing tobacco juice on the side of the truck!

31) The flat possum is usually Sunday dinner when the preacher is visiting.

32) You mow the yard every 3 weeks, whether it needs it or not.

34) You vacation in Mexico by spending at least 3 hours a day for a week @ Walmart.

35) Drunk driving in NC is not a addiction, it's a profession.

36) Friday nights are only for filling up the truck with gas, eatin' seafood and making music.

37) The only roads without potholes are in the neighborhoods of the local politicians.

38) Grandpa always gives you a quarter for the collection plate at church.

39) Very few breast implants are performed in NC, that's why we have so many people who sell socks.

40) Spending the night at your cousins is called a Bed and Breakfast.

and the list goes on and on.

shepherd
03-25-2009, 12:01 PM
IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

2RLAKE
03-25-2009, 09:16 PM
Obama's plan for the NFL

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of
their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama's plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well." Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama's plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL's less successful teams.

Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."
"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. That's over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can't seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league."

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler's division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a
smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler's two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to
their loosing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream.

Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in
the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for "Hope and
Change."

SkiDog
03-30-2009, 01:59 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________

SkiDog
03-30-2009, 01:59 PM
CHAZ







GOLF and PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.

scott023
03-30-2009, 11:29 PM
CHAZ







GOLF and PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.

Saw hat one coming... still laughed my butt off. :D

Delete1
03-30-2009, 11:54 PM
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a Bar. The Leprechaun says, I'm in the wrong f....ing joke.
Sorry, one of my customers told it to me, I thought it was hilarious.

TMCNo1
03-31-2009, 07:26 PM
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bil l, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and
'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

SkiDog
03-31-2009, 10:15 PM
It seems that a great opportunity has been missed.

When all of the African American people were at the

inauguration and the parades, we should have

broken into their homes and gotten our sh!t back!

SkiDog
03-31-2009, 10:16 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________

thatsmrmastercraft
04-01-2009, 02:00 AM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________

SkiDog..........you must really like this one to have put it in three times in the last two pages. It kind of hits home for me!

SkiDog
04-01-2009, 08:37 AM
SkiDog..........you must really like this one to have put it in three times in the last two pages. It kind of hits home for me!

Sorry, I was just deleting E-mails and thought I better C&P these before I ditch em.

TMCNo1
04-01-2009, 09:17 AM
Sorry, I was just deleting E-mails and thought I better C&P these before I ditch em.

MD, Mind Dysfunction starts showing up right before ED, Erectile Dysfunction!http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_19_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSfox000)

thatsmrmastercraft
04-01-2009, 09:23 AM
Sorry, I was just deleting E-mails and thought I better C&P these before I ditch em.

Jeeeeez, don't apologize - just agree with No1.

trickskier
04-01-2009, 09:27 AM
Three Cajuns, One Ticket

One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one
ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana. All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a restroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, it was so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one
ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into one restroom and the three Cajuns crammed into another one just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their restroom and walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding. The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won that war.

trickskier
04-01-2009, 09:35 AM
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued… “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

jdl xstar
04-01-2009, 09:45 AM
The Pope was in Mexico touring the country and spreading the word of Catholicism. During the long drive to his next destination he gets bored and taps on the glass separator and tells the driver to pull over. When the driver asks why, the Pope replies that he is tired of being a passenger and since the car is called the Pope-mobil, and he is the Pope, he should be able to drive the car as much as likes. So knowing he can’t deny the Pope’s wishes, the driver pulls over and hands the Pope the keys.

The Pope is really enjoying the handle of the car and starts to get a little heavy on the throttle. Before too long he looks into the rear mirror and sees flashing lights and gets pulled over by the policia for speeding. The officer walks up to the driver’s side and signals to role down the window and when he does the officer gasps and immediately radios his chief.

The officer says, “Chief, I’m really worried I made a BIG mistake and pulled over someone I shouldn’t have!”
Chief says, “Oh no, did you pull over the mayor?”
“No, higher!”
Chief asks, “Oh please don’t tell me you pulled over the governor. You didn't pull him over did you?”
“No, higher!”
Nervously, the Chief asks, “You telling me you pulled over el presidente!?”
“No, higher!” yells the officer.
“Then who in the world did you pull over?!”
“I think I just pulled over God!”
“Now what in the world makes you think you pulled over God?”
“Because the Pope is the driver”

jdl xstar
04-01-2009, 09:47 AM
Three Cajuns, One Ticket


Ha! Thats a good one! :purplaugh

SkiDog
04-01-2009, 01:45 PM
6 truths of life!

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.




2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.



3. And discover that The First Truth is a lie..





4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.




5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.




6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this . . .
I'm an idiot, and I needed company.

starman205
04-01-2009, 02:27 PM
You got me!!! :D

TMCNo1
04-01-2009, 03:32 PM
Skidog, you got me too and...........:D
45686

TMCNo1
04-03-2009, 02:32 PM
Nagging

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his
wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately,
his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it
just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,but always
shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

TMCNo1
04-03-2009, 10:01 PM
http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f22695%5fAMzJjkQAAIBpSda60Qez9TCvg SM&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Taking Good Care of Yourself!

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."



"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"



"Thirty-four," she replied.

TMCNo1
04-04-2009, 08:42 AM
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,

one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by

wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.


Here's how it all went:


My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black

leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,

'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night

long.



The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing

the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex

all night.



Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the

door and saw me he said: "What's for dinner, Batman?"

TMCNo1
04-05-2009, 09:19 AM
I can relate,

Killer Chili


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee and some bran flakes nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made m e do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing... When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal azzplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my azz is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa-----!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls... The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Management claims they're going to have to repaint the store...

scott023
04-05-2009, 10:04 AM
I can relate,

Killer Chili


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee and some bran flakes nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made m e do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing... When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal azzplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my azz is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa-----!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls... The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Management claims they're going to have to repaint the store...

OMG, ROTFLMFAO. :D:D:D

Ron Grover
04-05-2009, 10:47 PM
I'm sure I must have had some of that chili once.

Sitting in my office, door closed and working on a report all morning. Just kinda squeezing off those little warning shots. You know you've done it too. Been in there all morning and being quiet and all of a sudden my assistant bursts through the door. I thought she was going to need CPR. Her eyes fixed in their sockets, nose wrinkled up so far it became a part of her forehead. I swear there were hairs on the floor that simply fell out of her head.


Let's hear your real life experiences too. And I KNOW everyone of you have curled the nosehairs of someone in a funny way.

scott023
04-06-2009, 09:45 AM
I'm sure I must have had some of that chili once.

Sitting in my office, door closed and working on a report all morning. Just kinda squeezing off those little warning shots. You know you've done it too. Been in there all morning and being quiet and all of a sudden my assistant bursts through the door. I thought she was going to need CPR. Her eyes fixed in their sockets, nose wrinkled up so far it became a part of her forehead. I swear there were hairs on the floor that simply fell out of her head.


Let's hear your real life experiences too. And I KNOW everyone of you have curled the nosehairs of someone in a funny way.

can't say this has ever happened to me. :o

I should poll some of my customers (I own a grocery store), as I can tell you there would be some great stories. I don't know how many time I have walked into said aisle and thought there was something dead hidden behind product on the shelves, only to look up to an empty aisle. :D

mlay
04-06-2009, 11:54 AM
priceless :)

M-Funf
04-06-2009, 12:04 PM
I'm sure I must have had some of that chili once.

Sitting in my office, door closed and working on a report all morning. Just kinda squeezing off those little warning shots. You know you've done it too. Been in there all morning and being quiet and all of a sudden my assistant bursts through the door. I thought she was going to need CPR. Her eyes fixed in their sockets, nose wrinkled up so far it became a part of her forehead. I swear there were hairs on the floor that simply fell out of her head.


Let's hear your real life experiences too. And I KNOW everyone of you have curled the nosehairs of someone in a funny way.

I like to share the joy...cropdusting the cubicles is a daily event for me...:D It's great when they don't know it's coming...just walk in, fire a couple across the bow and walk out...

TMCNo1
04-06-2009, 01:00 PM
I'm sure I must have had some of that chili once.

Sitting in my office, door closed and working on a report all morning. Just kinda squeezing off those little warning shots. You know you've done it too. Been in there all morning and being quiet and all of a sudden my assistant bursts through the door. I thought she was going to need CPR. Her eyes fixed in their sockets, nose wrinkled up so far it became a part of her forehead. I swear there were hairs on the floor that simply fell out of her head.


Let's hear your real life experiences too. And I KNOW everyone of you have curled the nosehairs of someone in a funny way.
Being a Colorectal Cancer survivor, having had surgery, Chemo, Radiation and being left with little or no bowel control, I could write a book of experiences, but...........................I won't!:rolleyes:

SkiDog
04-06-2009, 04:19 PM
LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees
will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our
prices would have to increase by about 10%.



Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of
the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here
and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six
Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these
folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

jbfootin
04-06-2009, 04:58 PM
I'm sure I must have had some of that chili once.

Sitting in my office, door closed and working on a report all morning. Just kinda squeezing off those little warning shots. You know you've done it too. Been in there all morning and being quiet and all of a sudden my assistant bursts through the door. I thought she was going to need CPR. Her eyes fixed in their sockets, nose wrinkled up so far it became a part of her forehead. I swear there were hairs on the floor that simply fell out of her head.


Let's hear your real life experiences too. And I KNOW everyone of you have curled the nosehairs of someone in a funny way.

Few years back I made a big batch of bean soup, which we ate with the in laws. My brother-in-law had a very painfull job interview the next day. He called me that night to tell me that he thought he was either going to explode or crap his pants. Made it pretty hard to think straght!:D

TMCNo1
04-06-2009, 08:56 PM
We've all talked to this guy....


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green and I pink it up and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

ProStar190Fan
04-07-2009, 08:16 AM
We've all talked to this guy....


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green and I pink it up and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

I think Mujibar works for the company that makes my cable box...though i'm not really sure, it could have been his borther. :D

Tom

SkiDog
04-07-2009, 09:45 AM
Colored Panties There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a planeacross the ocean. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunnawear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.' Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm outdare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresantorange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' downand I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear anypanties...' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. 'Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,' thethird lady said, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look forda black box first.

scott023
04-07-2009, 10:02 AM
Colored Panties There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a planeacross the ocean. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunnawear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.' Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm outdare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresantorange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' downand I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear anypanties...' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. 'Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,' thethird lady said, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look forda black box first.

Sh!t......:D

wakeX2wake
04-07-2009, 10:21 AM
just after slavery was abolished in the US two former slave women wanted to commemorate their new found freedom by having their picture made... so the went to a photographer's studio and made their request... the photographer sat them down and had them posed when he began ducking in and out from behind the black curtain of the camera and making adjustments to the front and then going back behind... one of the women looked at the other and said "wachu tink he doin back dere?"... the other lady said "i tink he tryin to foc-us"... the first lady w/ a bewildered look on her face said "bof-us?"

trickskier
04-07-2009, 02:51 PM
Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




Men's Love Poem


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don't care. :D

trickskier
04-07-2009, 03:06 PM
When to Start Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'

TMCNo1
04-07-2009, 09:59 PM
"The Old Golfer"


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

bbymgr
04-08-2009, 01:05 AM
Gun Control


Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!"

rholmes
04-09-2009, 12:23 PM
Where do baby planes come from???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to

Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) Turned to

his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats Have

baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who Couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big

dogs Have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes

have baby Planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell You to ask me?' The boy

said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell Your mother that there are no baby planes

because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother explain that to you.

chudson
04-10-2009, 02:19 PM
Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
It is worth reflecting on the anniversary of the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully on April 11, 1996 at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And that’s was when the trouble
started.

SkiDog
04-11-2009, 01:48 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

shepherd
04-13-2009, 09:01 AM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone. The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME...

I SAID .....

"BRING POSSE"

SkiDog
04-13-2009, 04:10 PM
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed the telephone pole & hooked up his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS


________________________________________

TMCNo1
04-13-2009, 06:32 PM
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to
see what's up.
The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand
and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you alright? You've been in here for a
while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone "doody" yet."
His mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But,
Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "Works for Ketchup!"

TMCNo1
04-14-2009, 04:46 PM
.

Another better late than never........

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

(http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f27508%5fAMzJjkQAAUuMSeTd9glIumuD7 xc&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1)

shepherd
04-15-2009, 09:10 AM
In Homestead Florida, a fire destroyed a fourplex.


A Puerto Rican family of six car thieves lived on the first floor, and

all six died in the fire.


A Mexican group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the Country,

lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the Fire.


Six Black ex-cons drug dealers lived on the 3rd floor and they too,

died.


One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire.


Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew Into Miami and

quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, They loudly

demanded to know why the Blacks, the Mexicans and the Puerto Ricans all

died in the fire and only the white couple lived.



The fire chief quietly replied, "BECAUSE THEY WERE AT WORK."

RexDog1
04-16-2009, 04:58 PM
My 6 year old told me this one…………………. 8p

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin..... ..... ..... .... .... .... .... .... ..... ....and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them.:rolleyes:




:D

RexDog1
04-16-2009, 05:19 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
:D

mallees
04-16-2009, 06:01 PM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

TMCNo1
04-16-2009, 06:12 PM
THE BLONDE COWBOY



The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down
The road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor
Home with her. So I did.


'We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt,
So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants,
So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
Shorts, so I did.


' Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
To town cowboy.


And here I am.


Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

TMCNo1
04-16-2009, 06:12 PM
Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart (http://www.walmart.com/). Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener . (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

TMCNo1
04-18-2009, 08:50 AM
Bike Ride -


A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley .....YOU RIDE IT!"

TMCNo1
04-20-2009, 03:22 PM
It's awful to get old!

OLD people have problems that you may not have even considered yet !

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

"The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor ?"

The old man replied, "Yep, None of us could get the jar open."

RexDog1
04-20-2009, 03:37 PM
Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart (http://www.walmart.com/). Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener . (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart


LOL funny :D

That’s what is wrong with my elbow :confused:

RexDog1
04-24-2009, 09:45 AM
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks:
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of
an 18 year-old."

The husband replies:

"What did he say about your 55-year old a$$?"

"Your name never came up," she replied :(

TMCNo1
04-25-2009, 08:43 AM
Audio only, nevermind, can't load.

TMCNo1
04-26-2009, 02:21 PM
PRICELESS!
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love This!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a
Shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
Replied, 'I make $400 a week.. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and
Screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT
And don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
Around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me
What did that goof-ball do here anyway? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery
Guy from Domino's.'

The CEO hasn't asked for another plant tour since!

jbfootin
04-27-2009, 12:15 PM
Why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

kdr
04-28-2009, 02:06 PM
Obama and his Teleprompter

3event
04-28-2009, 04:27 PM
C'mon now, don't you know this teleprompter stuff is serious???

The Teleprompter of the United States (TOTUS) has its own blog:

http://baracksteleprompter.blogspot.com/

jbfootin
04-29-2009, 05:38 PM
An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter
for the local paper. During the interview the reporter
noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages
playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 20 served
the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied
with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful
young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be
more than 20 or 21 years old!"

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105
and she being only 20," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night.
Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning
six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it
only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six
of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights
'em!":rolleyes:

stuie
04-29-2009, 05:38 PM
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

woftam
04-30-2009, 05:25 PM
The season is over for all but the die hards, so here are a couple of old snowboarder jokes.

Q: How does a snowboarder greet a skier?
A: Whoa, sorry dude.

Q: What's the difference between a snowboarder and an upright vacum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag.

mallees
04-30-2009, 06:28 PM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

TMCNo1
04-30-2009, 09:48 PM
Actual call center conversation!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.

TMCNo1
05-02-2009, 09:05 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." Pausing to wipe away a tear, she continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Tomsinamerica
05-02-2009, 10:36 PM
The season is over for all but the die hards, so here are a couple of old snowboarder jokes.

Q: How does a snowboarder greet a skier?
A: Whoa, sorry dude.

Q: What's the difference between a snowboarder and an upright vacum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag.

Q: What's the difference between a learner snowboarder and his instructor?
A: About 3 weeks...

trickskier
05-07-2009, 03:53 PM
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a FSU Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

jbfootin
05-08-2009, 08:54 AM
A woman took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girlfriends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"

Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Craig
05-08-2009, 09:03 AM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t.'

RexDog1
05-11-2009, 03:32 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'


'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.'
'You'll really love my place.'
'The grass is almost a foot high' :rolleyes:

SkiDog
05-11-2009, 05:08 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'


'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.'
'You'll really love my place.'
'The grass is almost a foot high' :rolleyes:

I'll get some good mileage outa this one in the morning at breakfast!

Bilge Water
05-13-2009, 02:11 PM
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.



She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."



"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family
name?"



"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It
represents the things that I enjoy the most--cars and men.. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen.' So, what's your name?"



He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

woftam
05-13-2009, 02:43 PM
Q: What's the difference between a learner snowboarder and his instructor?
A: About 3 weeks...

Q: What do you call a snowboarder who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Give a man a snowboard and keep him distracted for a day.
Teach a man to snowboard and you can't get him to work....

jbfootin
05-14-2009, 09:09 AM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old
babe dressed in nothing but panties and a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without
a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl
shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life. She is wearing nothing but panties and Reebok running
shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me
you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a
shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine
happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,
he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the rep-
resentative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens
it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing
but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, your a$$ is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

#47of100TeamMC
05-14-2009, 10:03 AM
A guy just gets off the plane to meet his friend in Pittsburgh for a weekend of golf and boating on his Mastercraft...;). As they drive away from the airport, He says to his friend... "Man, I really screwed up this morning When I got to the ticket counter to check-in for my flight, The girl at the counter had HUGE boobs, What I meant to say was, I have a round trip ticket to Pittsburgh, I actually said, I have a Picket to Tittsburgh." His buddy says, "Oh that's a freudian slip. Don't even worry about it. Happens all the time! For instance, this morning when I had breakfast with my wife, What I meant to say was, Could you please pass the Cheerios...But what I actually said was...You F#%ing B!tc# you ruined my life!"

trickskier
05-18-2009, 10:48 AM
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde (from Ohio ) said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde (from Indiana ) said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde (from Kentucky ) said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.

captain planet
05-18-2009, 11:53 AM
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde (from Ohio ) said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde (from Indiana ) said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde (from Kentucky ) said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.

Yawn..............

SkiDog
05-18-2009, 12:00 PM
Yawn..............

You gots one any better?:confused:

trickskier
05-18-2009, 12:05 PM
Yawn..............

I suppose you're tired from working on your wife's Suburban all weekend......................:D

47535

captain planet
05-18-2009, 01:23 PM
I suppose you're tired from working on your wife's Suburban all weekend......................:D

47535

Har, har. That one is even funnier! :rolleyes:

Brakes work, compressor next I have some cornhole boards to work on this week.

Here is one a 91 year old WWII veteran told me this weekend at the greenhouse:

"What did the buffalo say to his kid when he was leaving for school one morning?"






Bison.


Not mine, however from a 91 year old with a sense of humor was worth passing along. ;)

I'll let you know when I get my wife's Suburban back in tip top condition. ;)

trickskier
05-18-2009, 04:38 PM
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition?

The doctor glared at him and shouted, You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you
went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!

For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever! The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?'

trickskier
05-18-2009, 06:17 PM
Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's a$$. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."

TMCNo1
05-21-2009, 04:32 PM
I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors
http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10259%5fAMjJjkQAAL6jShW0CA4AMFqhk bE&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&stationery=1
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.









The new wine will be marketed as

http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10259%5fAMjJjkQAAL6jShW0CA4AMFqhk bE&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&stationery=1PINO MORE

http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10259%5fAMjJjkQAAL6jShW0CA4AMFqhk bE&pid=4&fid=Inbox&inline=1&stationery=1
http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10259%5fAMjJjkQAAL6jShW0CA4AMFqhk bE&pid=5&fid=Inbox&inline=1&stationery=1

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

TMCNo1
05-23-2009, 12:54 PM
THE OLDER CROWD


A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

*********************************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~










Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

TMCNo1
05-24-2009, 09:12 PM
Grandma is eighty-eight years old,

http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/ltr/i_safe.gif

and still drives her own car.


She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed:
"For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love,
Grandma

TMCNo1
05-31-2009, 08:47 PM
Snow White, Superman & Pinocchio


Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/ltr/i_safe.gif said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/ltr/i_safe.gif answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/ltr/i_safe.gif
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

bcampbe7
06-02-2009, 04:20 PM
A Woman was out working in her garden one day when she hears a little voice crying for help in the far corner of her yard. She follows the noise and discovers a frog with its leg tangled in some vines and it can't get free.

The frog said to her, 'If you cut me loose, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,

'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-

she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. '

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.






























The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Monte
06-04-2009, 02:00 PM
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis… Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

SkiDog
06-08-2009, 06:01 PM
Baptist bra

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked "What kind of bra?"

He repeated " A Baptist bra. -- She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

SkiDog
06-08-2009, 08:24 PM
> > Subject: Golf Story
> >
> > Geno was teeing off from the men's tee. On his
> > downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing
> > it up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
> > Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her
> > directly in the
> > head, killing her instantly.
> > A few days later, Geno got a call from the coroner
> > regarding her autopsy.
> >
> > Coroner: "Geno your wife seemed to have died from blunt
> > force trauma to the head. You said your golf ball hit
> > her in the head, is that correct?"
> > Geno: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
> > Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in
> > her rectum."
> > Geno: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
> > Coroner: "Yes, it was."
> > Geno: "That was my mulligan."

SkiDog
06-08-2009, 08:33 PM
> > A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'!

mallees
06-09-2009, 07:46 PM
Rules of bedroom golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole..

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4.. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game, is to take as many strokes as necessary, until the owner is satisfied, play is complete. Failure to do so, may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed, if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play, when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate, if they discover someone else is playing, what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission, before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

jbfootin
06-10-2009, 11:55 AM
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River.":D

2RLAKE
06-11-2009, 09:45 PM
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.


The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.


Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

2RLAKE
06-11-2009, 09:47 PM
Three New Navy Ships

USS REAGAN

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4..5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
1. Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
2.. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
3... Carries over 80 combat aircraft
4. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1.. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2.. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3.. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4.. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5.. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6.. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1.. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3.. 18,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5.. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6.. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

2RLAKE
06-11-2009, 09:53 PM
USS BILL CLINTON

The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC .
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.

It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .

2RLAKE
06-11-2009, 09:55 PM
USS BARACK OBAMA

dont ask

TMCNo1
06-16-2009, 01:11 PM
Just funny.


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promise land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels , sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.

Footin
06-16-2009, 07:17 PM
Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

coz
06-16-2009, 07:35 PM
http://servantleadershipblog.com/servant-leadership/blog/uploaded_images/emma-762958.jpg

A touching story :D

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear... Both of them are Daddy Long legs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that sh!t in Arizona!.....she said.

jbfootin
06-18-2009, 09:14 AM
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend,
"According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent
of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent
of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do
you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so.";)

TMCNo1
06-18-2009, 10:40 PM
Jose and Carlos are both beggars.. They beg in different parts of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

Jose says, "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico ......"

TMCNo1
06-19-2009, 12:08 PM
I knew it !!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

TMCNo1
06-21-2009, 10:21 AM
Best comeback line ever,

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.

ProStar190Fan
06-21-2009, 02:46 PM
Best comeback line ever,

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.


please post the audio is you have it. :D:D:D

Tom

TMCNo1
06-21-2009, 03:18 PM
please post the audio is you have it. :D:D:D

Tom

This came to me in a email with just a picture of the General, but funny nonetheless. He makes a valid point, true or not!

SOCALX45
06-24-2009, 06:08 AM
Bill Cosby has a great way of distilling things. Looks like he's done it again!


I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens..

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.


(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There are no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes


GOD BLESS AMERICA


Bill Cosby

SOCALX45
06-24-2009, 06:10 AM
For all of you who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally ...
'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

SOCALX45
06-24-2009, 06:16 AM
The One (1) Question Test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, < /STRONG>some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options:

You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.

===============================================

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

agua4fun
06-24-2009, 07:46 AM
This came to me in a email with just a picture of the General, but funny nonetheless. He makes a valid point, true or not!

It is funny, but it appears that it didnt happen at all. (if you believe one internet source over another) Or at least it wasnt the general, seeing how it came from an email many years ago.

http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

TMCNo1
06-24-2009, 09:07 AM
It is funny, but it appears that it didnt happen at all. (if you believe one internet source over another) Or at least it wasnt the general, seeing how it came from an email many years ago.

http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

I believe everything I read on the internet, just ask Goreski!!

chudson
06-24-2009, 12:12 PM
These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance
evaluations:

disclaimer: this may or may not be ACTUAL supervisor quotes but I'm not takin the time to "snope" it so feel free..........


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

funk
06-24-2009, 06:35 PM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'

thwack
06-24-2009, 08:46 PM
A man went to play golf at the local country club one morning by himself. He asked if he could play with a twosome in front of him. The twosome said, "Sure, as long as you don't slow us down." The man told them that he was a 4 handicap and that he would not slow them down. At the end of the day, impressed with the man's golf game, the twosome asked if the man wanted to play with them again the next day. The man said, "Sure, but I may be 15 minutes late." The twosome said that that would be fine. The next morning the man was on time to play golf. On the first tee-box, the twosome noticed that the man was playing left handed. They asked him, "Were you not playing right handed yesterday?" The man said, "Yes I was, but sometimes I switch it up....just depends." The twosome asked him what makes him decide which hand to play with. The man said, "It's simple. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." The twosome then asked, "What happens it you wake up and she's sleeping on her back?" The man said, "I'll be 15 minutes late."

TMCNo1
06-24-2009, 09:27 PM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again? '

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

chudson
07-06-2009, 11:32 AM
Senior's Biker Bar
49031

TMCNo1
07-06-2009, 11:47 AM
Senior's Biker Bar
49031

Skidog, Trickskier and Chief out on the town!

trickskier
07-06-2009, 12:31 PM
Skidog, Trickskier and Chief out on the town!

Caught us................8p

SkiDog
07-06-2009, 01:12 PM
Skidog, Trickskier and Chief out on the town!

:uglyhamme:uglyhamme:uglyhamme

mallees
07-07-2009, 07:43 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.



The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are

you?"



"Eight," the boy replied.



The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"



The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for

him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use

these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he

can't do either."

chudson
07-08-2009, 10:15 AM
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.

It's just Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

TMCNo1
07-08-2009, 12:15 PM
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?
California became a state.

In 1850:
. The State had no electricity.
. The State had no money.
. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was pretty much just like it is today; except the
women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

TMCNo1
07-11-2009, 01:25 PM
One Hungry Bush

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the president about women's rights and then storms away, Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced quiche."

SkiDog
07-16-2009, 04:14 PM
CHAZ





Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess.. The Irish kid suggests that
they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."


Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess.. The Irish kid suggests that
they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

trickskier
07-16-2009, 04:54 PM
CHAZ





Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess.. The Irish kid suggests that
they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."


Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess.. The Irish kid suggests that
they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

In the habit of repeating yourself when you type??? :confused::rolleyes:8p

mallees
07-25-2009, 06:46 AM
The Tunnel
Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.


The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

mallees
07-25-2009, 06:48 AM
Drink Driving
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

SkiDog
07-26-2009, 10:06 AM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage,

would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask

if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because

I asked for Polish sausage?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

TMCNo1
07-27-2009, 10:32 AM
In a Seattle, Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple
the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the
floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural
born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by
C-section?"

Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the
United States . These are our future leaders!

TMCNo1
07-27-2009, 10:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: WARNING FROM PAKISTAN



This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq and al qaeda continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off Americas supply of many convenience store managers and possibly Motel 6 managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer service reps. And finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States!

It's gonna get ugly folks ! ! !

SkiDog
07-28-2009, 03:09 PM
The 11th Husband !!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

" Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him !!.
.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?

"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

jbfootin
07-30-2009, 12:01 PM
Bubba was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies, Bubba left to go back home to his wife.

When Bubba's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Bubba - sitting in front of his Fatboy, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Bubba?" "I didn't have to", was Bubba's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom", tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So ta-da, here I am !

mallees
08-02-2009, 10:16 PM
Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate..

AND

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"F#ck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c0cksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f#cking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

TMCNo1
08-02-2009, 10:53 PM
New Health Plan From Obama


TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN.

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

bbymgr
08-03-2009, 10:52 PM
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-Pod.

shepherd
08-04-2009, 03:58 PM
*
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
*
*
*
*
*
*
A crazy b!tch who will find you
*

2RLAKE
08-04-2009, 09:56 PM
Jesus & the Democrab

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon
and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Republican looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she
give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back.
He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the
waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a
Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there honey! How's about getting' me a cold mug of Miller Light?"

He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands,
praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

Hollywood
08-05-2009, 10:37 AM
cash rewards

TMCNo1
08-05-2009, 07:06 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

mallees
08-06-2009, 01:43 AM
A gynaecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equalled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

TMCNo1
08-11-2009, 03:05 PM
I just love it when you can't tell where a joke is going . . . .

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally
ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world
outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out
to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them "I am a magical frog and since you are the first
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes.

You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound
there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a
lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a
magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the
world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, and said,
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

Jimmauburn
08-11-2009, 03:25 PM
This guy visits the doctors and says: "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife: "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

rholmes
08-12-2009, 04:55 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ...

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me'?

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET'?

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS'!!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied.....'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert........'Shoulda bought a hat..'

TMCNo1
08-15-2009, 12:56 PM
LOOKING FOR WORK

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it
in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of
ILLINOIS , put him in the White House for THREE MONTHS, and now half
the WORLD is looking for work.

TMCNo1
08-15-2009, 12:58 PM
WHY!!



WHY IS IT......IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......BUT IF YOU CROSS THE US BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?
WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS??????
(Americans must be stupid)

TMCNo1
08-20-2009, 08:18 PM
The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f13807%5fAMzJjkQAAO%2fVSo3jVQtFW0G 4f1c&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink enve lope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '!

TMCNo1
08-24-2009, 11:17 AM
Subject: Gynecologist assistant

A man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more;

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Billings , MT. That's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line for the applicants is right now.

TMCNo1
08-25-2009, 05:29 PM
Yesterday, I needed to go to the emergency room.Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service..
50934.
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat - but don't try it at Taco Bell ; the whole crew will exit and you'll neve r get your order!

mlay
08-25-2009, 06:34 PM
Funny. My Dad has a Department of Homeland Security shirt and to see some of the looks he gets in some of the places he goes. Funny thing is its netted him quite a few free beers also :D

TMCNo1
08-25-2009, 09:05 PM
Home improvement projects,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mnPinUvBuM

SkiDog
08-26-2009, 10:36 AM
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, drive a Yugo, and I voted for Obama."

TMCNo1
08-26-2009, 03:11 PM
Cocktail Conversation

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an
attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.

Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?"

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Jimmauburn
08-26-2009, 04:04 PM
One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: "Gimme a beer."


The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: "Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?"


The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer."

funk
08-26-2009, 04:20 PM
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he Noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and Asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man Had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', Etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a Different tact He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked And asked what he would have? "A Martini please.."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started Discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a Stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, ....................
"A-r-e? Y-o-u-r?? P-e-o-p-l-e??? H-a-p-p-y? W-I-t-h? O-B-A-M-A?????

M-Funf
08-26-2009, 07:09 PM
:cool:

51006

TMCNo1
08-27-2009, 08:13 AM
First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates



Now, something for the rest of us...

51015
Use Caution...it may irritate your arse!

SOCALX45
08-30-2009, 06:41 AM
An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

TMCNo1
08-31-2009, 12:47 PM
Logic


Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

TMCNo1
08-31-2009, 12:48 PM
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.




The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.




He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'




To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'




And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'




He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'



So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.




He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'




The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'




Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'




The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'




The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent..



Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!'

TMCNo1
09-01-2009, 08:58 PM
An oldie but a goodie....

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
.
.'Bastards won't let me fart.'

2RLAKE
09-01-2009, 09:41 PM
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse. “I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she s aid.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

TMCNo1
09-01-2009, 09:52 PM
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse. “I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she s aid.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”


Is Jesse also known as Prostar19???????????? Sounds just like him!:rolleyes::D

TMCNo1
09-10-2009, 08:32 AM
THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.



HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."


MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"


BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

TMCNo1
09-10-2009, 08:34 AM
Boycotting In Texas

An Interesting Event in Victoria , Texas . Victoria , Texas (pop. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston .



Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.



Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards.

TMCNo1
09-11-2009, 09:34 AM
Texas cowboys are tough!





A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS , COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,

THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,



AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

TMCNo1
09-11-2009, 09:38 AM
Squirrel Relocator, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33KFnR400Ks

Double D
09-11-2009, 09:46 AM
Forget it.

SOCALX45
09-12-2009, 02:58 AM
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIA
C MONSTER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.



Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.





CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.



Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.



Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.



Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.



Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.



Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.



Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb..
woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating ! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,



adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.



Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me



needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning
my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming . Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.



Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic . Superb.



Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.



Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili , which slid unnoticed out o
f my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself . Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



Judge # 3 - No Report

Footin
09-15-2009, 09:43 PM
WALMART INTERVIEW
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack
of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat
around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third
man, who was contemplating his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

TMCNo1
09-15-2009, 11:43 PM
Virgin Airlines had to change their name, someone got screwed buying a ticket!:rolleyes:

2RLAKE
09-16-2009, 07:08 AM
Subject: Cash For Clunkers: The report Is In

> A vehicle that gets 15 mpg and does 12,000 miles per year, uses 800
> gallons of gasoline. (Government definition of a Clunker)

> A vehicle that gets 25 mpg at 12,000 miles per year, uses 480 gallons a
> year.

> So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by
> 320 gallons per year.

> About 700,000 vehicles were part of the Government's program, saving 224
> million gallons per year.

> That equates to just over 5 million barrels of oil.

> 5 million barrels of oil is about Ľ of one day of US consumption.

> 5 million barrels of oil costs about $350 million dollars at $70/bbl.

> So we all contributed, through our taxes, over $3 billion... to save $350
> million.

> They'll probably do a great job with Health Care though!

stuartmcnair
09-16-2009, 10:16 AM
Kanye just interrupted the Swayze funeral to remind them Michael Jackson had the greatest funeral of all time.

TMCNo1
09-16-2009, 12:25 PM
MURDER AT WAL-MART...


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor .......

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....




(You're going to hate me for this ... )




'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

TMCNo1
09-16-2009, 12:29 PM
Dear President Obama :


I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.



We're planning to simply walk across the border from the US into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.



I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.



So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?



Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:



1. Free medical care for my entire family.



2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.



4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.



6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.



7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.



8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.



9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.



10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.



11. I plan to fly the US flag from my house top, put US flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.



12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.



13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.



14. I want to receive free food stamps.



15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.



16.. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.




17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.




18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.




I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.



Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

TMCNo1
09-17-2009, 09:51 PM
I tell ya, that ice cream man is gonna kill us all!


Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

TMCNo1
09-21-2009, 01:34 PM
Education 101


I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow, what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

SkiDog
09-21-2009, 01:55 PM
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box and shuts the door.

Oddly perplexed he notices on one wall is a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars..

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that this confessional box is much more inviting than they ever used to be."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side”

jbfootin
09-22-2009, 08:46 AM
"Parents' groups are complaining that TV broadcasts of
baseball games are filled with ads for erectile dysfunction
drugs. In other words, things are so turned around these
days that now we delay baseball by thinking about sex."
-Conan O'Brien:rolleyes:

bbymgr
09-24-2009, 11:47 PM
SLOW DAY IN TEXAS



It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.


The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

TMCNo1
09-28-2009, 04:23 PM
Blonde in the Bayou


A young blond female Florida Gator fan was driving through Southern Louisiana while on
Vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the Worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a
pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand..

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and
hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its
back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"HELL! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

SOCALX45
09-28-2009, 08:31 PM
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?''Four months vacation and five good leads.'

SkiDog
09-30-2009, 11:31 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the balls.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your unit. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Manchester Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye".

trickskier
09-30-2009, 03:22 PM
HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say 'I love you too..' When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

2RLAKE
09-30-2009, 10:19 PM
Speaking German in TX

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a larger German speaking community, a farmer was walking down the country road and notices a stranger drinking from his pond using his hand

The farmer shouted "trink das wass nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin geheissen."

Which means .. dont drink the water teh cows have crapped in it

The stranger replied "I'm from NY. I'm down here campaining for President Obama's heathcare. I can't understand you. Please speak in English

The farmer replied "use two hands, you'll get more!"

M-Funf
10-01-2009, 11:47 AM
MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started, and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error. She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.


























52274

TMCNo1
10-02-2009, 05:14 PM
It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that we haven't even considered yet!
An 85 year old man was requested by
his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample.'
The next day the old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as
the day it was given to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the old man explained:
'Well doc, it's like this--first I tried with
my right hand, and nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, and still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, and
still nothing.'
'She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then her teeth out, and still
nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with her
hands, then her armpits, and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees,
and still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open!

get_sum
10-03-2009, 10:07 AM
A desperate and divorced woman placed an ad in the personals.
The ad stated, "Wanted a nice man who will not hit me, leave me, and who is great in bed." She was so desperate, she listed her address for potentials to come by.

One day late in the afternoon, her doorbell rang. She went to the door, and saw a double amputee with no arms or legs. She asked why he was "the one" for her. He said, "I have no arms, so I can't hit you." "I have no legs, so I can't leave you."

A long pause, then the lady asked, "Well, what about the last part?" The man in the wheel chair said with a HUGE grin on his face, "How did you think I rang the doorbell?"

TMCNo1
10-04-2009, 09:46 AM
Tickle Me Elmo:

http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f774%5fAMzJjkQAAYO8Ssh70wykoSGiyio&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f774%5fAMzJjkQAAYO8Ssh70wykoSGiyio&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f774%5fAMzJjkQAAYO8Ssh70wykoSGiyio&pid=4&fid=Inbox&inline=1

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. http://f337.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f774%5fAMzJjkQAAYO8Ssh70wykoSGiyio&pid=5&fid=Inbox&inline=1

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles.

mallees
10-04-2009, 08:10 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome
than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on
and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife,
and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I
just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I
possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all
the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

bbymgr
10-09-2009, 08:49 AM
I thought this was the appropriate thread for this announcement.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_nobel_peace

Double D
10-09-2009, 08:52 AM
Darn, you beat me to the punch (line) by 5 seconds!! :( Good joke! Is it April Fools Day today? :confused:

I thought this was the appropriate thread for this announcement.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_nobel_peace

harddock
10-10-2009, 12:28 PM
a blonde brings her dress to the cleaners. The Asian lady hand her a claim chech and says, you come again, to which the blonde responds, Actually it is tooth paste this time you nosey btch.

coz
10-10-2009, 12:52 PM
I saw an old Indian standing outside the store in Parker, watching the tourists come and go. An attractive blonde walked by in a tube top and he said: "Chance Then a buxom brunette walked by in a mini-skirt. He said to her: "Chance After a ...few more times doing this, curiosity got the best of me and I walked over and asked him: "I thought you Indians said "HOW." The old Indian replied: Me know HOW. Just want CHANCE.


3 witches are in the shower naked when a ghost appears....flashes his big wang and says " HOCUS POCUS" the witches say.....forget hocus.....just pocus!!!