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shepherd
02-07-2007, 06:48 PM
I'm bored. So here's another totally useless thread. :rolleyes:

Post your favorite Chuck Norris - isms here if you're bored too.
(google search "chuck norris jokes" to find some)

Here's some:

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

JKTX21
02-07-2007, 06:52 PM
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Danimal
02-07-2007, 07:16 PM
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

shepherd
02-07-2007, 07:36 PM
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Zach S
02-08-2007, 09:29 AM
Chuck Norris once punched a man in his soul.

sanjuan23
02-08-2007, 09:40 AM
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. It's realizing that Chuck Norris had not killed you in your sleep.

sanjuan23
02-08-2007, 09:41 AM
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

shepherd
02-08-2007, 10:18 AM
On February 2, 1989, Punxsutawney Phil heard that Chuck Norris was in town, so he stayed in his hole out of fear. Spring never came.

sberry3827
02-08-2007, 10:31 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, Wet gets Chuck Norris

shepherd
02-08-2007, 11:03 AM
Chuck Norris never has to eat. Chuck Norris is already filled up with Chuck Norris.

shepherd
02-08-2007, 11:09 AM
In 1991, Iraq's Republican guard was set to invade Turkey... until they found out that Chuck Norris was in the country filming Delta Force III. They invaded Kuwait instead.

LakePirate
02-08-2007, 06:49 PM
Chuck Norris invented the internet, he needed some place to store his porn.

Imagine the hottest girl you have ever seen, Chuck Norris had sex with her.

The Energy created by one CNRHK (Chuck Norris Round-House Kick) is enough to power australia for 21 minutes.

shepherd
02-08-2007, 11:35 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't have a guest bathroom in his house because visitors are already scared sh**less by the time they arrive.

shepherd
02-10-2007, 11:57 PM
Hurricane Katrina was originally on a direct path to Texas, but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it and sent it careening toward New Orleans instead.

shepherd
02-10-2007, 11:59 PM
Texas is the Lone Star state because... well, if you got Chuck Norris you need no other "stars."

Maristar210
02-11-2007, 12:08 AM
I am pissed ever since I learned he was banging Christie Brinkley...

I still love that women!!!!!!!!!!!

kingu
07-09-2008, 05:02 PM
Thread resurrection...


Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

shepherd
07-09-2008, 06:39 PM
Chuck Norris still pays $1.99 9/10 per gallon of gas. Hey, who would argue with him?

BriEOD
07-09-2008, 06:41 PM
Chuck Norris was part of King Arthur's Court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

BriEOD
07-09-2008, 06:42 PM
Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

BriEOD
07-09-2008, 06:44 PM
Scientists measured the energy output of one of Chuck Norris' kicks and determined it was enough to power the entire country of China for three years.

FHMan1905
07-09-2008, 07:45 PM
Chuck Norris lost both legs in a car accident...but he walked it off

kingu
07-09-2008, 09:01 PM
Chuck Norris can eat only one Lays potato chip.

kingu
07-09-2008, 09:02 PM
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands...they are now simply called "The Islands."

damaged442
07-09-2008, 11:38 PM
I still love "There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist!"

Mag_Red
07-09-2008, 11:40 PM
These are funnier than heck.......but where did these come from????? Chuck Norris is that big a joke????

BriEOD
07-09-2008, 11:53 PM
Bob,

Not sure where it started. But, there are a few websites with 100s of them. I used to get a daily intel report and the last slide was the "Daily Chuck."

JimN
07-10-2008, 12:24 AM
Mag- at some point, Chuck will make you sorry that you called him a joke, but you'll never see it coming.

Mag_Red
07-10-2008, 12:47 AM
Mag- at some point, Chuck will make you sorry that you called him a joke, but you'll never see it coming.:uglyhamme Good one Jim!

damaged442
07-10-2008, 09:43 AM
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

damaged442
07-10-2008, 09:47 AM
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

kingu
07-10-2008, 10:35 AM
Go to google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" then click the "I'm feeling Lucky" button and see what happens.

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 10:41 AM
Go to google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" then click the "I'm feeling Lucky" button and see what happens.

hahahahahaha

shepherd
07-10-2008, 11:01 AM
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 11:03 AM
chuck norris does not need oxygen to survive... oxygen needs chuck norris to survive

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 11:11 AM
chuck norris is suing myspace.com because they named their website after what he calls everything around you

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 11:18 AM
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


i LOVE this thread... i know act my age not my shoe size but if you don't laugh at some of these you need to go back to bed

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 11:47 AM
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

sham'sbabymama
07-10-2008, 12:18 PM
This is hilarious!!!!

Keep em coming!!! :D

damaged442
07-10-2008, 12:26 PM
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 12:31 PM
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Chuck Norris does not know about this thread. If he did he would just delete the internet.

damaged442
07-10-2008, 12:45 PM
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

damaged442
07-10-2008, 12:48 PM
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

als2104
07-10-2008, 01:05 PM
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

JimN
07-10-2008, 01:49 PM
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Aric'sX15
07-10-2008, 01:51 PM
I dont know if this has been posted yet, but oh well.

When Chuck Norris looses his virginity, he steals someone else's.

JimN
07-10-2008, 02:00 PM
There is no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once tried to use Occam's Razor. The universe imploded, but Norris' beard was untouched.

Once, a NASCAR engine builder used Chuck Norris' chest hairs instead of titanium valve lifter springs. His car won, of course.

When Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, he saw Chuck Norris sitting in a LA-Z Boy on the other side.

Chuck Norris was crossing the road one day and invented the short bus.

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 02:03 PM
know what kind of toliet paper chuck norris uses?... that's right... none b/c he doesn't take crap off anyone... himself included

kingu
07-10-2008, 02:22 PM
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck Norris.

wakeX2wake
07-10-2008, 03:51 PM
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris makes onions tear up.

kingu
07-10-2008, 05:01 PM
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars...that's why there are no signs of life there.

O2BESOHUGE
07-10-2008, 05:10 PM
Chuck Norris Doesnt Do Push-ups...he Pushes The World Down :d

shepherd
01-09-2012, 11:59 AM
What hand beats a royal flush???? Chuck Norris's hand.

scott023
01-09-2012, 12:00 PM
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

ProStar200
01-09-2012, 03:42 PM
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch someone in the back of the face.

Kids check under their bed for the Boogeyman, the Boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

ahhudgins
02-11-2012, 11:58 PM
I had completely forgot about this thread until I saw this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZDoNbD6i8E&feature=related

CantRepeat
02-12-2012, 12:01 AM
I had completely forgot about this thread until I saw this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZDoNbD6i8E&feature=related

You completely forgot about a 2007 thread that you had never posted in until now?

How is that? ;)

ahhudgins
02-12-2012, 12:34 AM
You completely forgot about a 2007 thread that you had never posted in until now?

How is that? ;)

I had read the thread a long time ago and never posted in it....just like many other threads.
Didn’t mean to cause any confusion. :D