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Mag_Red
12-22-2004, 11:47 AM
Two men are driving through Kentucky when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The

driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with

the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

You're in Kentucky Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you
>better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here." The
trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy
his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on
the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that *** hole would've tried that

schit with me!"
:purplaugh

MarkP
12-22-2004, 11:56 AM
LMAO, sounds like you been in Kentucky:uglyhamme

BriEOD
12-22-2004, 12:10 PM
Good one! :uglyhamme

rem_p
12-22-2004, 01:12 PM
thats a good one...i was down at the local store the other morning getting breakfast before i went to work...all the regular guys were sitting there shootin the sh!t....the one guy said hey i got a joke for yall.

one day a man called home from work and said to his wife "honey, i just won the lottery, get to packing." his wife asked " well should i pack for warm weather, or cold weather?" the husband then said " I dont give a sh!t what you pack for long as your a$$ is gone by the time i get there!" :dance:

MarkP
12-22-2004, 01:15 PM
Thats not right. :rant: Good, but not right. Funny, but not right:uglyhamme

ktn_cmu
12-22-2004, 03:03 PM
one day a man called home from work and said to his wife "honey, i just won the lottery, get to packing." his wife asked " well should i pack for warm weather, or cold weather?" the husband then said " I dont give a sh!t what you pack for long as your a$$ is gone by the time i get there!" :dance:

Unfortunately he was a day late and a dollar short...

Now its theirs (read hers in legal terms), she'll get it all in the end anyway...

Farmer Ted
12-22-2004, 11:14 PM
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got
a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

BriEOD
12-23-2004, 07:55 AM
That is to funny!! :purplaugh

gene dobies
12-23-2004, 08:40 AM
That is a good one Farmer Ted. But the one about the Lottery,,, bad taste.

MarkP
12-23-2004, 09:50 AM
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!!!:eek: !!

LMBFIAO:uglyhamme !! Shoot The Dog!!:uglyhamme !!

You slay me man

jimmer2880
12-29-2004, 06:32 AM
Good one!:D

Lake_Tippy_Skier
01-18-2005, 10:20 AM
A guy goes to interview for a Government job. The interviewer asks him, "Are
you a veteran?"

"The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I do. During a battle an explosion removed my
testicles, so they declared me 100% disabled; though, it doesn't actually
affect my ability to work."

"Sorry about your injury, but I have good news for you. I can hire you right
now! We work 8:00 to 4:00, but you can come in around 10:00."

"If your hours are 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10.00?"

"Well, these Are government jobs... so we just sit around and scratch our
balls for the first two hours... no point of you having to come in for
that."

bradamerry
01-18-2005, 10:46 AM
Nice, good one.

bcampbe7
01-18-2005, 12:03 PM
Keeping with the Government employee theme:

Press Release

Re: Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

For immediate Release

The U.S. Department of Transportation has announced that over 50,000 road workers are scheduled to lose their jobs by the end of the year.

News from the Commerce Department indicates that the technology has been improved once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members, thus saving the taxpayers millions of dollars.

It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.

Ric
01-18-2005, 12:11 PM
Keeping with the Government employee theme:

Press Release

Re: Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

For immediate Release

The U.S. Department of Transportation has announced that over 50,000 road workers are scheduled to lose their jobs by the end of the year.

News from the Commerce Department indicates that the technology has been improved once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members, thus saving the taxpayers millions of dollars.

It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.
the surplus created by this may work out in doug's favor!

Ron Grover
01-18-2005, 12:26 PM
A man walks into a bar with a monkey sitting on his shoulder. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. He is drinking and monkey jumps down runs around the bar and goes over to the pool table, picks up the cue ball puts it in his mouth and swallows it.

The bartender/owner can't believe his eyes. He starts raising cane about that monkey swallowing his cue ball and now nobody can play pool and they won't drink and that is a disaster.

The guy that owns the monkey tells him to calm down in a couple days he will return his cue ball and everything will be back to normal.

Sure enough in a couple days the guy walks back into the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and a cue ball in his hands.

The bar owner is still raising cane about how much business he has lost and how problem want to play pool but he had no cue ball.

The guy feels sorry for the owner so he offers to buy everyone a couple on the house and he is sitting there drinking too. The monkey looks down and sees a bowl of peanuts on the bar. The monkeys picks up a peanut looks at it and shoves it up his own butt. Pulls it back out and pops it in his mouth. The bar owner is shocked. The monkey does the same thing with another peanut.

The bar owner exclaims just what in the world is that crazy monkey doing now.

The monkey's owner explains since that cue ball the monkey hasn't eaten anything until he checks for fit.

sizzler
01-19-2005, 09:20 AM
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had s*x with? ..... Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from? .....
Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?.....
It isn't hard.

What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ..... His last name.

What's the down side to a 3-some? .....
You're likely disappoint two women instead of just one!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you know you're really ugly? .....
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why are hurricanes named after women? .....
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

:D

captkidd
01-19-2005, 02:28 PM
Pig joke for ya:

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the
grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're
not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them
off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He
called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the
pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

sizzler
02-01-2005, 05:06 AM
don't know if this travels...but here goes

A TEACHER ASKS HER CLASS TO USE THE WORD "Contagious" in a sentence.
>
> >Roland the class swot,Gets up and says "Last year i got the measles
>
> >and my mum says it was Contagious." "Well done."says the teacher,
>
> >"Anyone else?" Little Katie stands up,says "my Grannie says there is
> >a
>
> >bug going round, and its very Contagious." "Well done Katie." says
> >the
>
> >teacher, "Anyone else?" Sean, a little Irish boy stands up, says "Our
>
> >next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, my
>
> >dad says "it'll take the Contagious."

Mag_Red
02-01-2005, 05:54 AM
Hey Sizzler...............maybe it's because I've just gotten up.........but I'm a commercial painting contractor here in the States.........and I don't get it :confused:

sizzler
02-01-2005, 06:02 AM
mag....."it will take the c##t ages to paint a whole house with a 2" brush"

morning mate!!!!

heres another

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
> work. Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
>
> Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
> closet. The boy now has company.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here"
>
> Man: "Yes it is"
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball"
>
> Man: "That's nice"
>
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>
> Man: "No thanks"
>
> Boy: "My dad's outside"
>
> Man: "OK, how much?"
>
> Boy: "$250
>
> In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mum's lover are
> in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here"
>
> Man: "Yes it is"
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
>
> Man: "How much?"
>
> Boy: "$750"
>
> Man: "Fine"
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
> go outside and toss the baseball."
>
> The boy says "I can't I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you
> sell them for?" The son says "$1000" the father says "That's terrible
> to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two
> things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have you confess."
>
> They go to the church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
> little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy
> says "Dark in here." The priest says "Don't start that sh1t again"

jimmer2880
02-01-2005, 06:51 AM
.... The boy says "Dark in here." The priest says "Don't start that sh1t again"....

that's just not right....

Funny - but just isn't right.

Leroy
02-01-2005, 08:37 AM
Great jokes Sizzler! I also needed an explaination.

Kind of like the taxi ride in Edinburgh, great jokes but I only understood about half! ;)

rem_p
02-01-2005, 10:53 PM
heard this one on TV tonite and got a kick out of it.....


"WHY DO CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR ON THEIR HEAD?"........

"TO COVER UP THEIR PECKER!" :purplaugh

alright

sfitzgerald351
02-01-2005, 11:39 PM
Speaking of funny, have you guys heard of Rodney Carrington? I just came across him from a card someone sent to me from www.funny-pictures.com (watch out, pretty explicit, but very funny site). Kinda like Jeff Foxworthy. I just downloaded his greatest hits album to my iPod (Apple really has a winner there with iTunes and the iPod) and can't wait to listen to it. The clips I previewed had me rolling on the floor!

jimmer2880
02-02-2005, 06:02 AM
Speaking of funny, have you guys heard of Rodney Carrington? I just came across him from a card someone sent to me from www.funny-pictures.com (http://www.funny-pictures.com/) (watch out, pretty explicit, but very funny site). Kinda like Jeff Foxworthy. I just downloaded his greatest hits album to my iPod (Apple really has a winner there with iTunes and the iPod) and can't wait to listen to it. The clips I previewed had me rolling on the floor!

I saw a bit of him on Comedy Central 2 weeks ago.... You're right - very funny! I should probably go buy the CD (no iPod yet - can't bring it into my office building).

sizzler
02-02-2005, 06:49 AM
morning chaps...heres one..i hope it travels over your side of the pond

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> >her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> >
> >"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> >
> >Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
> >his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's
> okay, he
> >knows the bank manager.
> >
> >Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> >collateral.
> >
> >The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> >elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> >
> >Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> >bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> >
> >She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
> >out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
> wants
> >to use this as collateral."
> >
> >She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> >this?"
> >
> >(you're gonna love this)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >(wait for it)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> >
> >"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
> >a Rolling Stone."

ski_king
02-02-2005, 07:32 AM
Good one Sizzler!

Professor
02-02-2005, 07:40 AM
Sizzler, keep them coming.

sizzler
02-02-2005, 07:49 AM
its nice to know i'm of some use on this forum :D

Leroy
02-02-2005, 07:53 AM
Good joke, your avatar looks "different"!

sizzler
02-02-2005, 08:00 AM
first attempt......will find a better one

DanC
02-02-2005, 01:56 PM
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

Robert Averyt
02-02-2005, 03:13 PM
My favorite joke of all is...

A bear and a Rabbit are standing side by side in the woods.Taking a s--t. The Bear looks down at the Rabbit and asks "Do you have trouble with s--t sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit looks up to the Bear and replies "No not at all" The Bear picks him up and wipes his a-s.

jimmer2880
02-03-2005, 05:41 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless

H20skeefreek
02-04-2005, 07:50 AM
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your *****?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."

MarkP
02-04-2005, 09:19 AM
You pig,:uglyhamme!!!

Mag_Red
02-04-2005, 10:09 AM
You pig,:uglyhamme!!! :purplaugh But why is it always a guy named "Bob"??????

bcampbe7
02-04-2005, 12:35 PM
:purplaugh But why is it always a guy named "Bob"??????

It's easy to spell...