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sizzler
11-30-2004, 10:43 AM
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
>He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
>The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him
>for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the
>priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook
>for him and says, "Give it a shot, father." After a few minutes, the
>priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The
>fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofa*****!"
>
>The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
>
>The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but
>that's what this fish is called---a sonofa*****!"
>
>"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
>
>After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
>bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofa*****!"
>
>"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house
>of God."
>
>"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is
>called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofa*****!"
>
>"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofa***** and
>we could have it for dinner."
>
>So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother
>Superior at the convent.
>
>"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofa***** for our dinner
>tonight with the Pope?"
>
>"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
>
>"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a
>sonofa*****! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook
>it"
>
>"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofa*****
>tonight."
>
>While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish
>is superb. He asks where they got it.
>
>"I caught the sonofa*****!" says the priest.
>
>"And I cleaned the sonofa*****!" says the bishop.
>
>"And I cooked the sonofa*****!" says Mother Superior.
>
>The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes
>off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you
>fu**ers are all right.
:D

BriEOD
11-30-2004, 05:38 PM
Amen to that...

MarkP
12-01-2004, 10:29 AM
:uglyhamme good one..

sizzler
12-13-2004, 11:45 AM
Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a gooda man. Go upstairs and he'll tak'a care of you."
So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy
chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
big hairy chest!" "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all gooda men
have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll tak'a gooda care of you." So, up
she
went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his
hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama,
Tony
took off'a his pants and he gotta hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All gooda
men
have hairy legs. Tony's a gooda man. Go upstairs and he'll tak'a gooda
care
of you." So up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his shoes and socks and, on his
left foot, he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's gotta a
foot and a half!"
Mama says, "Stay here and stir the pasta!"

Mag_Red
12-13-2004, 01:55 PM
LOL That's funny! And I'm 1/2 Italian :dance:

bcampbe7
12-13-2004, 02:14 PM
LOL That's funny! And I'm 1/2 Italian :dance:

Bragger! :purplaugh

mark g
03-16-2005, 07:21 PM
Subject: A Maths story

A lady came home to an empty house, and saw a note from her husband,
addressed to her, lying on the coffee table :

To my dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, with your 54 year old body, can no longer supply.
I am very happy with you, I love you very much, and I value you as a good
wife.
Therefore after reading this note, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year
old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed. I shall endeavour to be back home before
midnight.

Love, Hubby.

When the man came home, just before the Witching hour, the house was
empty and the following note addressed to him was waiting on the dining room
table:

To my Dear Husband,
I received your note, and I thank you for your honesty.
I love you too, but I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 54 years old.

At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Fiesta Hotel with my tennis coach, Michael who, like your
secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small
difference....

18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18, so don't expect me to be
back much before teatime tomorrow............

Your loving Wifey.

jimmer2880
03-17-2005, 07:00 AM
Ouch - that just hurts!

Leroy
03-17-2005, 02:59 PM
"I've Lost Me Luggage"


An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Leroy
03-17-2005, 03:00 PM
"Water to Wine"


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Leroy
03-17-2005, 03:02 PM
"The Brothel"


Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."


Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

Leroy
03-17-2005, 03:03 PM
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Leroy
03-17-2005, 03:04 PM
Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father..."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

Leroy
03-17-2005, 03:07 PM
Enjoy St Patrick's day!

What a great man he was!

bradamerry
03-18-2005, 09:42 AM
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing!! :D